I Have Been Thinking About It …

The stress at school has been pretty rough. I am not thinking of dropping out of college or changing my career choice to something else, but I have been thinking about my relationship with Rick. Yes, I have been thinking about breaking it off with him and no I will not break it off with him so I am confused and lost. I personally think that A LOT of my stress is related to the relationship with Rick. Ever since we have met and he has put his charm on me and my parents, I have seen changes in Rick that make our relationship confusing. Because of the changes I have seen in him, I too have changed regarding to our relationship. He has never laid a hand on me in regards to hitting, but I do not want him touching me like he once did for some reason. It is as if I am afraid of him and what is the use of continuing with our relationship in so many words. Friends have seen him in a different light and so have I, and that scares me. I have told Rick how I have felt and that I do want our relationship to work because I do love him, but his attitude has changed. Even Emilee, my thirteen year old cat seems different around him. She is more on guard with him! Emilee does not like some people and men is pretty much it.

I think, from the way Rick acts and puts himself to other people, he is jealous of my friendships with my friends I have known for a long time. He is putting himself in a place where none of my friends want him around but they are willing to give him a chance since he is my boyfriend and I do love him. He wants to spend time with me and be included with what I do with my friends, but he comes across as overbearing, possessive, domineering, and too much of a joker by not taking anything serious when serious is in the game, so he is not welcome openly like he was when we first met.

When I first met Rick, he told me that he was from a family of spoilers, and we have met in the last four days of June. I have not, even to this day, gotten used to him lavishing his love and affection on me. In fact, it scares me sometimes because I am very independent and I do not WANT to be dependent on anyone or him. His temper is not exactly raging but it seems to be noticed more. I want to kick him out to the curb for good because I do not want such temper in my home or around me. I have been hurt and relationships have been destroyed because of my immature behavior years ago. I feel I am making another unwise choice once again in my relationship with Rick which makes me want to have no relationships with men beyond friendship any longer. If he reads this, I do not care. He will be kicked out to the curb in a second if his demeanor is mean and he becomes violent in language or physical.

I do know that we can not change anyone except ourselves. I have been having a lot of flags go up in my mind that are not quite red but yellow meaning caution and beware.

About ksmiley

I feel I am back to journaling once again.
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