I did not know what else to title my diary entry because I have been not here to write much of anything really. Anyway, I had something happen to me a couple of days ago that has set me into baffled and frenzy/anxious mode. I have learned that I can not trust all of my neighbors no matter where I live or go. where I live there is a total of forty-nine tenant apartments and 1 manager apartment which equals to fifty apartments total. Yes, I can add and do math, LOL. Yesterday, most of the day I had anxiety regarding what happened to me Tuesday night until I took a scissors to a picture of me with Santa Claus that was taken in 2001 and given to one of the tenants who I thought was a friend but I learned differently. How the picture was returned to me, practically three years later, was so nasty and cruel, and the time it happened was around 9 p.m. Tuesday night. This so-called friend may have returned it herself or had someone do it for her. It was slid under my apartment door in an envelope with no note or explanation to the returned picture. I just knew who it came from and when the picture was given because it said Merry Christmas and the year 2001.

This person I thought was my friend is not a friend if she had returned a picture I had given her. I had gotten upset yes because of how the picture was returned without a note and who returned it to me. I think that people in the building I live in are nasty, cruel, mean, and so very stupid! When I had realized what was in the envelope, I remembered who had gotten pictures of me with Santa Claus, and my very first reaction was my friend LLM. I first thought she returned the picture, but learned after talking to her, she did not do it. If I remember right, after two days later, I think she understood my pain, hurt, and anxiety. She kindly talked to me more than once on the phone when I had felt fear in my heart. That was immediately resolved. I was so terribly hurt, the tears would not come out easily I was so upset and realized that it was anger I was playing with. The heat inside my body was so hot that the heat all over my body could be felt, especially in my face and upper body. Sleep did not come easily Tuesday night no matter how hard I tried to get my mind off of what happened before retiring to bed for the night.

For the past year I have been living in a place with no peace or space it seems. Everyone here knows the business of everyone here and that stinks. No one here in this building have lives because they are so unhappy themselves. I do exclude friends who do live here. Sometimes I wonder if I live in a nursing home instead of a retirement/handicapped home for people with low income! I have the feeling and the want to move again but where will I go? was questioned over and over in my mind. I do have four friends here I can trust and talk to and that is plenty for the time being here. I do have my friends, my group, my family, and the rent is a third of my income that helps a lot on someone on disability.

Anyway, this person who RETURNED the picture and slid it under my door, I do not know what is on her agenda or plans now but she can not be trusted anymore. I will not speak to her beyond passing. I am sorry that this person is in her 70s, but her life is no longer important to me anymore. All I can do is pray for her. She has hurt another friend of mine about a year ago, and now she has literally hurt me and for the last time. I do not understand her anymore and I wish not to anymore from this day forward. All I can do for her is pray for her now.

As I look back at what happened on Tuesday, I can admit that it took almost two nights for me to write my feelings and thoughts. That is why my entries the past two days have been so short and not very much going on. I was deeply hurt and my heart is still broken and in a zillion pieces but I am not afraid to leave my apartment or apartment building to get from place to place on foot. I do not care for most of the tenants in this building except for a few and those tenants are my friends. If this person, who I thought was my friend, had returned a picture because my religious beliefs and keeping the Sabbath on Saturday had anything to do with it, I will not be totally surprised but definitely disappointed. What this so-called friend did was stupid and so dumb that it was so very childish and VERY hurtful.

I am, whether people realize it or not, a person with a heart that is not gold of course, but definitely a very soft one. I believe God made me with a soft heart for a reason and I am not going to take that away from him ever. God made me for a reason and I am here for a reason and if someone does not like me because of something, it is, even though my heart is broken and in a zillion pieces in imaginary mind, it is there problem. I know all this in reality but my heart still achesf for some people to understand many of us who live in this world for a reason – God put us here – trials and tribulations no matter where we are. I do not want to be disrespectful to anyone but sometimes my initial reaction is to be disrespectful and scream and holler but it is in my mind and nutwardly shared to everyone but my closest friends.

I have cerebral palsy and a lot of people say they are sorry to here that. Why should they have to say they are sorry when it is not their fault that I have it. I was the one born with it, not them. I do have my friends, my favorite diaries to read, my life intact, and me. The world does not just involve around me, I know that for a fact and in reality. I have gone through worse. My life is not over yet!

About ksmiley

I feel I am back to journaling once again.
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2 Responses to ????

  1. I think you might pray and look around for another place. God can open up all kinds of things for you in this area. I will pray that you are able to move to a new and more private place. God bless your summer.

  2. You are a very soft hearted person and I hope that the cruelty of others never effects your kind hearted and sweet nature. People can be so cruel. I have never understood that. Life can be difficult enough without someone else causing grief. The ones that cause us the most grief are usally very unhappy people themselves and they hate to see anyone else happy and content.

    You are a remarkable woman living a full life and I commend you for your strength, good nature, and big heart.

    Much love, Maggie

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