Entry #1 — Feeling the After Affects!!!!!

I enjoyed the visit with NMS last night and the news about CSE has been a start of something good — I hope anyway — but right now at 2am after running to the bathroom I can not get back to sleep real fast here so I am watching Cops on the CW and have watched an episode of Swift Justice with Jackie Glass. Nope, I can not sleep. This crap that is going on with CSE has really upset the big apple cart with both NMS and me. I am so frustrated with CSE that my feelings with my own self don’t feel entirely my own now — all against CSE now. Anytime anything is mentioned about CSE now poses a problem around here. No doubt CSE needs medical help and stop being such an idiot about things. NMS has asked me not to mention anything to CSE about what she is trying to do for CSE so I will not say anything to her. I am pissed off at CSE anyway — more now that she screamed at NMS. CSE is definitely not welcome in my home now. She is trouble brewing and since the night of the cooking class I went to with NMS was the last happier time. I hav not called CSE ever since that evening and glad of it — good riddance of a bad situation I could have been in with her in the past now since NMS and I talked last night. I feel, even though it’s important and that is what God wants me to do, praying for CSE is a lost cause and something I find a waste of my time because CSE does not show any effort of anything that will improve her health that I have seen. When I had learned that CSE acted strange in front of NMS, after being told this, i wanted to scream and cry and I believe I am doing that in a silent way … I am more hurt, lost, and confused, and wishing now that CSE never moved back into this building. Hearing her yelling at her cat that Sunday evening whenNms and I saw her, I was frightened that she will come down to my place and act out against my cat. No abuse is not allowed in my home whatsoever … never!! CSE is abusive verbally. No way in hell is that woman ever allowed in my home ever again now after last night. She does not exist or will she be acknowledged unless NMS gives me updates. She is dead to me.

As for my BFF who now lives in Milton, Wisconsin, JSL is dealing with a situation with a friend of hers that is acting strange and being mean and nasty after a long time friendship for years, I feel for JSL. CSE does not have any sympathy at all and I feel she owes an apology that is long overdue to me as well that I have not received yet. I know now I will not receive it any time soon — never actually. I am sick of CSE and want to wash my hands of her for good. I want her out of this building too. She does not belong here at all. She belongs in a group home where she is monitored. NMS believes she is denial and not taking medication or is not on any meds for her problem that is now on showing and getting worse. Denial is what I see and wish CSE would stop acting that her past life does not exist. I no longer feel sorry for the bitch. JSL asked me last night before we said our good nights if CSE did get the help she needs would I strike a friendship with CSE again — not exact words from JSL – and I said no because too much has happened that CSE has scared me badly enough. For JSL, her situation different from my own, does seem to have similar endings but JSL is still kind of deciding on what to do. I feel for JSL big tome. Her friend seems to be influenced by the wrong crowd and treating JSL like crap big time and JSL is deeply hurt and confused big time along the way. She has asked me to pray for her situation as she also prays for my situation. We are watching out for one another these days. Still I will not be friends with CSE anymore whatsoever and she is dead to me. I hate the person she has become — scary and mean – damaged big time. She is indeed ill and NMS sees what I have been seeing for a very long time now — months.

More later…..

Author: ksmiley

As a diarist and blogger, please bear with me as I continue to upgrade my blog as time moves forward. Thank you.

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