Still Very Uncomfortable

CSE came down and knocked at my door this evening. The feeling she gave me was creepy.  Why does she bother to come down to my apartment, even though I have asked her to make herself known at least two times a week, if she does not even follow through with the agreement we have made?  When she asked if I needed anything, I told her no.  She asked if Bing needed anything, and I told her that he was already taken care of this morning.  She said she had something for me and it was the $5 for use of the internet. For some reason her presence was creepy.  I did not let her into my apartment.  I did not want her in my apartment – in my space.  I am still upset with her and angry.  I feel she has taken advantage of me when she stayed here after I found out why she had stayed at my apartment for almost a month.  Having a roommate was not horrible but I found out that I really enjoy my space. I am not roommate material.

Ever since I have had my own space back, I have learned more about CSE, I have wanted to scream at her for being unwise in her actions.  She has dug a hole so big that only family can help her but her family does not want nothing to do with her because she changed her name just to get rid of the past.  We can not get rid of the past by changing your name.  The past is still there.  CSE was never married in her new life but the CKR, as many people knew her as, was.  She denies the fact that she was ever married and she wears the wedding band to prove it because that was a good memory from her past.  She does not forget the good things of her CKR past but will not talk or discuss the not so good memories.

Now since i have felt I have been taken advantage of, I will not have sleepovers anymore.  It is hard for me to have friends over who are not Christians.  CSE is having a difficult loving God right now and I have done everything to help her understand that God loves her but she acts that I am a stranger to God.  I find CSE a stranger to God by the loss of faith in God. I can not help her anymore without getting stressed out and losing ground of taking care of myself.

I feel very uncomfortable with CSE in my world as a friend when she will not help herself.  I will be civil to her in public but when it comes to non-public areas in my life CSE will not be a part of my life in my private – space anymore.

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As a diarist and blogger, please bear with me as I continue to upgrade my blog as time moves forward. Thank you.

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