October 28, 2013

I am going to start something new in my diary starting right now.  Yes, things have changed slightly and I am going to make sure that things get written down like they should from this forward – no matter what time it is and what my plans are for the next day.  I hate staying up late The only two people at night with my mind wandering to one thing to the next thing when emotions are at their peak and I feel so hurt and confused.  Yes, I am going to be changing things around a bit as far as my journaling and writing in my diary or diaries are concerned.  I am getting sick and tired of not writing in my diaries like I used to on a daily or regular basis.  I need to get things out more often than holding them in.  Yes, Satan can then use my writings and my journal and diaries against me but I will have to withstand the so-called beatings of his happiness upon me where I have to go to God more from this day forward.  I noticed it last night when I was doing my Bible study devotions and readings before 11 pm and bed should have been two hours before.

Yes, things are going to change around here as far as my journal and diaries go from this day forward.  Last Wednesday through the weekend I was fighting the dread of family past and present happenings. The feeling of being an outsider has come into my life once again.  The feeling of being an outsider in my own immediate family has plagued me for years and it is still here.  I have to admit, sadly enough, that my mom and her husband do not bring up the past onto the present like my dad and his wife do.  I want to live in the here and now but it is definitely hard to do so when it comes to my dad and his wife.

I am not here to lay out my dirty laundry for others to see or read about.  What problems I I have with my family are being taken care of the best I can with the means I have in my world today.  I go to counseling every two weeks or so and I am a very busy gal every day of the week so writing has become has not been a necessity like it once was on a daily basis.  I’d rather be busy daily without having to think too much about the world outside my own unless I am in the world the same as others.  I rarely go into the community room to enjoy the fun that goes on there now-a-days because drama plays its ugly head and drama is one of those items I want nothing to do with.  Recovering from an anxiety and panic disorder, and depression on top of that is enough for me to handle with medications and without medications, I would be a mess and very emotional.  I have learned that I have a chemical imbalance in me that cause my serotonin levels to either get low or high.  There is  some drama in the family because certain family members not to talk to other family members is the problem of the family who is not talking to other family members.  They have to work things out for themselves.  Maybe it’s a good thing and maybe it’s not a good thing.  It depends on the opinion of others who see and hear what is going on.  As for me, I do not hear anything so my opinion is this – it is their problem and not mine.  Maybe Dr. Phil needs to do another family intervention.  LOL… I would not want to air any of the problems within my family on national television.  I believe Dr. Phil would have a fine field trip with my family issues.  I would run away with him on this one. LOL…

As for the other thoughts that come wrangling in is how I have made friends in the past and now I have walked away from several just to keep my emotional wellbeing in the positive realm of life.  There are moments, yet, that negativity comes into play but the negative does not last as long as they once used to.  I have changed through the past couple of years and more so in the past year now.  I cannot believe how much time has gone by in the past two years as well.  That is what “keeping yourself busy” does to you when you have something happening every day.  Yet there are days, especially during my menstrual cycle – which I hate but glad I get on a regular basis – my hormones are going up and down.  I want to cry, scream, hide, and be left alone, and find myself in a world of past and present events that make my emotions go haywire.  It is no fun but I manage despite the two weeks of hormonal issues every woman goes through.  At least I can think logically and instead of illogically because life in a permanent negative world only brings on headaches, friendship troubles, and dramatic situations you wish you were never a part of in the first place even though you love the people in your life dearly.  Even loving someone enough does take its toll on you so in order to continue loving someone is to walk away from them for good or for a while until things cool.  Now, I have walked away from people and let them back into my life but have learned that it is not always the best.  Now call that a lesson or two learned.  It may overwhelm you at first but that feeling does subside and life does move on.



Author: ksmiley

As a diarist and blogger, please bear with me as I continue to upgrade my blog as time moves forward. Thank you.

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