Okay, it has been since February 11th I have written in my diary. I cannot express my thoughts very well sometimes. Since Saturday afternoon seeing NMS at the hospital after church with my friend JM. NMS was having a bad day- sort of – but being able to say hello and good bye to her was easy when I got there and left. She seemed a little negative about some things and said certain things that did not happen but JM and I pretended with her despite the stories NMS was telling us. We did not want to give her false hope because we knew that NMS was not going to live much longer. Her attitude was like Dr. Jeckall (ap?) and Mr. Hyde. I have seen NMS come and go with her mood swings when she is on medication and being taken off them or she would take herself off medication because it did not make her feel well. Her attitude would go from real sweet to not so nice shortly thereafter. NMS can be scary at times. I felt that our relationship has had its ups and downs throughout the past nineteen years or so but I still loved NMS very much even though I have chosen to distance myself from her from time to time when she got moody from medication the doctor gave her and she would stop taking medication on her own without a doctor okaying the stop or weaning of the medication properly so she would not act like a drug addict when who has stopped taking drugs and the mood swings would come and go. This is what I experienced with NMS a lot in the past five years or so.
There is another reason why I have waited to write in my journal until today since the 11th. Ever since I saw NMS is the hospital Saturday afternoon I had learned of NMS’ decline the following day – Sunday – and I have been keeping my phone nearby me to text my friend JM who has been visiting NMS in the hospital for the past three weeks, and seeing her this past Sabbath afternoon was the last time I saw her alive – mood and all. From Sunday to yesterday afternoon I have kept my phone with me or near me so once I heard the phone ring or a text coming in I would look and see if JM said anything. By 2:30 PM yesterday afternoon I had learned the NMS has passed away a little while earlier, and knowing she was in a lot of pain due to cancer eating her alive inside that her death was welcomed even though she has left a big mark on all of people in her life – in their hearts for the rest of theirs. I know for a fact that NMS has left something in my heart and that is understanding how God works and how important Jesus is to everyone Christian and non-Christian alike, and how the Holy Spirits works in someone’s life and now I am understanding how God has worked in her life from the moments she was brought into this world of sin. Now she can rest in peace and wait patiently for Jesus’ second coming to his people to him when the angels who are holding the four corners of the world up are to let go. We are living in the last days of earth and we are only visitors passing through.
My faith and beliefs, and religion is the Bible. Yes, I am Seventh-day Adventist, and I have my beliefs knowing that Saturday is the 7th day of the week and that is the day of worship. I do understand the faith and beliefs of others who attend church on Sunday as well but my heart belongs where it does because I have studied the Bible with many others – Seventh-day Adventists and Sunday keeping churches – and found the ten commandments the core of the true Sabbath throughout the Bible – from Genesis to Revelation – doing what is right despite my struggles in life. Now I do not knock others going to church on Sundays because if that is where their heart has led you and others I have no room to argue about one’s beliefs and faith in God or Jesus altogether. I know where I belong today in my religious beliefs and I also know where I belong in my personal life outside of God’s plans for me because the outside world is a learning curve for me every day as I learn something new every day of my life. NMS, who has passed away at the age of 83 yesterday has learned a lot while she was growing up from childhood to adulthood and still learned from many around her young and old alike. That is the way I feel about my own life as well at the age of 46 with the age of 47 not that far away from today.
Now I need and should take time for myself to do more than just writing in my diary. Today, being Wednesday, I have Bible study tonight at 7 PM. I have had my shower and been dressed now for over an hour with a little walk in the hallway close to home seeing a couple of tenants while on my excursion – if you can call it that, lol – and came back home to work on my diary for a while. Sometimes it takes me a while to write and other times it takes a lot to get just a few words out. Maybe from the 11th – 14th not writing in my diary was a good idea. I am not afraid to write but sometimes I do not write long entries because there is no need to. I will be back as soon as I can or able to. I hope everyone has a good day and God bless.