What Do I Need to Do?

When I say my planet is spinning, it is usually my mind going around and around specific subjects I have been thinking of lately. Sometimes it scares me while it prods me to continue to move further. There is one matter that comes to mind often is having a second kidney transplant. I do not know why I am afraid. I do not understand why I am not ready other than I am twenty pounds overweight. Or the fact, I don’t want another kidney transplant right now. Yes, I have had my transplanted kidney for thirty-one years before the need for dialysis for the second time in my life. My mom told me last year that I will know when I am ready for another transplant, and I will be prepared. Not right now. On April 24, I have been going to dialysis for two years. My mom was going to be forty-five when she donated her kidney, and now she is seventy-seven. The kidney has run a good run for thirty-one years, and I have a nephrologist who hasn’t had a patient where a transplanted kidney lasted thirty-plus years. I am this doctor’s first patient. I feel blessed and honored, honored without the swelled head.

So what do I want to do? I do not want to do anything about it now. I am not ready yet. What do you think I should do?

4 comments

  1. the hardest part of any decision is to actually decide to make a decision…I often find that the real reason of my own procrastinations is reluctance to take that first step out from my zone of comfort. Often and in particular with the life changing decisions what we are scared of is the fact that we might make the wrong decision. However, in your case you sound like you know what’s on the other side of decision you’ll make. You also have some ideas of consequences if you wouldn’t make that step over. I suggest, ask yourself not “should I or shouldn’t”, ask yourself: “am I content to carry on as it is”…and for how long do you feel happy enough not to change anything (dialysis and all). Once you know the answer to that question, ask next – how my life may change after transplant, what new plans can I make…when you change the focus of “not ready to step outside my current state of comfort” to the “ready to make positive changes to my life”, you may be able to see when there will be the best time for that.

  2. Wow. That IS a long time!
    The one thing that comes to mind in answer to your question is that your mental and emotional attitude going in to an operation should be positive and firm. If you don’t feel those things yet…. well… However, if you can GET there… 🙂

    1. Thank you so much. My mom told me that when I’m ready, I will know. She’s right about that. I think that time will be the clincher for me.

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