What Do I Need to Do?

When I say my planet is spinning, it is usually my mind going around and around specific subjects I have been thinking of lately. Sometimes it scares me while it prods me to continue to move further. There is one matter that comes to mind often is having a second kidney transplant. I do not know why I am afraid. I do not understand why I am not ready other than I am twenty pounds overweight. Or the fact, I don’t want another kidney transplant right now. Yes, I have had my transplanted kidney for thirty-one years before the need for dialysis for the second time in my life. My mom told me last year that I will know when I am ready for another transplant, and I will be prepared. Not right now. On April 24, I have been going to dialysis for two years. My mom was going to be forty-five when she donated her kidney, and now she is seventy-seven. The kidney has run a good run for thirty-one years, and I have a nephrologist who hasn’t had a patient where a transplanted kidney lasted thirty-plus years. I am this doctor’s first patient. I feel blessed and honored, honored without the swelled head.

So what do I want to do? I do not want to do anything about it now. I am not ready yet. What do you think I should do?

A Christmas Visit & A Friendship Gone

Another day has come and gone. I had my AR parents here for a while for a visit (our Christmas). We did have breakfast from Kwik Trip, nothing fancy, but good enough to sit at the kitchen table. We visited while SBK hooked up my ROKU Ultra and got it started. My parents left after the noon hour. After they left, I put in my information to pull them up the apps with ease into my new ROKU.

I lost a friendship with someone because I talked to someone at the dialysis center, and I shouldn’t have said anything. Because I did speak to this person and was told AFTER I was told that MM could not be trusted, I lost a friendship after a year and a half. I could not defend myself or say anything before she said she had to go and hung up. This happened yesterday afternoon, and DKF told me that I will always have her. If LVR acts like that, I don’t need to be friends with LVR, says DKF. The tears wanted to fall, and I have to get past this soon enough. Yes, a friendship is lost, but it’s not my loss.

I have to go now.  Since the friendship break is fresh, I need to stop talking about it for now.  I feel horrible.  It’s on the front burner simmering.  Tears are coming and going, and they will stop soon.  It wasn’t my fault.  I  will get past this.

Life in the Karnopp Household

Please forgive me for not writing as much as I have in the past. I feel it has been crazy lately. Sometimes I have emotions screaming at me, wanting to come out, or emotions that have spilled out unexpectedly and were needed. I am more emotional between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. I will be glad when the holiday is over, but in the meantime, I will enjoy what goes on. This year is not my first year of spending the holidays alone. I will be seeing family for a little while on December 18, 2020. Still, my family’s visit will be short because of the coronavirus pandemic, with no meal preparation at the kitchen table this year. Right now, staying safe is in the cards. Magic kitty and I are hanging in there. I am not sure about my sanity right now, but I am not going even to think it is on the verge of insanity yet. I won’t go there; I’m sure of it.

So much has happened since September 28, 2020. Bing Crosby crossed the rainbow bridge; I saw a black five-month-old kitten at our local shelter I just had to meet on October 4 with the help of a good friend, and on October 6, 2020, I brought this black kitten home. My mother saw this black kitten in a picture and thought of the name Magic. That is my black kitten’s name today, and he is living up to his name, doing a magic trick every day of the week while being entertained or entertaining me. It has been three months since he has been here, and he will be seven months old on December 30, 2020. I do miss Bing very much, and my place wasn’t empty without fur too long either. My life, for seven days without Bing, was silent, quiet, and making me feel sad. Magic has brought happiness into my life; among other things a cat does. Because he is still young and learning, I have to say that he is a pretty good kitten. I do love him, and I am glad I have him. Need I say more? I know I have repeated myself, but I am sharing a part of my life that matters to me. I have not been here for a while, but the time is coming where I will be here more. I have to sit back, relax, and breathe better.

As I continue to get my thoughts in order, I am writing them down the best I can. It is not always any straightforward process. Sometimes I feel defeated. I have to be precise in a lot of things I write about for some reason. Sometimes the words take time to form, and when they do, it is a beautiful feeling. Otherwise, I feel defeated and disappointed.

Yesterday, my caregiver and friend DKF took the time to clean my apartment while I was at dialysis. I came home to a clean apartment. She took the time to get some serious cleaning time done because she had some time to make up for the week she was not here. She did a fantastic job, and I do not want to ruin it for her or myself. It feels like a home now. I believe I am on the road to happiness once again. I am going to keep my place clean for myself and DKF. She worked very hard for me. When a raise in pay comes forth, she is indeed getting a raise. I am utilizing the IRIS program, where a caregiver or a service rendered comes into your home and works for/with you. I have DKF five to six days a week. Sundays are my day of confined quarters with Magic, my iPad, Computer, books to read, and what else happens in my day at home. I do not want this place to become a place of disarray again.

Look at me here. I am ranting and raving like a lunatic. My mouth is not flapping, but it might as well be flapping, lol. It is time for me to continue with my day. I hope to write more later, but in the meantime, sit back and relax because it is Sunday.

I Am Doing MY Best

Another day has come, and now it’s time to write in my journal about my day. I had awakened at 5 AM to the sound of my neighbor above me. He seems to be my alarm clock before 6 AM. I wanted to sleep until 6:45 AM, but the neighbor’s seeing-eye dog wants to play fetch. The dog is a large black lab. His running back and forth sounds like he’s about to come into my apartment – fall from the second floor into my apartment. Being able to sleep in hasn’t happened in a long time. I wanted to sleep in until 6:45 PM, but the noise above me kept me up. I was a little frustrated. I called management to explain my case about the dog wanting to play between 5 AM – 8 AM, and she understood my reasons why it bothers me during those hours. I am trying to sleep in a little bit before beginning my day by 7 AM. The manager said that she would be speaking to the tenant again – for the third time I’ve mentioned it to her.

I understand that his seeing-eye dog is still a puppy in age and more massive than his first seeing-eye was. Angus and Addie are the same breed — black lab. Addie retired last year I’ve seen his paws. They are big! Dialysis makes me tired and weak for a few hours, and I need to rest in bed to feel strong. Dialysis can take a lot out of a person, yet it saves lives from kidney failure. I have been doing dialysis for a year and three months now. Do I have a logical excuse to be annoyed in the early morning? Noises carry in the building.

Another thing was about a tenant I have not seen for several weeks. The manager told me that he passed away in April. I don’t remember that the tenant on the third floor had passed away. I am behind the times when it comes to tenants coming and going from here. I am behind the times. Being cooped up in an apartment to be safe from getting sick with the Coronavirus will help a person. DKF said she told me, but I do not remember mentioning that HC passed away in April. A lot was going on from March to the present day. That can be a little frustrating – not remembering!!

As the Coronavirus finds its way to affect as many people it can, I am still doing what it is right and safe. I am still in quarantine. I go to dialysis and back home again, I stay in my apartment on my non-dialysis days, and I wear a mask when I exit my apartment. Today I picked up my groceries at Festival Foods. Now, not tonight, though, I have to get caught up on my Bible devotions during the week. I am retiring to bed for the night here shortly. I am getting tired and ready for an eight-hour-long nap. Yep, tired.

I admit that some things in my world still confuse me, and I do not understand or care to understand. My mind is on a whole different prize, and I have wanted to write about it for a blog piece. It is about spirituality – my faith in God, and it is necessary to write it. I am one imperfect person, and I want to prove it with the right words. My blogs have to be perfect – as perfect as I can get them. I have to sit at my computer/laptop for a while when I have the strength and need to write like I am doing today.

Time for me to shut and lock up the shop for the night and give my brain a rest. Good night and God bless from Wisconsin, which happens to be one of the states forbidden to go anywhere unless we quarantine for fourteen days in the states that are recorded high with the Coronavirus. Tomorrow begins a new week of dialysis treatment three times a week.

Another Day and A New Month

It has been a while since I last wrote in my diary. A new month has begun. June has bowed out and left the stage so July could come out and do her performance.

Now, except for a couple of appointments happening on Monday, and my birthday on July 3rd, I admit that I do not have any major plans this weekend except dialysis on Saturday and tomorrow. I have to write an update on how dialysis is going in “Life On Dialysis.” That will be done soon. Please let me get myself organized and ready for the month. It has been a while since I last wrote.

I do not have a lot to say today. It is my stay-at-home sort of day. The only time I leave my apartment is to go to the dialysis clinic and pick up my groceries at the grocery store. I have a new favorite store now. It is Festival Foods. The quality of their food seems better than Wal-Mart as well as their service. The workers seem friendlier than Wal-Mart. Right now, because of COVID-19, getting Lysol is difficult everywhere I get groceries. It is frustrating because people have taken their bodies to the store and hogging all the Lysol so other people can’t get any of it – stocking up because of fear.

I haven’t been able to get Lysol for four months now. I was able to get a can of Lysol in March because DKF found a couple of cans leaving one for her and one for me at Dollar General. DG doesn’t have any right now. It is very frustrating. Thanks to striking fear from the beginning news media on TV once one person came back from out of the country to the United States. UUGGHH…oh well. This pandemic will be over when God says it’s over. He is in control. The government officials and their constant bickering about how President Trump is doing have to stop as well. I believe they act like babies right now, not wanting to work with the President because they do not like him. It is because he’s not a politician like most of the presidents before him, or they do not like him period. Please do not get me started if I like him or not. I have mixed feelings when it comes to President Trump. This year’s voting is going to be a tough one for me.
It was a lovely day today. It has been hot and muggy here during the week. That is what we get in the summer in Wisconsin, I guess.
I’m not too fond of real cold and real hot temperatures, but there is nothing I can do when it comes to having the best health care in Janesville and Madison, Wisconsin.

I guess I have had a lot more to say than I thought, huh? I can go on and on at this rate, but I won’t. It is getting late, and I am tired. I had my worship with my sweetheart KB and his Mom TB. I have taken a medication called Z-Sleep, and it is now affecting my ability to stay awake any longer. Good night and have a blessed day or night wherever you are in the United States or country.

Pouring Out My Heart

Life in the Karnopp household is a little chaotic today. I learned that Bing Crosby the Cat hasn’t been eating the food I bought him this month, so DKF went to Dollar General to get the cat food he does like — Purina Cat Chow Indoor Formula. He did eat some, but he is still lying on the kitchen table as if he is having the blahs — depressed. It worries me a little bit, and I have dialysis treatment in the morning for three hours and fifteen minutes. I hope he will be okay in the long run after today in the next couple of days. I have absorbed what has been going on politically and finding the Coronavirus pandemic overwhelming the past couple of days. Dr. A was making his rounds, and when he got to me, I told him what was going on. I had understanding ears, and he said to me that what happened in the recent weeks with the pandemic was something I can not control and that I should not be worrying about it. Also, the upcoming election for the presidency has been such torment on my heart. The President has people who hate him from the beginning of office, and they want him out of office, and not make presidency in November 2020. I have been getting flyers in the mail that says that President Trump is poisoning our water to harm us, persuading me to vote for Biden. I feel that my vote in elections is not counted or thrown away. What one party wants me to do is making me feel that voting is a waste of time. That kind of snail mail I do not need in my mailbox. I want people to leave President Trump alone. It has been a rough four years politically at my end of the airwaves. I had finally had a breakdown on Sunday — the need to cry at 3 PM until Tuesday morning. When I need to cry, it distorts my way of thinking until I talk about it. Sunday afternoon, I did not know or understand why I felt the tears forming in my ears and the need to cry. By Tuesday morning, I told Dr. A what was going on, and he said to me that I need not worry about things I cannot control and concentrate on what I can. We then discussed my monthly lab report, and I have been doing very well with dialysis, and my labs show improvements in phosphorus and other lab tests he looks at are either the same, better or still high but lower from last month. Even though I do not talk about dialysis in my public diary, I do have to admit that on Tuesday, I was not impressed with my weigh-in being at 94.8 kilograms. The clinic does not go by pounds. I use a converter for that when I need/want to. Dr. A told me that my weigh-in was okay because my weigh-out on Saturday was 92.1 kilograms and that I did great with my fluid intake over the weekend. That was a relief to know. Also, the first hour my catheter was being problematic, so Dr. A put an order to use cathflo before and after treatment. Okay, since Tuesday, the need to cry has stopped until I realized that Bing hasn’t been eating. I feel I have been a mean “mommy”, but I believe DKF and I have found the problem and resolved it. I have been watching and catering to Bing’s needs all day long, and he has eaten some of his food we got him this morning at Dollar General. I have had some life lessons this week.

Now, with my heart poured out this evening, I do have to admit that I am feeling a little better. That’s what a diary is for, right? Why not share my thoughts with others to show that I am a human being with feelings like everyone else? Here I am, pouring out my heart. Please, If you believe in the power of prayer, God, or a higher power, pray for/with Bing and me.  It has been a rough beginning of the week in the Karnopp household. I know I will be okay.  I tend to worry, and that is not good on the heart or mind.  Thank you.  Now that I have poured out my heart to others, I can say that I am a human being with feelings, I do not always understand immediately.  I do not get frustrated with God when it comes to an emotional breakdown because it is not his fault nor mine. I cannot blame Adam and Eve for eating the fruit from the tree God told them they should not eat. God’s plans are what they are for a reason, and I am here to share what I do understand when I can. Thank you for listening/reading my diary. I appreciate Dear Diary for being here.

A Little Frustrated This Morning

Hello and good morning from Wisconsin. I had awakened at 5:30 AM from my neighbor who decided to play with his companion. Yes, Angus is a big black lab. Yep, my neighbor woke me up — again.

The tears I want to shed still want to come, but the feeling seems less than yesterday. I am tired because of my neighbor’s noise with his companion and yes, I am a little frustrated. Getting away from here for three hours will be good. Yes, it is dialysis day — first one of the week. Dialysis weekend is over.

A Day Turned Into An Afternoon the Need to Cry Today

In most cases and times, I am usually in bed by this time and sleeping as I have dialysis at the beginning of the week/tomorrow. Today, I was doing my best on my regular Monday at home to get some devotion time with God while DKF was here this morning, and watching one of our shows Midsummer Murders. After she left, I watched my HMM shows, and after she returned at 5 PM for a half an hour, I returned to my bedroom for the rest of the night to get ready for worship with K.B. and his Mom T.B. when they were done with doing laundry. In the meantime, while I waited, I played a game on my iPad and finished watching Magnum P.I., starring Tom Selleck. I wanted to write in my diary earlier in the day, but the words would not come. From 3 PM to the present time, I have the feeling the need to cry. Are my hormones beginning to go haywire, or I need to cry? I am not going to search for the reason why I want to cry. It happens to be one of those days the tears want to form in my eyes. I am not weak. I am feeling the need to cry today.

I have not been able to write in my blog(s) lately. It has nothing to do with what I want to write about or share. The Holy Spirit has not prompted me to share anything new yet. In the meantime, I will live my days as I have been doing. A new work week has started today, and my dialysis weekend is over now that I am in bed for the night. Please forgive me for not writing much about the need to cry. I do not know why. I will be okay. The kind of afternoon and evening will pass as a day that was not the best day I lived. Despite the feeling of the need to cry, I lived this day the best I could. I am not upset that my day was not 100% happy. I still had my bath, got dressed for the day, had breakfast and lunch, and supper. DKF came back to be with me for a half an hour before going home for the night, leaving me to head to my bedroom for the rest of the night.

I am going to say good night, and God bless. It is time for me to close up shop and go to bed. I took a Tramadol earlier, and my body is relaxing from the pain I am dealing with this weekend. DKF found my Tramadol in the bag my meds came in last week, and the bag was in the trash can in the bathroom. I knew I had them somewhere, and DKF accidentally threw the med away, thinking it was empty of all medicines delivered Friday morning between 11 AM and 12 PM. The meds, Tramadol, was still safe in the medicine bag, away from other trashed items — thank goodness. If the pain I deal with is 6 – 10, that is when I take medicine for pain or Tylenol. Spring cleaning has done wonders on my muscles while I have been doing a range of motion therapy at home with DKF around. Pain and I do not always get along, although I will bear with it if it a 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Understand? Good night and God bless.

Life Goes On

Today was a very nice, hot day.  Even though I was indoors most of the day, after dialysis, I was able to sit outside while I waited for DKF to pick me up to take me home for the day.  I dislike the heat and the cold, but I do my best to manage the climate.  Today was the first day I had my AC on for the day after management helped me get the cover off and remove it from my apartment for the summer season and fall season.

Life in the Karnopp household continues one way or another — ready or not.  Today, I was prepared after yesterday’s emotional day because I allowed a piece of mail (snail) to get to me.  Yes, I was upset because people are bashing/lying about President Trump, and doing EVERYTHING they can with more lies get him impeached so he cannot be President anymore.  The past four years have been nothing but a witch hunt.  I dislike mean people, and I do not care if you are a Republican or Democrat.  Some people are just downright mean, and I can name a few, but I won’t keep the peace.  What is happening in the world today is not right, and the earthly government and judicial system cannot always be trusted. My opinion ONLY!  It was a perfect, HOT day.  I am glad I can open with my views (what I feel) at this time.

One of Those Days

It is a late night for me. 

I have had one of those days where I felt emotional due to getting something political in my mail.  Yes, it upset me.  I am getting sick and tired of President Trump being bullied by government officials.  I get it. 

Certain people want him out of office, and the same people have been working on getting him out of the office from day one.  What did I get in the what we call snail mail these days?  I got an advertisement that was saying that President Trump was poisoning our water and getting away with it.  That sent me in a tailspin of emotions.  DKF was gone from my apartment to do my laundry and the laundromat, and she had come back chatting on the phone with a friend until she had to leave for her next client.  DKF didn’t leave my place until after 8 AM, so she didn’t return until 10 AM.  That left her only thirty to forty-five minutes left to be with me.

I did my best to wait for her to get off the phone, but it didn’t happen. That sent me into another spin of emotions.  I needed to talk to her about the piece of mail.  She did return for a while at 5 PM to make a couple of meals until 5:30 PM.  I told her what was bothering me.  She understood what I was saying, and she told me kindly that I need to not worry about what others think of President Trump.  Yes, easier said than done, but I hear what she means.  No, I shouldn’t have let it bother me – I did.  It was a rough day.  I have decided not to watch my standard TV programming today.  I watched a Nancy Drew Mystery movie, and see what other Nancy Drew programs to see what the series brought.  Another show I decided to watch on the Roku channel was The First 48.  It was one of those days that I needed to have a different routine.

I have my iPad, and I am watching a Picture Perfect Mystery on HMM.  I will fall asleep before midnight now that I have taken the time to write in my journal.  I am going to say good night.  It is 9:30 PM.  Good night.