Kristi Karnopp's Diary & Blog

For A Moment

Sometimes it doesn’t take much for me to be confused or lose track of time. It only took a few seconds this time to realize what the date was u was thinking of the 8th because I just posted the entry for the 8th of the month of April. Is it really the 9th already? By golly, looking at my phone, it is the 9th already and I first wrote or in this case, typed 8 to write today’s entry. Oops! It’s time for bed and to put my electronic devices down for the night—even my book I began reading. Anyway, let me finish this entry and post it before shutting things down for the night. I am getting tired. I did get fresh air and it is after 10 PM.

The Need to Vent Again…

I will be very honest here. As Jackie and I were heading to Citrus Café for breakfast, we got a few feet away from exiting Garden Court when I started expressing my feelings about Donna not texting me back even a ‘how are you’ or ‘how was your weekend’ for two weeks now and I am getting really frustrated about it so much that I am very upset. All Jackie could say is that maybe she’s overwhelmed with family things right now. Yeah, but she could say she’s busy right now. I’m beginning to feel I have no one to trust all over again and I have yet to tell Julie M how I feel that I can’t trust her fully right now. Telling how I feel verbally doesn’t work well for me but writing my feelings out on paper or a computer screen like right now works for me. I told Jackie I wanted to go to a hotel until an apartment becomes available for me to move from Garden Court. She said that would not be a bad idea, but it would not work out.

Citrus Café

Anyway, we went to Citrus Café and she had eggs and toast while I had a fajita skillet with two over easy eggs. It was delicious and I have leftovers now, yummy for the tummy, and the portions are huge that I can make two to three meals out of their meals. Delicious! After breakfast, we went to the library next door.

The Library

With the help from Debbie getting me to use the online services the library has: 1. Hoopla and 2. Libby, Deb talked to a gal who took care of my library card that still had a overdue book fine on it and cleared that so I could read books and magazines online before the beginning of the year 2024. When I learned who the gal Deb was talking about, Jackie, Debbie, and I took time to go to the library to see if the gal was in that Tuesday, and woo hoo, Jamie was there and yes, it was the gal I went to school with Jamie Loveland who is now Swenson. I got my first couple of books to take home to read. No overdue books this time. That was on a very nice day that didn’t have snow. Anyway, weeks later, Jackie and I returned to the library today for a while.

Today’s excursion to the library was to get new books to read as Deb said she would return my books I’ve finished reading this round back to the library. Thanks, Debbie! I looked at Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys but didn’t get any of those books this time. I know where they are, though. I decided to get another book by Caroline Graham, James Patterson, John Grisham  and Jeanette Oke. I came home with 4 books since I read fast in a short period of time. I love a good mystery and Christian based books. Jeanette Oke is one of my favorite authors as well.

After leaving the library, we headed back to relax before my IRIS nurse dropped by for her 90 day visit. Her name is Melissa. Jackie and I, upon my need to knock on Donna’s door today, saw Donna for a few minutes chatting in the hallway, and seeing her did help my my mood a little. Now, I am going to heal from my down mode.

IRIS Nurse Visit

Well, it was not Melissa. It ended up being Barb Thorne. Her appearance was a surprise for both me and Jackie but she was welcome without any problems. We learned that Melissa had to leave due to a tragedy and so Barb was here today for almost 45 minutes answering Jackie’s ongoing questions, lol. She did ask the right questions, though. Meeting Barb ended nicely, but I’m going to have to get a new nurse as Barb is for a different area of Wisconsin—phooey…

Another Outing

Jackie and I went to talk to housing people. I learned that River Flats does have ways to get into the building and you do have to be disabled and homeless to get into the damn place. It is not HUD. The woman who spoke to us from behind a glass partition, I dislike them, did give Jackie a paper for other subsidizing housing. Okay, we will see what we can do because living at Garden Court is no longer my happy place, yet a home… My home is not a 100% happy home anymore like at Burbank Plaza. I will find my 100% happy home soon.

10

At Wits End Now

Damn it, people, it will be two weeks tomorrow I have been in such a funk—a sadness that just is sticking with me as I am sad that my friend Donna has not called me back, texted, and seen in person during a pass while in the apartment complex’s lobby. In fact, I have seen no one in the lobby much while waiting for my ride for dialysis. Did everyone disappear or did I miss the rapture? I don’t know. I guess I will be okay in the long run as I always find a what I am looking for. I will be okay soon and that I believe. I will find happiness again. I will find happiness soon. I always do.

I have decided to write my feelings to Jackie a text on how I was feeling and this is what I said: I am still hurting emotionally. I can’t explain it all, but I want to leave Garden Court altogether and never deal with the people who live there. I am done with everyone who lives there, Jackie. Once I do leave Garden Court, I am done with everybody there … Donna will not text me when I say how are you or how was your weekend, and that fucking hurts me! I am done telling her how I feel now. I am sick and tired of being ignored. I want to leave GC and never look back. This is how I feel today and it’s killing me emotionally and I’ve cried a lot these past two weeks as of tomorrow. I feel like crap. Uugghh.

Beginning to Wonder Why I Bother

I am hurting and it has been a while I have seen happy days. I can’t explain my feelings very well so I do so with writing. I am escaping into a place we know as a made up town call Midsomer villages of sorts like Badgers Drift, Causton. Yes, made up villages in England—English actors and actresses are seen on Midsomer Murders on channel 522 on Roku Live TV on my Roku system I love over cable tv that is getting too expensive to pay each month. Over $100 these days!

It has been two weeks — almost, here, dealing with sadness and hurt! What did I do? What did I say? What the heck, I can’t express my feelings verbally and I am not being heard with my written words now, either! What the hell did I do? Hello…Donna? Answer me, please! I’m hurting here and you not texting me back is really hurting me, Donna. Dang it! I want to scream and cry!

I am taking the time for the first time today to write in my journal. Debbie came at 8:30 AM and got me to the bathroom, lotioned my legs and feet after getting back into bed for the day, evening, and night. I had two fried egg sandwiches, spicy bread and butter pickles, and two turkey sausage links. Millie had her egg yolk while Magic sniffed and walked away from his yolk this morning, and Millie polishing his off as well. Debbie made sure I had my meds, waters, lunch and supper ready by my bed, and got a couple of extra snacks by my bed and left to make sure her son prepared and ready for his baseball game away today. I am still dealing with emotional ups and downs.

Still Dealing with My Emotions

My week of emotional distress is still going on and strong. A snowball affect has come and gone these few days. I am still feeling the blahs. The weather has been rainy and chilly these days. This week and last week, the past two week, I have had more days of the blahs than happy days. Not going any further in my writing in my journaling tonight. Gotta go for now anyway!

Dialysis Update

Dialyzing with the machine today was very good although my goal weight is 194 to 196 pounds, and I am disappointed and hurt because the Seroquel is what put my weight on me within a month after reaching to below 180 pounds within a year. Now I need to lose weight again. It is not easy when my blood pressure goes below 100/50 and the machine has to only clean my blood 🩸 only. Being at 88 kilos is very frustrating right now. I need to talk to Dr. Anjum on Monday if he comes in. I am at a loss right now. 😕😣

The Rest of the Day

When I arrived home, I waited for Jackie to arrive which within a couple of minutes. She was home and went to Kwik Trip to get a loaf of bread now that I’m running low again. I have cheese sandwiches or peanut butter and jelly/honey sandwiches. She noticed that the vehicle sitting there, and I told her I had to go around the vehicle and my driver noticed it would not move so I could get in easier. The way I got in could have been easier but that vehicle with the driver not in the vehicle. I had to wait a little longer while Jackie went to the office to have the person know that he could not be sitting there and this area was for pick up and drop off, and for emergency vehicles to park in case of need of taking care of a tenant in need. The gentleman got upset with management and the driver came out and was being unnecessarily nasty to office personnel telling him about parking there instead of parking in a stall. Jackie, Marie, and I made our way upstairs with Marie having the elevator stop on the second floor for her and Jackie and I went to the third floor. Home at last and have a donut and get into bed for the rest of the day.

Good Night

Time for bed. Time to say good night and get some sleep. It has been an emotional roller coaster for me. One of those weeks of emotions playing in me nonstop.

Caught Up Now?! And An Emotional Week

I believe I am all caught up now on my postings at Dear Diary! Sometimes I can’t post right away although my entries are written. There are days where I will write one entry or post more than one. It depends on my day. I may not write one day or give it a few days since my days have the same routine on a daily basis. Now the weekend is coming, but it will not start until I get home from dialysis this afternoon between 2:30 PM and 3:00 PM. Today is my last day of the weekend for treatment where my blood gets cleans of toxins and fluid buildup. I have mixed feelings about the weekend coming this time around, too, because my week has been having ups and downs everyday this week since Tuesday!

Time to Write

While I wait for Debbie my caregiver to arrive, I am watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent with Goren and Eames starring Vincent D’Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe. These two actors are my most favorite two of am the show even though I love everyone on the show. I like shows like this.

Two Movies & School Spirits Series

I forgot to mention that with Thursdays being Jackie’s full day at my place working, napping, and watching television, I do take time from watching my Midsomer Murders. I decided to look into some movies and found one scary one titled Split. Although the movie was said to be scary, I realized what the movie was all about. The gentleman in the movie had several personalities and the girl that survived her kidnapping was his niece. Yet, one of his personalities kidnapped his niece and two of her girlfriends heading to a party with the niece’s dad. He was killed while he was putting food in the trunk while the girls were getting in the car. The girls saw a stranger getting into the driver’s side of the car and the niece was in the front seat who recognized the gentleman as her uncle but at the moment was not her uncle but someone else. Her uncle was one of the personalities we see at least in her memories and 3 to 4 different times throughout the movie. Her friends are killed and one of his personalities eat the girls like an animal. The gentleman sees a counselor played by Betty Buckley is trying to help him and knows his personality splits. She comes to his residence or place of work and never leaves. She gets killed by one of his strongest personalities by crushing her to death around the ribs. The niece survived the kidnapping as her uncle comes back to bring her up to the surface from being underground. The niece was being held underneath a zoo as her uncle comes down and brings her up to civilization alive and the only girl of three who survived.

Jackie and I also watched The Miracle Club starring two people I like: Kathy Bates and Maggie Smith. The other actors I did not recognize. Then we watched a series called School Spirits about a girl who was supposedly killed at her school, but the last episode showed her at the bus depot getting a bus ticket out of town. So, who hurt her? Did she really die? Hmm?, that is the mystery of the story…

Still Feeling the Blahs

I am still unhappy somewhat. I am not sulking, but still a bit moody. If things do not go right, which I feel haven’t today, either. This week, going to be Friday tomorrow, April 5^th and my dad’s 82^nd birthday, I am still dealing with emotional ups and downs — mainly downs all week. I just cannot get back in my cheerful ol’ self. It has been a rough week for me I guess.

Truth Is…

One friend has misplaced their trust and I have to, yet, find the darn words to tell her how I feel. I can’t express my feelings verbally like other people can because once I start talking the damn words come out wrong, and I get more frustrated and loud, and misunderstood. The only way I can express my feelings is in writing. With these words going across my computer screen online at DD.

Journaling or Writing in a Diary

My first diary was a birthday gift from my stepfather’s sister on my 12^th birthday as she said every teenager now-a-days has a diary. I was considered a pre-teen and girls my age start writing in a diary. Well… okay, I think I can do this.

Anyway, that diary is gone. The pages turned yellow, and the penned entries faded to the point they were hard to read and I used it for entries years later in my 30’s and could write over the faded entries without destroying the yellowed pages. I was surprised, even though the pages smelled musty and old, they did not disintegrate in my fingers practically twenty years later. Even the rusty keys still worked in the lock but by the time I was in my 30’s, I just threw the keys away and never locked 🔐 the diary again and said goodbye to it with no sadness. I can get notebooks or other diaries from the store anytime.

 Now, today, my diary is online at Dear Diary. How the times move on to electronic devices these days. I have had my first cell phone in 2000 — a Nokia 360 with the phone company Cingular I believe. It was not US Cellular for sure. Since then, I forgot the phone company name because the phone companies changed a few times from 1990 to the present and I remember Ameritech, and AT&T, 

8:30 PM

Stopped reading and turned off the light. Good night, peeps.

A New Day

With being able to sleep last night between 8:30 PM and 9:00 PM, I have to admit that I am still tired at 7:30 AM waiting for Debbie to arrive to get me ready for my day and downstairs by 10:45 AM as my ride will be here by 11 AM, and the weather is…

Snow!

Here, in April and now, spring  we have flurries happening. Yep, it’s snowing, gosh golly  WOW moment in my day. I’m one of those people who did not ask for this snowy weather today. I wish it to be over and be warm, dry, and nice. 😌 I did not ask for this weather. Nope!

Dialysis Update

Dialysis went smoothly for my two hours and forty-five minutes of treatment. The machine alarmed four times because of the arterial line was having an issue, but I made it through treatment without having too many problems. I did have to go into minimum twenty minutes from being done to clean my blood only. No big deal, but I was cramping on my left side by the kidney area that there is no more kidney on the left side. It was ‘OUCH’ dude do not bother me right now. Dialysis was done by 2:30 PM. I hate cramps by the kidney site or breast (left). Ugh!

One Last Thing

I am still feeling a little low but better than I felt on Monday I realized my friend Donna did not answer me from last Tuesday, March 27, 2024, and she has not texted me back with other texts like ‘how was your weekend?’ With Donna not answering my texts has gotten my mood in a spiral of emotions I can’t stop 🛑�…I am not my happiest right now. I want to cry and if anything else goes awry  it’ll continue downhill! Usually the snowball rolling down the hill happens. I hate days like this, but I do my best when not happy, and those days have been a few the past four to five days. Well, good night, peeps.

At this point in time, I believe I have found a way to write in my diary here at Dear Diary, my friends. Woohoo! Now on with my day.

No Sleep

Awake on running on adrenaline right now, I had a problem getting any sleep last night. I have been up all night crying and sobbing, watching Midsomer Murders on Roku Live channel 522 in my bedroom. I think my cat Magic knew I was not feeling my best emotionally and had come to lay by me for a while during the night after 1 AM to 7 AM when the food dispensed the cats’ breakfast in their bowls. Automatic food dispensers work wonders when they work correctly, lol. Deb will be here by 7:30 AM to get me going for the day as I have a counseling appointment today. I AM NOT MISSING THIS APPOINTMENT! I need to go.

Running on Adrenaline!

Since no sleep occurred during the hours sleep should be, I am running on adrenaline today. I really dislike days like this, but what can I do otherwise? I can make it from the bedroom to the bathroom, back to the bedroom to get dressed for the day, then walk to the living room to sit in the power chair until it was time to leave to go downstairs and watch for my medical ride to pick me up.

Raining

With my crying and sobbing all night long and getting no sleep, the City of Janesville is having a lot of rain this morning around 9:30 AM – 10 AM as I wait for my ride, and looking at the weather forecast, snow is coming this afternoon.  It is not going to be pleasant week! Out in the rain showers I go to my counseling appointment with Deb Johnson at Mercy Options. Counseling is one place I will go willingly. I can be honest with Deb. She like it. Now remember that I am running on adrenaline today, ok? Thanks for understanding — no sleep.

At Mercy Options Now at 9:37 AM

Finally getting to Mercy Options, I can breathe for a while and delve in my library book for a while before getting ready to see Deb. I’m reading A Ghost in the Machine by Caroline Graham – A DCI Tom Barnaby bowel. Yes, Midsomer Murders on Britbox, Tubi, and freevee, and on the Roku Live channel 522. I am seriously considering renewing my two library books one more time, so I do not have any fines on my library card.

Counseling Appointment

Well… my appointment went well. I didn’t have to hide my feelings with Deb in front of me understanding that I am upset and sad. I told her my friend Donna hasn’t talked to me in a while and writing her last Thursday and haven’t heard back from her bothers me a lot and is the cause of a sleepless night, and she has yet not called me back from last night. We also talked about my friendship with Julie M that seems to bother me as well. I feel Julie has betrayed her trust by telling Jackie that I wanted to talk to her in private, when I texted it does not involve Jackie. Her trust has been misplaced and she has misplaced her trust more than once. I’m not sure if I can continue my friendship with Julie M. I have yet to get my feelings to Julie M, and the words need to be perfect. I am not going to allow her to poo poo my feelings being my opinion! I have not spoken to Julie M for a while.

With tears and my feelings written in notes on Deb’s paper, I have to say I was ready to get downstairs to first floor and get home from this rainy weather that has snow coming this afternoon.

Donna

Jackie did speak to Donna. I didn’t do anything wrong. Donna hasn’t responded because she didn’t come up with the words to help me yet because cancer is in my family. She doesn’t want to upset me any further. Donna is not mad at me, just quiet about it at the moment, I guess. She has not responded to my other texts, though. That bothers me a lot, and today I cried during my counseling session because I have been upset. My mind is on my hurting emotion today. I am lost not knowing what do. Yes, I talked about Donna not responding to my texts from last Tuesday to today. I’m frustrated—very much so and a little weepy.

Lunch Time

As soon as I got into the building, there was no reason for me to stay in the lobby. I wanted to my bedroom and turn the television on and watch a television show with Jackie and eat lunch. I had chicken tortilla wraps. Millie the kitty cat tried to grab some for herself by climbing onto my stomach and chest to nab a bite of the other end, so Jackie distracted her with a couple bites of her raspberry pop tart crust. My little girl thinks she is starving and isn’t satisfied with just cat food. Since I didn’t sleep all night, I was still too upset to eat breakfast, so lunch was my first meal of the day today. I was kind of hungry. Upon eating the chicken tortilla wraps, I was hungrier but still upset and getting tired.

Jackie

Jackie left for a while to take care of something and came back to make a couple of cheese sandwiches, get my snacks, and refresh my waters before leaving. Magic decided to cuddle on Jackie’s lap for a few minutes after she got back, and was not happy with her when she moved him and got ready to leave for the night, and I could tell that I would be able to sleep by 7 PM, so I took my evening meds and settled down for the night by reading for a while before my eyes got droopy.

8:30 PM

Stopped reading and turned off the light. Good night, peeps.