Today was an emotional day for me with a lot of tears. I am not going to harm myself or do myself in because it will not get me anywhere with God. Also, I do have a cat, wild as can be at times, I already have difficulty leaving when I go to my appointments for therapy and dialysis on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. With this said I know that Magic Kitty loves to lay about the apartment, look out the window, and wait patiently for me who happens to have a schedule every day of the week no matter what goes on in my home. Yes, I have a routine and sometimes it gets changed around for fun or by accident or how the day begins.
Anyway, with no sleep last night because I was crying a lot. Not always does a crying spell makes me fall asleep. I am going through some depression and need to be put on medication to help balance the brain. Today I did think about how there is so much hate and I do not want to be in the world of hatred anymore. I am not suicidal but think about it without carrying through with it because spiritually you will not get into heaven that way. I have known others who have carried out their suicidal actions and died because of depression, bullying, and getting teased badly enough to commit suicide. The only people I do not know personally are murderers. I am not being silly as this is serious, and I do have a serious side of me a lot more outside my everyday goofy side people see, but that is hard to come by when depression hits harder than I have had in the past. I believe, being honest, I have not felt this bad for several years when I began taking medication for depression and anxiety comes to mind in the 90’s when I lived on Milton Avenue, and I started that medication and slept day and night on the floor of my living room with a cat named Emilee who would lay next to me or on my back. I have forgotten the medication name since then, too. At least right now the name does not come into my mind. It has been a bad night for me.
Today I got therapy and just could not do anything, so BL let me go. As I drove my power chair to dialysis, I knew I needed to talk to KG the social worker to get some help in finding a counseling center and tell her I have been dealing with depression for too long, and the dam broke last night to where I felt my worst. Yes, I think about suicide but going through with it and I have my reasons I have explained already in the above paragraph. I would be lost spiritually, and God’s special plans would be lost forever because I have done the worst possible thing a person could do—kill themselves we call murder if another person killed a person. Um, not me. I am here for a reason and God has had his son Jesus come to live among His people and sinners alike to spread the word of God to all listeners and scoffers alike. I believe everyone believes in God in some areas way, but it is not always in a good way. Even Satan who is named Lucifer knows God, but his wants to be God, too, to deceive and lie, and be powerful. Jesus, who lived thirty-years and died on the cross because people wanted to murder the Messiah. Jesus came to us so long ago to show us that his death brings hope to all—resurrection to a place we know as heaven. Jesus died on the cross on a Friday, was taken to a tomb and rested on Saturday, a day we Seventh-day Adventists call Sabbath. The Bible talks about one day of rest. Unfortunately, it is not Sunday. Saturday is the seventh day of the week, and Sunday is the first day of the week. I have to admit that I believe that Monday, minus doctors, nurses, firefighters and EMT’s, and policemen and women, is the first day of the work week. I do not want to cram religion down anyone’s throat to make one change their beliefs. Also, I am one person who will not argue that this is true or not and sling Bible says is the truth when it is right there already in front of me or you, the Ten Commandments say it all in Exodus 20. I used to go to church on Sundays, but I do not anymore. Now,I am getting off my soap box to continue writing about my depression and get to the bottom of it.
Like I said, I needed to talk to our dialysis social worker. She knows thst I have been dealing with something that has been causing a lot of unhappiness. What happened last night has made me feel not to have any communication with my mom and dad both. I told KG that I have been dealing with depression, need of a counselor and get on meds for depression and anxiety, and the need to wait until November or even January to see a primary doctor for my medical needs. I even told KG that the only doctors I trust were our nephrology doctors right there in the building otherwise Mercy has let me down this past year and a half. She promised to help me and we will go from there. Not too long of a wait, I was in for my dialysis treatment of the day.
Yes, I am in a bout of depression. It sucks and I want to do something about it. I get a phone call from Dr. B office to call them back to reschedule since she will be out of the office on November 28th. When she looked, I said that I have been dealing with depression for some time. Found out that there was an appointment open on November 16th at 9:30 AM. I think I went into shock at that moment. Finding that I had just gotten an appointment sooner than Nov 28th. I do not think God wanted me to play with my depression any longer since I have been dealing with depression for a while now. I am in the work do get that taken care of before it gets to the point, I do not have any cares at home. Nothing gets done when screaming and yelling occurs. I have screamed and yelled at my workers for the last time. I know I need help.
Today I have thought of divorcing my parents by not having them in my life because the family dynamics is all screwed up. The only family member I will speak to is my brother and his wife. My brother and I have had communication since the beginning of the year because I want a relationship with him. My brother GLK is my brother as we share the same mother and father. My health is fair and relatively good and stable despite my kidney disease and I am on dialysis three times a week.