Today, December 14, 2023

Once again, I have been sporadic in writing in my diary here at DD. It has been quiet and less in my writing here at DD. Do I have a lot to say for some reason. Being here at DD for several years now proves that I do not have a lot to write about sometimes, now, this day. It’s late and I have one more treatment for the week, and next week, I have treatment on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, then it’ll be Christmas Eve on Sunday, and have dialysis on Sunday, December 24, 2023, because Monday, December 25th is Christmas Day, and the dialysis center is closed that day. It’ll be nice to be back on my regular schedule after January 2nd, 2024.

Anyway, today was a busy day. I had a counseling appointment at 9 AM and my nails were done up nicely at 2 PM. It was my first counseling appointment with D at Mercy Options. I believe it went ok establishing common ground with D (female). She asked questions to establish an idea of what needs to be worked on on my life, what medication I need for my anxiety. JP embarrassed more than once, and my thought about what she thought I needed to work on was nothing I actually expected. I just wished that she would have been a little quieter at times because she was talking more than I wanted to her to say anything.

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Dialysis Almost Done for the Day

I have minutes left to dialyze. Yippie and an update will be written shortly. Goodbye for now.

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Start of My Day

Good morning from Janesville, Wisconsin. It looks like another cold day today at only 27 degrees this fine March day. It’s a dialysis day number two this week. Do I really want to go? No, not really, but I am not like some of the patients who will come when they want to or wish to, though. I am obedient to my doctors for the most part anyway even though I don’t like going to the doctor’s office. Dialysis is a must that needs to be done three times a week unfortunately. I hate it some days, but it does get me out of the apartment for a while and I see other patients there.

Speaking of other patients, I haven’t seen Linda and Paul for a while, and I learned they had died. Oh my goodness gracious  those two patients made me smile. There is another patient who makes me smile as well. His name is Ray. To be very honest, his jokester attitude also makes me roll my eyes a lot—practically every day he jokes with the techs in such  way that  can be eye popping scary sometimes yet we laugh with him after telling him that’s not nice. On Monday I volunteered to chop off his arm while one of the techs would chop off both legs. He loved and laughed at the idea saying he deserved that backtrack of the damn joke. Lol. I was glad of that to be very honest with you. What a jokester Ray is.

On occasion, I will see or hear patients who have Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday appointments but not all the time. I do miss my friends and regulars from those days, too. I did see Sally and another once this month because they needed an extra day. I don’t miss Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, though. I am glad to have normal weekends off dialysis now to be very honest. I just don’t like the 11:45 AM-2:30 PM time slot, and I can’t get up and going at 4:30 AM in the morning because my caregivers don’t get up that early. Julie M does 5 days of the week and every other week, 4 days of the week she is at her hospital job cooking for inpatients. She has Tuesdays and every other weekend off when there is enough workers those days, and sometimes she works overtime. It has been a rare occasion for her being off lately because other workers don’t want to work these days. The younger generation don’t want to work. How stupid. Because of my recent change in my physical condition and I am not bedridden anymore. I do like ti lay in bed when I’m home, though. I have low energy these days with low kidney function.

Well, the time right now is nothing to worry about. My medical ride will be here by 11 AM – 11:30 AM today. On Monday, my ride did not come until 11:15 AM and we didn’t leave the parking lot until 11:20 or 11:25 AM. It did not make me happy … not real happy about that. I think dispatch needs help. He is doing a good job most of the time, but I did not get a text at 2 PM yesterday regarding my wide, so I had to call and double check with Harry or Monica. You Buy We Fly is a family-owned business and it is a good medical ride company.

I am watching Midsomer Murders season 12 on Freevee this morning on my living room television. When I leave for dialysis, I will turn on the Roku Live channel for the cats so they have something they can hear during my 5 hours I am gone. Even though I am on the dialysis machine for only two hours and forty-five minutes each clinic visit, it takes a few minutes to clean and hook me up and a few minutes to unhook my catheter to and from the machine. It may seem a mundane to someone, but the techs and nurses want no problems with the machines. The patients as well.

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Waiting for my Medical Ride

Waiting for my ride to dialysis this week so far has been frustrating and longer than usual. I haven’t gotten to the clinic until almost 11:30 AM this week. It makes me feel very frustrated when I do not have time to sit for a few minutes before going to get a weigh-in before sitting in my chair. Picking me up between 11:15 AM – 11:30 AM is not acceptable, but I’m not complaining as long as I am on by 11:45 AM that happens to my on time anyway, but I love it I get on between 11:30 – 11:40 AM. No, I don’t like my on and off time always because getting here at 7:30 AM does not work for my caregivers. Deb is a mother to a high school in his junior year and Jackie is not a morning person before 9 AM. Before I moved to a time with having no dialysis on Saturdays did not happen until the clinic moved to the third floor of the hospital of the Sister Michael Barry Building above the cancer treatment center on the second floor.

I want to look into the Sister the building is named after. The building is attached to the hospital and the third floor was built above the cancer treatment facility in two years and we moved from 903 Mineral Pt. In July 2023. That was when the dialysis social worker was able to move my days to Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I have yet to return to church in Beloit, Wisconsin on Cranston Rd on Saturdays.

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My Fur Babies Magic and Millie Kitty

With Tuesdays and Thursdays now, I do what I can at home and be with my fur babies Magic and Millie kitties. I do not do much except have breakfast, lunch, and dinner at home. I get out during the day when the weather is decent and good, but today has been a little chilly, windy, and raining most of the day. Every morning, when Debbie is working for/with me, I have a fried egg sandwich and spicy bread and butter pickles with mustard and blue cheese dipping sauces. Mustard helps cramps in/of the body, and it makes the egg sandwich taste yummy and delicious, and yes, I love my mustard. Millie Kitty gets an egg yolk for breakfast, too. Yes, my fur babies are spoiled rotten and pretty sassy at times throughout the day. I love spending timer with my fur babies varies. If I do not feed my fur babies, they might get attention throughout the day or not. Ever since Magic has had his sister kitty, he seems less problematic, but now and then he acts up and gets in the wag like a normal cat does during gfs week. They both know the routine of their mama here and when it is treat time, they are right there meowing their pleasure of treat time! Silly babies!

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March 25, 2024s—Update on Dialysis & Friendships Have Changed

A new ‘work’ week has begun. Dialysis started today and a patient got his dismissal papers today because his kidneys have turned around to be done with dialysis. CONGRATULATIONS to that patient. I met this gentleman last Friday, thinking he was a permanent patient too old to have a transplant at his age. Still, congratulations… Anyway, dialysis went smoothly UNTIL the last thirty minutes my BP went below 100/50 so the tech and nurse decide to have the machine clean my blood and stop the machine from taking out more fluid. My body, unfortunately, does not have fluid to take out of me. I do have to admit that this goal weight being at 84 kilograms is NOT being made exactly! I am reaching 86 to 85 kilograms at a dialysis cleaning, but it has been frustrating me a lot. I’m greatly disappointed about it to be very honest here with you. I wanna cry if I have any tears left after crying over the weekend because I’m getting frustrated with bits and pieces of my life have changed my mood a bit. I am just getting to accept my life the way it is for the past two years. It took a long time to get my head out of my ass So to speak!

With that said, I get my nails done twice a month now at a place just down the street on S Main St. You see, N Main St. becomes S Main St. after we cross E Milwaukee St. I live on N Main St in downtown Janesville, Wisconsin in a place Garden Court. This place has felt like home ten years ago or so, but today, my feelings of this place is definitely NOT home. It does not feel like a prison, either. It is not homey anymore, though, and I cannot come up with the right words right now, either. Maybe later…maybe not.

My life as a diarist has its perks and lows in my life. The other day, March 24th was definitely a low. I do believe that some of my friendships with certain people have been questionable. I do not know what to think and I do not know how to express my feelings to some of my friends. Should I even bother to say anything? For a couple of them, I am sure will not understand my feelings and will move on, and I may have only one friend who fully understand my feelings 100% without having to say one word of agreement. I believe would. That would be my friend Donna. Thanks Donna! Yes!!

Agree to Changed Friendships 

I believe, unfortunately, that my friendship has changed when it comes to Kelly and Jennie. I believe that I, being friendly to Kelly and Jennie, our friendship is very distant. We never do anything together or plan to get together. We have our separate lives to live and we all have walked the same path or road together at one time but not anymore. I even feel my friendship with Julie M has changed because she worked for me and got burned out:

Julie M’s relationship has changed in recent weeks, and I cannot explain it right now. I may never find the answer. Not being able to express my feelings about friends … being poo poo’ed from being out and about it! When I figure it out, I will let you know. Another late night the night before dialysis treatment tomorrow morning.

With the fact of my disability/handicap aging a bit in the past two years, seeing myself in this light took some time to accept in my life. I am no longer bedridden these days, but I still will not change or become someone I do not want to be because other people saw me one way long ago and apparently I am now not the same person they once knew. I have never satisfied anyone about being my own self all my life at age 53 and all my life. It irritates me that people see me one way and if any part of me changes, my friends do not like me anymore. Not everyone accepts me for who I really am. People have to be prejudice against me. That is hurtful sometimes. I am I am not able to drive, ok? I don’t want to drive…period!! I will change myself when I’m ready—because I will not change for no one. Anyway, having a group of friends does not make you popular.

Why do I feel that friendship matters to me as much as it does? I really do not have an answer to that right now, either. Isn’t that scary? Nope, and that is how I feel personally and I do care. I am sensitive and wear my damn heart on my sleeve and I’m not okay with it, either. Do I make sense? I believe I do to be honest with you. Yeah, friends matter to me and feelings will not change for everyone … I believe!

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Life Continues

A new ‘work’ week has begun. Dialysis started today and a patient got his dismissal papers today because his kidneys have turned around to be done with dialysis. CONGRATULATIONS to that patient. I met this gentleman last Friday, thinking he was a permanent patient too old to have a transplant at his age. Still, congratulations… Anyway, dialysis went smoothly UNTIL the last thirty minutes my BP went below 100/50 so the tech and nurse decide to have the machine clean my blood and stop the machine from taking out more fluid. My body, unfortunately, does not have fluid to take out of me. I do have to admit that this goal weight being at 84 kilograms is NOT being made exactly! I am reaching 86 to 85 kilograms at a dialysis cleaning, but it has been frustrating me a lot. I’m greatly disappointed about it to be very honest here with you. I wanna cry if I have any tears left after crying over the weekend because I’m getting frustrated with bits and pieces of my life have changed my mood a bit. I am just getting to accept my life the way it is for the past two years. It took a long time to get my head out of my ass So to speak!

With that said, I get my nails done twice a month now at a place just down the street on S Main St. You see, N Main St. becomes S Main St. after we cross E Milwaukee St. I live on N Main St in downtown Janesville, Wisconsin in a place Garden Court. This place has felt like home ten years ago or so, but today, my feelings of this place is definitely NOT home. It does not feel like a prison, either. It is not homey anymore, though, and I cannot come up with the right words right now, either. Maybe later…maybe not.

My life as a diarist has its perks and lows in my life. The other day, March 24th was definitely a low. I do believe that some of my friendships with certain people have been questionable. I do not know what to think and I do not know how to express my feelings to some of my friends. Should I even bother to say anything? For a couple of them, I am sure will not understand my feelings and will move on, and I may have only one friend who fully understand my feelings 100% without having to say one word of agreement. I believe would. That would be my friend Donna. Thanks Donna! Yes!!

Agree to Changed Friendships 

I believe, unfortunately, that my friendship has changed when it comes to Kelly and Jennie. I believe that I, being friendly to Kelly and Jennie, our friendship is very distant. We never do anything together or plan to get together. We have our separate lives to live and we all have walked the same path or road together at one time but not anymore. I even feel my friendship with Julie M has changed because she worked for me and got burned out:

Julie M’s relationship has changed in recent weeks, and I cannot explain it right now. I may never find the answer. Not being able to express my feelings about friends … being poo poo’ed from being out and about it! When I figure it out, I will let you know.

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The Need to Write About Friendships Right Now

At the moment, unfortunately, I am watching TV, Tubi, on my iPad because one of the cats got to the power to my TV’s surge protector. I’m not very happy about it because if I find out differently in the morning, my caregiver and myself, will not two unhappy people tomorrow. Yeah, because it is almost 10 PM this Sunday evening, I am a little downtrodden tonight as I am listening to Midsomer Murders on Tubi on my iPad tonight at 86% on battery power. Going to stop listening to the show for the night anyway. I need to find better time to write in my thoughts of the day before bed and dang it, I have to poo, and that’ll have to wait until morning now that I am in bed for the night.

With the TV off, the Tubi channel off on my iPad, I am able to write in my diary for the night, but it is not going to be like this every night after 10 PM…believe me! I cannot afford not having a good night sleep to begin dialysis week Monday morning at 11:45=AM when Debbie is going to be here at 7:30 AM to wash my hair and give me a bath. My thoughts are on the way to be written tonight before sleep.

I Have Been Thinking About Friendships & My Life In the Spiritual Sense Lately

Well, lately, I have been thinking about my friendships with several people these days as well as my spiritual walk with Jesus. Ummm…not in the best light right now. A bit dim unfortunately and sadly enough. Especially, spiritually is a bit dim. Because I do not go to church physically because I haven’t been practicing getting into a vehicle yet, and with my feelings of where my friendship lies with Julie M right now makes me want to cry right now because I do not see a healthy friendship between us right now. I see it having been toxic for quite some time now. It is because I have had her, Julie M, working for me for several months while Debbie was on medical leave due to cancer. I blame myself for allowing it to happen knowing that working with friends is NOT A GOOD IDEA, people! I’ve worked with my friend Hope in the past in a couple of workplaces and our friendship went down the tubes very fast within weeks. I had to leave one workplace because it put a damper on our friendship, and after her health and happiness went downhill, I became afraid of her, and wanted her to be emotionally happy, but could not be of any help because she did not want to be happy anymore. Her life had been rough on her and after her dad passed away, I could not be around her anymore. She never smiled or laughed anymore, and seeing her unhappy had frightened me badly. Now, my friendship with Julie M has been upsetting the apple cart to point I need to walk away from her, too. Even putting the friendship in hiatus is not helping me feel any better. I cannot explain it at the moment.

My relationships with Kelly W and Jennie S seem to be distant, too. I thought my moving to Garden Court, the place I called home practically twelve years ago now or a little more, has been in question these days as well. I don’t mind living at Garden Court, but they way management runs this place has made it very difficult to live and be happy here. Kelly W has never been to my place since I have been here and Jennie has been here maybe three times since I moved in the building, and there was six months I was not even living here because I was in the hospital and two different nursing homes because of Mercy Hospital and their shitty personnel putting me there twice when I said no and have good care with caregivers. I dealt with severe depression and anxiety for six months in 2022 and all of 2023 unfortunately. I have lost faith and hope in my primary doctors in the Mercy Health system and want to bitch and complain about Mercy’s care. My life has changed since I had Covid and that darn hematoma that my life did not feel was my life until about a month ago. I have been a sad individual for a very long time and I feel I just got my life back just so many days ago.

Jennie barely lives here now as she stays with her boyfriend these days. If I ever see her, it’s in passing in the mornings while waiting for my medical rides to dialysis once a week when she comes to do laundry and visit with her roommate for a while that one day a week. Why bother coming to and fro between two places? It’s a waste of time and paying rent at a place you see only four days a darn month. I find it kind of stupid and a wasted check that can be above $200 a month. Let your roommate live here by herself like she has been been for the past three years, Jennie. Why bother. You have disappointed your so-called friend by saying you will be here more and haven’t kept your side of the bargain. Why am I wasting my time and breath with a friend like you who barely comes, doesn’t text back right away or bothers answering the phone when someone calls. Your actions speak louder than what you do. I will be very happy leaving Garden Court when I get out of here.

When it comes to Kelly, she is very sensitive and self-centered. Self-centered? Yes, she is. It’s got be about her and her alone a lot. I rarely see her as she bounces from her place and her mother-in-laws apartment and they are across the hall from one another. I find that too easy and find it strange at times. Kelly’s husband has passed away three years ago from a health conditions beyond her and his control leaving her a widow after 25 years of happiness. Jimmy had Down syndrome and severe dementia at an early age and he died at the age of 50… Rest in peace Jimmy Wilson! I know you are greatly missed young man and friend. You left a wonderful wife and family behind.  With Kelly, unfortunately, you have to be careful what you say and do with her, so my friendship with her has always been distant with her since we met in high school. With two very good high schools in our city, we ended up going to the same one while Jimmy went to the other and somehow after Kelly graduated from school in 1990, a year after me, Jimmy and Kelly because the city’s special couple in a newspaper journalist’s life for 25+ years in the Janesville Gazette. Bless their deserved hearts, too. Their special relationship deserved the public’s affections and praises because disabled people need to be in the spotlight, too, gosh darn it! Jimmy and Kelly were sensational people as a couple living in the damn working world among people who aren’t all disabled. I could go on and on and on about these two amazing people even though my friendship with Kelly is indeed very distant as well, and that will remain theft way for the rest of my life because it is fine where we sit as friends now. I see her once in a while and it works fine. We chat once in a while.

Now, Janessa is one story after another. I lost my ability to keep up with her. With her lies and I could not keep with her going back and forth regarding her boyfriend who is a blind man. She would break up with him and go back out with him. One she told me that he gave her a recreation drug to try, and she got sick. With that and her taking prescription drugs did not please me at all. Actually, I got pissed off about it. I haven’t talked to her much ever since and do want nothing to do with her period. Now, I see her from time to time and barely say hello to one another because she has left a bad taste in my mouth. Half the time she looks mad about something or is spaced out. I do be civil with her. We haven’t exchanged phone numbers in two and a half years and could care less if she was still here in the building, but I am glad she is not six feet u dear the ground deadliest thing in because of illness or accidental death. I wouldn’t wish her dead in a bad way ever.

With my former friends Greg Arnold and Cheryl Krepel Ryan/Carrie Spafford Ellsworth, are no longer friends of mine these days to be honest with you. I looked up Greg Arnold and he passed away from brittle diabetes because he didn’t take good care of himself, and Nellie Steele passed away in 2017 or 2019, I had never seen Greg around anymore and every day to every week I check the internet for people I haven’t seen in a while, Cheryl/Carrie is a story I do not want to get into because talking about her gets me upset. Some things about her does not settle well inside me, and I don’t want anything to do with her or her ex-husband Jamie. He’s a jerk who has been married four times to friends of my mine but one. His relationship with Cheryl/Carrie changed her mentally in an unhealthy way and I do not like the person she has become. She has changed into. Changing her name for the reason ha   settled well with me, either because she did not like her given name and family name. Her mother has been dead for years and father committed suicide when she was a baby girl. She has been dead to me since Nellie Steele has died. Her strange attitude and behavior scared me away and SCARED ME! I will be civil to her. Now, her ex-Jamie? I will not give him any time of my day because he is rude and mean to me and has been mean to Carrie. I don’t want to have Jamie and Carrie back in my life because of our mental state of mind do not have the patience for one another anymore. Carrie scares me and her presence is haunting at times. If I see her, I will walk away from her without saying a word because I would sound scared in my tone, and blind and seeing impaired people can sense sounds well. In late 2001 and 2007, I have decided to have cataract surgery done on my eyes because when my vision took enough of not disguising black and blue in a wall hanging I had for the minute I moved into Burbank Plaza, the place was called Teamster Manor at the time I moved in in 1998, my hearing took up what I could not see in what I could hear. I could tell who had the ability to pinpoint the sound of footsteps on specific teachers during my loss of dark colors. 

To be continued

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March 23, 2024–My Day for this Saturday—Not Much Today

Do They Have IT Specialists?

With no major plans for today, I spent some time in my lift chair while Debbie was here for about an hour and a half before she left for her book club meeting out of town. Jackie came by for an hour and a half to come back at between 5:15 PM and leaving by 6 PM because she wanted to show me that the app she uses for GT has its constant ups and downs signing in and out, and the phone and the tablet showing two different things of her signing in and out is not the same. She’s going to be calling GT on Monday and let them know what happened. With her temperament and attitude about GT’s system may not get anywhere, but yet another thing about the app that needs to be looked into by GT’s IT staff if they have IT specialists??? We will wait and see…

Caroline Graham

I have been watching Midsomer Murders on Tubi or Freevee, or Roku Live channel 522. I have read The Killings at Badger’s Drift and Faithful unto Death, and now reading A Ghost in the Machine. Since yesterday, I have read through to chapter seven and heading towards chapter eight. It has been very hard to put the book door to rest my eyes and take a break! I am enjoying my reading time as it helps me escape the real world I live daily.

A Ghost in the Machine

After reading The Killings in Badgers Drift and Faithful unto Death, I am now reading A Ghost in the Machine. A very interesting story so far through chapter 6 and part of chapter 7. No mention of the police or the Causton PD known as DCI Barnaby and Sargent Troy yet. The excerpt of the police department has her to be called. Going to read through chapter 8 during my dialysis sessions  this coming week starting Sunday morning as my weekend is almost over. So far the story is good — not top 10 in my book yet this story, but definitely a story I can’t quite put down easily. Thanks, Caroline Graham! I love your books! I love to read…period, and a dialysis technician had to tease me about pretending to read…geez, Sam, lol! Hehehe my friend Mark E would say, as another lol would come about in my world.    

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The Weekend Will Be Here Soon! Yay!

Woohoo, one more dialysis treatment left for the week left before my weekend comes after 3 PM this afternoon. Woohoo! Ummm, Wisconsin today is under a weather advisory for a few hours today. Yep, we have snow falling today! For March is the beginning of spring although we have snow today. A little cold. And no, I did not ask for the snow today. 

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Amazon News

I am not going to argue about how my day went today. Also, I do not have any complaints to air out. Amazon replaced the missing items on Monday with a delivery I received yesterday and my neighbor Marie H held onto the package until today. The package on Monday was not even sealed and trying to talk to a representative at Amazon was difficult because, although she understood English, it was not an easy conversation to have. I hung up more confused, but my package will be here on Thursday at no extra cost. Why would Amazon send a package without sealing it in the first place is beyond  my  comprehension and imagination anyway! The second package did come sealed and to my door, and Jackie had to sign for it because it was asked for a signature. I think it was because Amazon wanted to make sure it was delivered properly this time. It made sense, though. Probably because it was a replacement to the product that did not make it on Monday. I also got two remote holders and retractable keychain to attach my always dropped tv remote, bed remote and lamp remote. No more dropping the remotes. Yay!

Not Feeling That Spry

I will be honest about how I am feeling right now. I am not feeling my best emotionally at the moment. I tried to send a text message to my friend Marge F. It came back telling me it was unable to be sent. I feel sick about it. Did I do something wrong? That is how I feel right now—sad. It is making me feel yucky inside. I am feeling c a little blah.

I know I didn’t do anything, but my mind and brain was thinking that I did do something wrong and Marge F doesn’t want to have contact with me. What if she did not keep the phone company she was with or got a new phone with a different number? That is possible for sure, too. Marge and Mr. Frank are elderly and not young anymore. I have yet not spoken to them since I have been back home for the past year. My friendship with them isn’t over but it is questionable at this time. Maybe it is for the best for me to go my own way now anyway. We may not have anything in common anymore. I rarely text Mrs. Merrick now-a-days as well. I have been busy again. No need to fret over a feeling only anyway.

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