Once again I am in need to vent some thoughts before I am eaten alive from the inside out and I get so sick. Sleep has been hard the past few days because of being frustrated and up in the air about a couple of things. I am up late and it is soon to be 1 a.m. Friday morning and I should have been in bed hours ago but like I said, sleep has been very difficult the past few days. I am one person who can do only so much and when I am pushed to do more than what I want to do, I get sick and so emotional and tired. Right now, as serious as it not sound to some people, I take my educational endeavors, religious studies, and looking for work very seriously. Going out to lunch with friends is not top priority to me every day of the week, and I have been, as it feels like it has anyway, pushed into going to lunch with LS and our friend MW. I have also been told that I am a hermit or don’t need to be one by LS more than once in the past few days, and I also feel that LS is trying to change me in some areas of life I do not want to change, and I am the one who has to change things. I even live in a building that does not have a whole lot of privacy because this building has limited insulation between the walls and floors. Honestly, where I live today, not everyone gets along so there are childish things going on around here I wish to avoid and stay away from. If I am a hermit, according to one person (LS), so be it and that is my choice. Once I get a job, I will be away from a lot of problems and will have no need to join certain activities that are here in the building. I even took the home phone off the hook and turned off my cell in order to have me time and not be bothered having the ringing of the phone constantly going. Honestly, I feel I have been stressed out more lately that I will sooner or later snap and bite very hard. I am also feeling that LS’s friendship is not a “true” friendship because she does not accept me for who I am entirely as well as the fact she brags constantly about things that drives me bananas. I am doing my best at accepting LS for who she is but I believe that a friendship is a two way street in my book. I had vented to someone today about some of my frustrations yesterday afternoon and it seemed to have helped somewhat but I am still feeling overwhelmed and troubled about my relationship with LS. True friends stick together and friends come and go, and I am still realizing who my true friends are. I have not spoken to a couple of friends for personal reasons and because of those personal reasons, I personally do not expect to have a strong frendship any longer with these two friends of mine. A phone call works two ways and because I have not gotten a call from these two friends, I do not bother to call them either. I am too busy to have negativity in my life these days anyway. I still question my relationship with LS for the same reason as to negativity playing a major role here. I am beginning to believe thatn my friendship with LS is not a true friendship. What can I do?
Due to the fact that I am up late and it is after 1 a.m. now, I will come back later today or this weekend and go from there as I feel I am not done venting yet. I am now getting very tired and I want to go to bed now anyway. My last paper is due Saturday and I have a little bit yet to write and prepare. I just want to continue doing my best in this class and continue getting good to excellent grades in order for me to get off academic probation. I am going to say good night and God bless now and come back later. Good night everyone…
