That Feeling Comes Again
I have invited CSE down to my place today to spend time with her so we are not alone this day before Christmas since CSE does not have any plans to be with her family this holiday – her family shunned her because she changed her name legally and have not spoken to her ever since her name was changed. I do not know why I bother getting myself hurt over and over again when it comes to CSE but I am the kindhearted person people say I am and I agree and disagree at the same time. I can be an ogre and a bitch sometimes, too – my very own advocate that is… anyway, that feeling comes again. I am reminded of how late she was when she was invited to me place Thanksgiving Day and she was 45 minutes to an hour late that day. I was disappointed and very hurt, and cried for a couple of days after she left that evening. She really made me feel angry and I wanted to jump up and slap her silly, and scream at her for being such a selfish bitch for hurting my feelings. Anyway, that old feeling comes again as I have invited her to my place and knowing she will be very late once more. It is like she does not have no sense of time or cares how others feel. When CSE was CKR, she was never like this, but now her being CSE, she is one very different person – sick in the head very much so and needs major help – declared incompetent because she is unable to take care of herself and her darn cat well. She does not care – truth – about anyone else but herself more now than she ever did when she was CKR. She is a major painful thorn in my side now. I still wish I never reconnected with her. She has become one very strange woman who I find incompetent and uncaring more of the time than ever before. I know for a darn fact she will be very late and have excuse after excuse that includes her damn cat and then she will tell me the truth hours later – can not tell the truth from the beginning. She has become a big liar now too. I do not trust her anymore.
What’s Wrong With People
My friend texting me “Merry Christmas” this morning – Christmas Eve Day – and I texted her back “same to you” and I got a text back, “lol, can’t say it, huh”, and I just about floored. Why do people think that I have to say the same thing to them because they said it? Sometimes I feel that my friend still find ways to start a major argument and fight a big fight over stupid things. Why do people read into my words in a text and point out my faults over and over again – accept me for who I am damn it! I still believe that my friend DOES NOT -accept me for who I am – not even partial in my book. Accept me for I am entirely or do not be my friend anymore is my way of thinking. I can do with some more people in my world – those who disappointment me all the time and those who do not accept me for I am entirely. I have become one person who can do without a lot of things now and does not mind having little contact with people. I trust no one anymore and the only being I do trust today is God first and foremost no doubt. He is the only being who has not forsaken me even though I have abandoned Him more than once in my little world. Not today though. So I find something wrong with my friend as well, too – unfortunate to be very honest here.
Harry Potter 7.2
The other day, with 7 hours left in the renting of the movie on my DVR box, I rent Harry Potter 7.2 once again – for the 4th time – and have watched it over and over again while rental is available – 48 hr rental. I decided, after watching an episode of Cannon on channel 967 METV, to watch Harry Potter 7.2 once again. I am actually re-reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows again since Harry Potter 7.1 came out earlier this year and then Harry Potter 7.2 came out this summer. I cannot seem to ge8t enough of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series. I am a huge fan, and so many people in my life disagree with the type of story the Harry Potter series is – witches, warlocks, witchcraft, and wizardry. I know many religions disagree with such genre. Yes, witchcraft, wizardry, and witches and warlocks do exist in the real world but many things exist in this world that shouldn’t already because of sin and in the book of Genesis states that Adam and Eve sinned by eating from the very tree God told them not to eat – Eve tempted first and she tempted Adam. I am a big fan of Harry Potter and that is going to remain that way no matter what other people think. I enjoy the stories and the way the author writes her books/stories…catchy and good…very good.
Have Started Already
I am not going to ever give up speaking my mind or telling like I see it – started not too long ago. I have become my very own advocate and have taken charge of things for a long time now, but starting today, I am going to continue being my own advocate and express my thoughts and feelings openly when necessary. I do want 2011 gone for good but I do have to wait for seven days for that for now. I am not going to allow hurt to be in by world if I can help it and that does include CSE and other friends. I have already decided, if CSE is very late today, I will let her know not to come down just to teach her that time does matter and she can no longer be late. Lateness is a pet peeve of mine and no one is going to be late when invited to my place. I have set myself up for being hurt over and over again when it comes to CSE and that is definitely one thing I HAVE to change now – not a resolution that is just going to be broken anyway. I NEED TO CHANGE HOW I MANAGE MY LIFE EMOTIONALLY FOR THE BETTER NOW! I cannot set myself up for failure over and over again – hurts too much. I NEED TO CHANGE NOW! Those New Year resolutions are broken all the time here.
Now
As time passes, I do feel better that I have yet again spoken my thoughts and feelings out into the open. I am watching and listening to Harry Potter 7.2 movie once again today and enjoying my morning here at home alone – knowing that I will be taking care of myself all day long once more and being alone all day until 7 pm because I am not going to allow CSE to be late coming here today – if she is going to be late, then she does not need to be coming at all – my decision and choice from now on. I will never set a time for CSE to visit anymore and from now on I will be asking her to come right down instead of giving a time frame knowing she will never comply to the set time anyway. I am going to enjoy my day with or without CSE no matter what goes on in my world from now on. Yay me!
