I Can’t Anymore

When a person will not help themselves no one can help that person without feeling hurt, confused, lost, worried, and/or frustrated.  This entry, once again is an entry of my observations of a good friend of mine I thought I knew since 1998 but have realized I really do not know her.  Any conversation I have had with certain friends regarding this dear friend will not recorded here for the fact I respect the privacy of those who I have spoken to.  I can no longer help a dear friend anymore because she will not help herself.

While my friend CSE moved back into the building where I have been living a couple of years ago I have see a decline in her that I cannot really explain.  The decline I have seen in her was scary and today I find it even scarier than when I first saw the decline.  To be very honest, I have found it very hard to have her in my life in the past year.  She has lost her place of living here over a year ago now because she has disregarded the rules in some way or another.  The rule that gets me the most to this day is the fact she got another cat when she was told she could not get another cat by the manager and got one anyway.  While she was staying at my place for a month, I thought I was enjoying her company and I did not want her to leave.  That is what I thought at first but when I had saw that she had kept her area in my apartment unkempt, I was beginning to feel a little annoyed at her housekeeping.  Her staying here was getting problematic for me emotionally,  I would retire to bed early in order to have space to myself.  I did not understand her very well at the time because I did not know that the decline I was seeing in her was going on before she had returned to the building to live,

This is one thing I will mention but a dear friend of CSE’s and mine had helped CSE get back here into the building from her previous living arrangement she had.  I thought that was pretty awesome and CSE and I could reconnect and become friends again.  I was excited at first but found that my friend was becoming one friend I did not understand.  I have shed many tears during the two years she lived at the building because I did not understand her.  One day, after an appointment, I had to tell CSE that she had to go back to her place.  What happened at that moment was scary and something I would prefer never to experience ever again!  When I told her she had to go back to her place, she started saying things that I did not appreciate her help and that I was not a friend to her, and she was saying this as she was stomping her feet on my floor, and throwing her things she brought down while she was staying here all over my apartment living room floor.  She had finally got everything out of here and her cat, and left to go upstairs to her own place.  I did not have her sleep over anymore nor have I had anyone sleep over since this has happened.

She has gotten help from people and later acted as if ungrateful for the help she had received when she moved out of here.  She had a new place to live but it came to the fact that the place became unlivable after a fire in the building leaving CSE homeless.  A good friend of hers has allowed her to come and stay with her for a short time but it has been over a year now and I have had a couple of meetings with this friend who has gotten frustrated with CSE herself.  It seems that CSE alienates anyone who comes into her path sooner or later but in my observation is it sooner than later.  I do not mean to sound cruel or anything but it has come to the point of being afraid of CSE because of her actions, her phone calls to come and visit when I have not invited her over or had made any plans to have her here.  If I even have her here, she will never leave and then I would have to call the police to have her removed.  I won’t go that route just by not having her over,

It is so frustrating now, not having friends sleep over, because things have changed so much in my world.  I do not even have company, outside of my IDS DSP’s and shower gals during the day/7 days a week, come into my apartment much anymore.  That has gone on to other things lately as sad as it sounds since a year ago.  If I do have company over, it is not an overnight stay anymore unless I have had surgery or procedure done that day and should not be alone for the night.  I just do not have the time or patience anymore.  I prefer, as silly as it may sound, to be left alone and communicate by phone, email, texting, and social media sites like Facebook, Twitter, and other…

About ksmiley

I feel I am back to journaling once again.
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