It Has Been A While
Alright gang, whether you are my friend on Dear Diary or a family member reading my thoughts of the day, it has been since May 1, 2024, I have written. That is a whomping 5 days since I last wrote. I was not taking a break from journaling, I just ended up not writing anything for five days. When I do not write in,y journal gives me time to think. I have a rough weekend even though I had company over Saturday afternoon during Sabbath hours with Ken andTanya, and Julie M visiting with me 😁👍🏻 It was an okay visit for sure, but was nervous having Julie M here, though. The last time she was here, I did not quite get the feeling of being included because they exited my bedroom more than once and held a conversation between Julie M, Jackie P, and Deb H, and I did not get much conversation with them. I had that outsider feeling all over again. This visit this Sabbath was pretty cool. My friendship with Julie M is still there, but I feel it will take more than this one visit to make it a good one. That Sunday visit was the worst I felt in a longtime, friends, and now I have to apologize to my dad. Why bother now? Now, having a nightmare about it has scared me.
Nightmare
I had a nightmare of my dad not accepting my apology because I took too long to apologize according to dad, so I ended up walking away from him for good because of his decision. With my days with depression and anxiety being what it can be, this nightmare has made it seem real that he will not be too accepting. Talking to my mom that I have yet to apologize to dad for speaking the truth about him, she replied saying, ‘enjoy the quiet while it lasts.’ Oh, how right she is gosh darn those socks! It has been quiet, but I am fearing that he will not accept my apology.
My Dad
My dad is a big jerk at times. His temper gets him in trouble and that same temper you don’t know how much of it I have myself. He does tell me that Ihave done this and that before, and Jackie now knows never to involve him into things that will anger him, that angers me, and mom found out Jackie called my dad to hurt me because I hurt her was a strike against Jackie. She was forewarned if she did, she will be history in my life according to my mom. My dad never accepted my disability we know as CP, nor has he understood my emotions when both parents have had a hand in my mental illness. Yes, my parents had a hand in my mental illness, and yes, I do blame them for it. My dad can be a jerk and jerks need to be left all alone at times of trouble. I have not heard from him for several days now—three weeks now.
If he DOES NOT accept my apology this time, he will be dead to me alive at 82. Or I will be dead to him.
Can’t Wait Anymore!
Waiting for Jackie to be back Thursday morning is looming in the air right now. Two more days for her to return home from a family emergency in Michigan. With her being gone, I have to say has been okay, but it is not the same with her gone. I miss her terribly at times when she is gone for a few days. It drives me mad!
