Kristi Karnopp's Diary & Blog

1

Yippee, May is gone, and June has FINALLY arrived. Woohoo! Now, for a Saturday evening I have been watching Chicago Med on Peacock on my fire TV in my bedroom. I feel wide awake this evening and my mind is having a hard time relaxing and not sleeping. Some thoughts are keeping me awake after 10 PM to be very honest with you and myself. It is going to be a long night and I want my sleep! Unfortunately, it will not come. Uugghh! Oh well, Jackie will be here in the morning and after she leaves, I can sit back and relax without taking a nap, Naps are good sometimes.

What is on My Mind?

The fact that my apology to my dad is on my mind. Certain thoughts are creeping in about it and the negative aspect of it is coming and going right now. It is definitely bothering me a lot. The negative aspect is that my dad will not accept my apology because I took too long to give him the apology and has walked away from me for the rest of his life. This thought frightens me so much that I am feeling a little nervous about doing it. I have not heard from him since he told Jackie he was not talking to me until I apologize for what I said even though I did speak the truth.

With that said I have been thinking about the ends times and I have texted Julie M my thoughts to her that I have something to say at another time. What did I say? I am beginning to understand about Bible Prophecy more today 1999. Telling her this is nothing but the truth as far as Bible has taught me about God’s plans in our lives, and what will happen. I know Jesus’ return is coming soon and I am living in the last days of this world. Am I scared? No, I am not. I am literally shaking in my boots and get goosebumps when I hear about prophecies being fulfilled about Jesus’s return to bring us back to him in the world He has created for us. I feel I have screwed up too many times that I get lost in the shuffle.

Geri Flood is Gone?!

I was in a weird mood right now. Why? A girl I’ve known since she was eight years old had died yesterday. She was a sister to a friend of mine. Her name was Geri and her sister was Kelly Wilson. How did I find out?  I got home from my appointment and Jackie told me there was a card on the table she signed our names in it and that I found out about Geri passing away. After lunch we went to visit Kelly for a while. We learned of the shirts being made for Geri’s funeral and we went to the bank to get $20 for a 3x for me. After getting back from the bank, we caught Kelly going to Jan’s place. Jan is her mother-in-law. Jimmy, Kelly’s husband passed away almost 3 years ago now or it may be 3 years now. I don’t remember 100%. Anyway, now Kelly is the only sibling alive in her family because her sister Kandy died a few weeks ago because of a heart attack. From what Kelly and Jan have been saying, Geri was murdered by someone Geri knew and he has fled the state. Geri has spoken to Jan days before she passed away that she was going to die. Hearing this from Kelly has put a thought in my mind that makes my skin get goose bumps everywhere all over body. Did Geri predict her death by knowing something bad was going to happen? Her daughter found her dead at home. Oh, my goodness gracious! Kelly and her mom are the only family left because Kelly’s dad died three to four years ago as well from heart problems. Oh, my goodness, Geri was murdered?! Oh no! Get the asshole who did this!

An Unexpected Outing

Well, Deb cleaned my glasses or attempted to to so and the plastic frames around the left lens cracked and the left eye lens popped out. I freaked out for a few seconds until I told Deb to call Jackie about taking my glasses to Shopko Optical and see what they could do for me. Yippee, we ended up riding the buses to and from Shopko Optical/Target Store, go to Cozumel Mexican Restaurant for tacos, and Movies 16 to watch a movie titled IF. It was an unexpected outing. Thanks for breaking glasses! I could not see to read for about 5 hours but by lunchtime and movie time, my glasses were temporarily fixed with tape, and a replacement pair has been ordered as well as an eye appointment was made in July. I will be seeing Dr. Shepherd again a year later. After leaving Shopko Optical, Jackie and Deb decided to walk to Pine Tree Plaza to Cozumel Mexican Restaurant and the movie. This meant, I would be driving to our destination using my power chair. Yippee!

It took us 25 to 30 minutes on foot (so-to-speak my power chair with me) we get to the restaurant and Jackie ordered hard and soft tacos with waters. I believe she had chicken tacos while I had beef tacos. My 🌮 were soft and Deb’s tacos were hard tacos. I do not care for hard shell tacos anymore. I do not like how the hard shells break easy while eating them these days. You get it. I only had two tacos. I wanted my movie theater popcorn and a box of candy for special movie time treat. I rarely go to the movies now-a-days at the prices they are now. Even renting a movie on Prime Video has gone up to $5 to $8.99! Lunch may have been small, but it was tasty and satisfying to my tummy and taste buds.

After lunch, we went to Movies 16 and got tickets for IF. We hemmed and hawed about the Garfield Movie, but I was persistent about the IF movie. We decided to stick with IF, and when the movie ended, I was glad we stuck with IF and NOT the Garfield Movie. Please do not get me wrong my friends, I do love Garfield, but I did not see the previews from the movie and was not interested in Garfield this time. IF was the movie I wanted to see.

 The Movie IF

At the end of the movie, I was glad we did not see the Garfield Movie today. IF standing for Imaginary Friend(s) was about a girl growing up drawing pictures of her family and her IF being a clown who made children smile handing them a balloon of an animal or flower. Her IF was named Cal. He was played by Ryan Reynolds. There was an IF of a girl butterfly named Blossom, and purple monster named Blue, and Blue was Steve Carell’s voice, and Lewis the teddy bear was voiced by Louis Gossett Jr. The 12-year-old girl Bea was played by Cailey Fleming and her grandmother was played by Fiona Shaw who played Harry Potter’s Aunt in Harry Potter movies 1-8. Even though Rotten Tomatoes gave the film an 88% rating, it is a must see and you can be either enlightened or disappointed like with the film Emma Watson was in after playing Hermione Grainger on the Harry Potter series movies 1-8. Although I did not know Cailey Fleming well until seeing her in the IF movie, I have to admit that I liked her in the movie—for sure!  I know Little One, the little girl inside me loved the movie! Because of her age being in the single digits to this day has indeed approved a wonderful movie in my eyes.

With IF meaning Imaginary Friend(s), I watched it from beginning to the end and loved it from top to the bottom without fail. I loved the movie from beginning to the end believe it or not. Most, little One inside me, my little girl, loved it! She still has her imaginary friends we can now call IF. I just don’t know what her IF is, though. It’s a secret.

After the Movie

Our outing had ended once we got on the Milton Ave bus to the bus depot and got on West Court bus to Garden Court that is my home for now. By the time we got to the bus stop by Home Depot, it began to rain very hard so I was out in the rain for a couple of minutes before entering Garden Court’s front entrance that DOES NOT have it set up for handicapped people. In “fact, Garden Court has a lot of problems and as soon as I can, I am leaving c Garden Court to move to Riverview Heights.

Now Home

Home from our unexpected outing and now in bed. I have been in my power chair from 9 AM to 5:30 PM. It was a long but productive day, and I did have some fun after all!

Homework For Counseling Session 

Oh, no, my gracious, how in the world is this going to go. When it comes to writing my feelings, I find myself in stressful situat=\ 

]ions where I cannot write my feelings at the time. Giving time after the situation has become a memory is when I can write my feelings out best. Writing my negative feelings that are right then will become fuck this, fuck that, and fuck you IS NOT the right time to write my feelings. I need to simmer down from my anger and give it a few hours before writing my feelings in words in a written document. When I have had time to think about my situation and the feelings I have dealt with that were negative, I, then, can write my feelings I have experienced in the days. Writing my feelings IS NOT an easy task, unfortunately. My counselor Deb J wants me to write about how my feelings are when my dad brings up something negative from the past. Now, please remember that I have to apologize to my dad yet, and Jackie has come up with an idea about my apology. Will talk about that soon, ok? Anyway,I have two weeks since May 23^rd to do this assignment for Deb J. I know several people with the name Deb, Julie, and Jackie now, LOL!! I am, for the first time in a long time, I am not looking forward to writing my feelings. Uugghh! 

My Weekends 

I look forward to the weekend finally being here. Every other weekend my boyfriend and his mom come to visit after church Saturday afternoon during Sabbath hours. I enjoy their visits. Anyway, this weekend I just have cares for a couple of hours in the morning, and depending on it being Jackie or Deb on Saturday and Sunday, my caregivers make sure I do get to the bathroom and back to my bedroom. I relax on the weekends lying on my bed on the weekend days we call Saturday and Sunday. I watch TV, read, and get to my journaling. Yeah, I know I haven’t written for several days since May 14, 2024. I was dealing with some raw emotions lately no thanks to my parents and family members these days. 

Now with the weekend is here today, May 25, 2024, I can concentrate on what needs to be done. 

May 23^rd, 2024, Appointments  

A few days have passed now since I last wrote in my diary/blog. I have had another counseling appointment yesterday on May 23^rd as well as a med check with Joeylynn at Mercy Options at 10 AM. Then I had my appointment with Deb J at Mercy Options at 11 am. It was two hours of my day I cannot get back — seriously. Deb wants me to write a letter to my dad for our next counseling session in two weeks. My writing of feelings DO NOT come easily in my life, and yet, I still need to apologize to Dad even though I did speak the truth to my dad who always gets angry with me and brings up my negative happenings that make me so moody and it hurts me by breaking my heart. Holy cats, how in the world am I going to come up with my words now?! Oh no, it’s not an easy project! Do not get me wrong about writing, though… I love to write, but when my feelings are neutral and worry-free, writing my feelings is NOT easy whatsoever… 

As for my medication is concerned, my primary doctor Dr. Christopher Taylor has changed my Prozac dosage of 10 mg to 20 mg in the morning, and Mercy Options has it updated in my records with Joeylynn and Deb J. I know several people with the name Deb, Julie, and Jackie in my life through the years. 

Dialysis Update 

I will not argue on how dialysis has been going these days. I am between 195-205 pounds depending on my fluid and sodium intake is per non-dialysis days. In the winter months in Garden Court was not easy because heat rises, and I am on the third floor. I feel for the tenants who live on floors 4-7 because heat rises and being on the 3^rd floor, it gets dry up here in winter. I rarely turn the heat up or on in my place. I am NOT drinking enough although I can only drink 34 ounces of water in a day. I guess I can drink a little more, so I do not get dehydrated. I think I am dehydrated because when the dialysis machine is cleaning my blood it is also pulling out fluid and toxins. I suck on ice cubes as well and drink juices and an occasional 7Up or Sprite. The juice I love to drink is cranberry juice with a flavor like raspberry or blueberry, or apple. 

What I Thought this Week… 

I thought I had a UTI, but today I realized it is not a UTI. My area was a little dirty from bowel mess towards the front. With Deb washing my hair and giving me my Friday bath, I am now clean in back and front, and it feels better. Even with kidney disease, my bladder can cease to function properly at times, and I have been dealing with some stress these days and weeks. I will be okay. My urine is clear yellow. Sometimes I get poop in the front. No UTI after all. My urine is clean. 

Counseling Appointment with Deb J

Today was a remarkably busy from 11 to 3 PM. At 11 AM, I had my counseling session with Deb J at Mercy Options. This company deals with mental illnesses and are serious about finding the underlying cause of the problem to depression and anxiety. We looked at my 3-month mark of anxiety and depression and discussed the importance of my mental illness nor being my fault as I have had trauma in my life from age 12 and onward. I have a dad who does not understand my disability and emotional state currently. He has never understood my emotions from childhood and teenage years and worse in my adult years. Jackie wants my dad to stew about waiting for my apology when I DO NOT need to apologize when I was speaking truth about him talking about my past wrongs in my life.

Nails

With the weather being a little rainy at first, my afternoon at 2 PM was getting my nails done at Cat’s Meoww with Jacque. She has been doing my nails for a while now at her workplace and business. I decided to do a simple color changing one. White turns pink when cooler. That color was on me last time as well on my right hand and ring finger on the left hand. I did like the colors on my nails last time, but not on the way they were last time. I will not do those colors again like that. It stopped raining and the afternoon was nice for the rest of the day.

Lunch at Citrus Café

Before my nail appointment, Jackie and I walked to Citrus Café for a bite to eat. She had two fried eggs, toast, and fruit while I had a steak fajita omelette and hash browns, and sour dough toast. It was delicious but I ended up taking some of my breakfast home. After lunch, we walked to my nail appointment and then got home before 3 PM and started watching Baywatch with David Hasselhoff.

At Home

Now home and relaxing now. It was a busy day.

Mother’s Day is here!

Welcome to Mother’s Day! I can’t believe I am a mom to two kitties. They are my adopted babies from RCHS In 2020 and recently 2023. My babies are Millie and Magic. Magic is 4 years old and Millie is 10 months old this month. My babies are wonderful creatures God has allowed me to have.

The Waiting Game

Even though it is Mother’s Day today, I have been worried for a while about hearing from my dad’s wife, but I did. I have yet to write an apology to my dad I am sorry note yet and he’s yet not talking to me. He told Jackie he was not going to talk to me until I apologize to him. I asked Jackie how long will it be before I do, and she said we will let him stew a bit longer. I was not sure if his wife would respond to my Happy Mother’s Day text or not, but she did so that was a + in my direction. Now, I wonder if she knows that dad is awaiting an apology from me or is she oblivious to his so-called nature. I could careless right now although I will apologize even though I have spoken the truth to my dad in March when I had been mean to Jackie that one day dad heard about what he calls abusive. My dad can be a big asshole sometimes. This morning, seriously, was the first time I thought of him only having his wife and my sister in his life because he stopped talking to his children from his first marriage. That utterly scared me this morning. I think my dad is being an idiot right now. Okay, I will wait to apologize a little longer.

My Weekend—Midsomer Murders TV Series

With a two-day break from dialysis, I have to admit that my Saturday was reading and watching Midsomer Murders TV series with John Nettles, Daniel Casey, Neil Dudgeon and other guests. I really like Tom and John Barnaby, Gavin Troy, Nelson, and Jones. Now, with Jackie here, over shows are watched. Today we watched a couple of episodes of Chicago Med with S. Apathy Merkenson. She was my favorite person in Law & Order. Now on Chicago Med, she is head nurse at the hospital in Chicago. I like the fact that her name is Sharon on that show. Her S in her name is Sharon.

Cares

I have Deb coming in a little while to do some cares with me. I have to use the bathroom when she gets here or at least get bottom wiped out and new pair of undies put on.

More later…

Well, Jackie P is back from Michigan and today we have a busy day! Jackie, Marie H, and I are getting our hair colored today! I have decided to go with a lighter blonde hair with pink, purple, and blue fun colors. See picture in Hair post. It took 3 hours to do for me at $100 later at the beauty school on Center Avenue in Janesville, Wisconsin. The girls Katie and Maddie did a fantastic job! I ❤️ it! I was kind of shocked that my mom was a little nerved about the colors, but that is ok because my mom’s opinion does matter to some degree, but it is ok that she is indifferent about my choices once in a while. Once I write an apology to my dad, I will share my hair colors with him and Sandy later. At least Julie M and Jackie said I was beautiful … that matters a lot to me. More accepting than my mom’s opinion. I am nor disappointed in my mom’s opinion, … it could have turned out BAD, lol.

Well, my hair is not exactly lighter blonde than it was before 11 am. I have four colors in my hair, lol. Lighter blonde and pink, purple, and blue. My favorite colors and I ❤️ it! My caregiver Deb said Wow, Julie and Jackie said beautiful, my friend Marie H said cool, and my mom said different bud ok. All right, not everyone liked my hair, but I ❤️ my hair colors and how it turned out in my hair! That is all that matters to me, right? Right, Kristi!

It Has Been A While

Alright gang, whether you are my friend on Dear Diary or a family member reading my thoughts of the day, it has been since May 1, 2024, I have written. That is a whomping 5 days since I last wrote. I was not taking a break from journaling, I just ended up not writing anything for five days. When I do not write in,y journal gives me time to think. I have a rough weekend even though I had company over Saturday afternoon during Sabbath hours with Ken andTanya, and Julie M visiting with me 😁👍🏻 It was an okay visit for sure, but was nervous having Julie M here, though. The last time she was here, I did not quite get the feeling of being included because they exited my bedroom more than once and held a conversation between Julie M, Jackie P, and Deb H, and I did not get much conversation with them. I had that outsider feeling all over again. This visit this Sabbath was pretty cool. My friendship with Julie M is still there, but I feel it will take more than this one visit to make it a good one. That Sunday visit was the worst I felt in a longtime, friends, and now I have to apologize to my dad. Why bother now? Now, having a nightmare about it has scared me.

Nightmare

I had a nightmare of my dad not accepting my apology because I took too long to apologize according to dad, so I ended up walking away from him for good because of his decision. With my days with depression and anxiety being what it can be, this nightmare has made it seem real that he will not be too accepting. Talking to my mom that I have yet to apologize to dad for speaking the truth about him, she replied saying, ‘enjoy the quiet while it lasts.’ Oh, how right she is gosh darn those socks! It has been quiet, but I am fearing that he will not accept my apology.

My Dad

My dad is a big jerk at times. His temper gets him in trouble and that same temper you don’t know how much of it I have myself. He does tell me that Ihave done this and that before, and Jackie now knows never to involve him into things that will anger him, that angers me, and mom found out Jackie called my dad to hurt me because I hurt her was a strike against Jackie. She was forewarned if she did, she will be history in my life according to my mom. My dad never accepted my disability we know as CP, nor has he understood my emotions when both parents have had a hand in my mental illness. Yes, my parents had a hand in my mental illness, and yes, I do blame them for it. My dad can be a jerk and jerks need to be left all alone at times of trouble. I have not heard from him for several days now—three weeks now.

If he DOES NOT accept my apology this time, he will be dead to me alive at 82. Or I will be dead to him.

Can’t Wait Anymore!

Waiting for Jackie to be back Thursday morning is looming in the air right now. Two more days for her to return home from a family emergency in Michigan. With her being gone, I have to say has been okay, but it is not the same with her gone. I miss her terribly at times when she is gone for a few days. It drives me mad!