My day has been very busy here, but doing great. Had the day to myself all day long and have been on and off my computer cleaning it up and adding and deleting. What a day!
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My Day
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The Day To Myself Today!
Ahhh, a day to myself. Rick will be doing errands (on foot) and I am not going to have company today. I did have a visitor for a few minutes this morning bu she left within minutes. I felt very uncomfortable having her here for some reason. I do not know if it is because she hangs around the wrong crowd and that she is playing spy or acting as a pawn…I do not know really. Just that vibe came and that vibe was uncomfortable. I am going to ignore all visitors today unless it is the manager. I am going to only answer the phone to specific people and that is all. I am going to be picky today…as this is the day for me all day long today.
11:19 a.m.
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8/18/03
I am sitting at my computer just writing. I have the place to myself as I sent Rick home shortly before 5 p.m. so he could catch the bus at 5 p.m.. I just needed some time to myself. I think that he does respect my need of time alone without him but I can n0t be too sure at the moment. He loves me and I love him and we do need time apart from each other as well.
Thouught at the Moment
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My Thoughts at the Moment:12:30 p.m.
I have been thinking that Rick is becoming a smotherer, a man who wants to sped whhatever time he has outside his time with me. I am beginning to feel smothered and I want my space more so than ever. I am even unsure about writing anything down here while he is here because he always comes over and kisses the top of my head. I do not knoow if he is ever reading anything I have written here since we met while I am writing here. I feel somewhat violated and to the point that I have to do things behind his back?? That is a question that has surfaced on my mind lately and pretty much all of a sudden too. What do I need to do to get my space away from him? Arrg!
Could It Be?
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Having Time For Myself and Venting at the Moment
No Rick…no boyfriend right now. In fact, after church and being dropped off, I have had the day all to myself, I took a two hour nap and awakened to darkness (really a cloudiness) and finding that we are on the watch for a thunderstorm. YUCK! but most importantly I had the afternoon and evening here to myself with my boyfriend. I have not yet found the courage to tell Rick that he does not need to be with me every second of the day. Rick is 35 years old and sometimes he acts like a child and is not always serious…in fact he thinks things that are not funny are funny most of the time. I feel that he is like my stepfather in so many ways but yet my stepfather is serious. Rick needs to grow up! He can be annoying to the point that we had our first boyfriend/girlfriend spat the other day. I still do not know what to think or feel entirely after this first spat though. HE BETTER NOT CONTROL ME OR HE’s OUT FOR GOOD NO DOUBT. If I have to call the police because he does not get it or listen, I will…BELIEVE ME! He is a boy in a man’s body who needs to grow up, that’s for sure! For How Long? Yesterday I learned that one of my friends is going out of town for a while and my heart is aching slightly. The feeling of separation and abandonment is creeping in and I know it is Satan trying to gain control of me and make me unhappy. I know in my heart that this friend needs to get well and out of her depression in order to be happy. I want her to be well even if she has to someday move away and start a new life. How long will my friend be out of town? I need prayers right now. Being separated and the feeling of abandonment is one of my issues. I should have expected this to happen as it always does later in life!
Having Time For Self
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Friday’s Thoughts
I just realized that when diarists commented on yesterday’s entry, I found that I had somehow got the same entry twice. I hate that but what can I do other than delete the duplicate files? Nothing I guess. Why sweat the small stuff, right? Depression Is No Fun I am not suffering from depression like I was weeks ago but I do have to admit that I am a little blue tonight. I have a dear friend who is suffering from depression and she is feeling really down about living where she is living right now. The thought of leaving to get well is not the problem but what tugs at this heart is the biggest question…”will I see her again?” I feel that a part of my life has been taken out and stomped on. RAC/JAC: Working Out Today is the second Friday I have worked out at the RAC and really enjoyed the workout. It does not just give me a time of strengthening and the exercise I need and really want to lose the weight I want to lose. It also gives me persoonal time away from my boyfriend and life beyond the apartment complex I live in. I really enjoy working out! Today marks the second week of my membership at RAC. YEAH… I do have to admit one thing, though…I debated on going this morning when I woke up but I defeated the debate and went to JAC to workout anyway. I was not going to lose the feeling of feeling good. No Way! Good Night Time to say good night once again…later.
Duplicates!
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I Have A Lot To Say Tonight
Have any of you been reading about the blaster Worm that can come through you server and affect vulnerable computers? Well, my ISP, which is SBC (formerly known as Ameritech) was hit by that worm and it affected a lot of vulnerable computers – one of them being mine. The worm is called Lovesan and it affected many people as it will not allow you to get online and if you did, it would only be a few minutes. My stepfather was called yesterday, and we spent two hours over the phone and we got it taken care of the worm and made sure that my computer had the latest updates and made sure that my antivirus prgram was updated as well..noticing that it was need of updating the day my stepfather and I took care of the problem. As you can probably figure out, I was pretty upset and I immediately called my stepfather in regards to the computer problem and both of us took care of it in time. I had told my boyfriend Rick about it and he told me that I was over reacting and other junk like that. Did I not have a right to be upset? Yes I did and my stepfather understood and found what was happening by reviewing the net on the latest viruses and worms. I think, even more so now, that I was very frustrated because it affected my computer so it would not surf the net but for five minutes! First Spat RIck and I had our first spat yesterday. Jealousy I am not sure of a lot of things right now regarding my boyfriend Rick, but he is coming across as the jealous type all of a sudden. He is sending up red flags in my mind and our relationship and he has been acting funny since he met my parents who visited last week for a quick lunch and to see each other. He came across to my parents as a likeable person and everything? Is he beginning to show his true colors now? Is jealousy involved? My Doctor’s Appointment Every year, because I am a kidney transplant recipient, I see a doctor who takes good care of me. The appointment went well today. The only thing about the appointment that I had a question about was being put on Lipitor due to high cholesterol. I was, until the doctor explained to me, afraid of taking such a pill but I have known of the pill’s good effects and what it does…brings down the “bad” cholesterol. I am glad that I got another year, and another month, out of my way regarding my transplanted kidney of fifteen years. I get my lab work done every month (12 times a year). Glad to be home and going to be sleeping in my bed. Thinking of School Again Ok…I have to admit that I am psyched about starting school a week from Monday. YEAH! center>Sleeping in Bed Again! I have vowed that this week I would begin sleeping in my bedroom again and the last couple of nights I have been and I have noticed that I have been sleeping well and feeling good and not tired when I wake up. I have not been restless at night apparently. A good thing indeed. YEAH! Good thing really…I start school August 25th! Good Night and God Bless I am going to say good night. Getting tired here. Good night and God Bless you all.
Tuesday Afternoon
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I wish I could tell you what happened today but it is late and I am tired. I had an exhausting day and I will tell you why tomorrow. Bye for now. Sorry this is so sh0rt.
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This Computer of Mine!
Today my computer is not being coorperative! It was acting up and I had to shut
down three times. It seems to be working just fine now. It can be frustrating…did I use the right color to show the frustration at the moment, lol. So far so good.
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Entry 1
I do not know what is up with Rick today. He seems quiet and closed up. Later tonight when I get home from dinner and running about, I will write more about this…
It is one of those days. It is cloudy and gray outdoors but not raining. According to the weather, it is not going to rain but I will not put it past the weather anymore. I am having one of those days where it is just “blah” “blah” “blah”. Sometimes I wonder about people’s attitude especially when it comes to troublemakers that live here. Rick and I encountered with one of them and I can tell you one thing…I did not feel like saying hello too loudly, lol. The troublemakers here are idiots I tell you. Do they know what is coming for them? Nope…no way!
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