Why Disgust

I do understand that my mom and stepfather are happy together but the happiness I see my mother in seems to be fake to me. Why am I disgusted? Well, I have an off and on loving relationship with my stepfather and it is driving me crazy. We can get along if it is his terms it seems. Why is my mom happy with him? Can’t she see through him? He can be a jerk at times. I get e-mails from my stepfather at times that are not of any interest to me or my lifestyle. I am a person who hates to get pictures that have a sexual intent or are even dirty or fairly dirty. My stepfather still sends them to me now and then and I am not interested in those kind of e-mails. My mom knows not to send sexual or dirty pictures to my e-mail boxes no matter how cute they may be. That is why I am disgusted. He hasn’t stopped yet. My stepfather craves and loves dirty pictures. I am a believer in Christ but it does not mean that is why I don’t like dirty pictures or anything fairly close to dirty and not so cute. I have a heart that cares about the clean things of life more than the dirty things of life. I wish my stepfather would give it up sending me dirty pictures. I am not interested and if I told him to do so, it might get worse or he will be snickering under his breath about my dislike of dirty pictures. I think my stepfather has a very dirty mind sometimes…okay most of the time!

Another thing I have noticed between us, is talking about religion or beliefs. When I visited my parents in NM for the first time since they moved there from Wisconsin, my stepfather and I got into a discussion abou God and he immediately found a way to down God immediately as well as my feelings towards the creator I know is really and truly here watching over us. How he downed my feelings, was he had gotten online and found a few pages of someone’s writing about God and my stepfather had read the pages to me making me feel real dumb and stupid, I literally went to bed in tears that evening. If my parents heard my sobs from my room that night, they never said a word to me, and if they did, who cares now. This happened two years ago.

Why do I have this love hate relationship with my stepfather? I can say this, that I like to be kind to people no matter if they can be jerks at times I suppose. Now that I sit here rehashing some things, I do have to say I am GLAD not to be in a relationship now and I plan to not be in another relationship again unless God wants me to be in a relationship again. I am done looking myself at this time.

What I have just written here was a piece of my private/personal life that I have yet not shared with anyone but my closest friends and adoptive Mom. Now I have shared my private life here for the whole world to see. It is getting harder and harder for me to hold in my lfe – private and personal or not. I have been reading some real good journal entries here for the past two years now as well as write my own entries now and then on a regular basis. Many diarists have shared their most innermost thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I do get it to why people have troubles with other people as far as what they write but there always going to be a controvesry to face no matter where you go in life. We don’t always live life from a day to day basis in a very cheery state of mind do we? We have to count our blessings when things don’t seem right all the time, and be grateful for the goodness in life. I may not like my stepfather from time to time but he is married to my mom and I have no choice but to let their life alone.