Time to Write My Thoughts

I do have to admit that I do not know how long this entry is going to be since I do have a lot of thought to write before retiring to bed for the night. So much thought is swirling in my head right now and has been since I had awakened to get ready for my day. In fact, one of the things that have crossed my mind since I have been home was the fact that a friend of mine told me that Rick did not show up to church this morning. I really do not know if his ride was able to go so I do not know why Rick did not show up to church this morning. I attended the church in town todaay instead of Milton and had a great morning and afternoon. I was on fire since I attended church and wished Sabbath did not end when sundown rolled around. When Rick did not attend Milton this morning, I was happy at the same time as disappointed because of his immature attitude that is still going back and forth on my mind even to this moment of writing this entry. Rick has been nothing but a total jerk and creep anyway and his attendance to the Milton church should not bother me. I could care less in the mind of an ex-girlfriend still dealing with raw emotions iif Rick ever attends church again after this weekend anyway, but the Christian in me wishes that he finds the truth and God and turns around. I will, for sure, never go back out with Rick even if he does change his attitude and his ways of life that drove me away in the first place. Another thought came to me regarding Rick sometime today about our now over relationship. I have been dealing with some anger and sadness over the break up because to me a relationship is like a divorce even though marriage is not in my life now. I have been grieving and feeling terribly hurt by Rick’s attitude and behavior even after three long weeks. My emotions have come up to the surface and my friends I care deeply about have heard things come out of my mouth that have been hurtful or questioned. I almost lost my friendship with my friends Kelly and Jimmy over some accidental hurtful things. I have realized that this morning that the emotions I have pent up inside since I have had trouble with Rick and my relatinship have surfaced and there were words coming out of my mouth that Rick would say — not the Kristi my friends know well. I do not blame Rick for the entire mess as it is my fault as well because I allowed Rick to control me to some degree. I finally had enough almost three weeks ago and got rid of Rick by telling him that it was over even though two days later he thought I was not serious when I was very serious. I could NOT have Rick controlling me anymore or have such a man like that in my life. I am so glad that I have realized what kind of man Rick really is now before our relationship got more serious. Now knowing what kind of man Rick is and what a man does in a controlling state, I am glad that marriage was not in the works or I would be totally without friends and family. I have never seen Rick so jealous in my life until two days before I broke it off with Rick.

Today I attended the Janesville SDA church instead of the Milton church because I wanted to have a change of scenery and a change of pace. Anyway, my wants to attend Milton SDA church is no more and I want attend the Janesville SDA church from this day forward as far as church goes from now on. Anyway, with Rick and I broken up, attending the Miltong church will make me feel awkward and strange inside my stomach. Anyway, another member of the church of Milton has really bothered my feelings and my attendance at that very church will never happen. I do not do well with conflict like other people with anxiety and depression disorders. I am still angry with Rick to some degree since I am still grieving over the horriblle relationship.

Even though I am still talking about Rick and my relationship that is no more, I do have to admit that my world without Rick is so much nicer and fresher. I can breathe again and concentrate on school and my personal life more and not worry about him contacting me by my cell phone or at my home phone. There is something that is laughabe but if you do not find what I am going to say next, that is ok with me. Thursday, I was going to my friend Kelly’s house for the afternoon and early evening when I had learned that Rick had called Kelly’s house in regards to a book that was left behind some time back he wanted back. It kind of upset Kelly not knowing that at the moment that the book Rick wanted back was still at the apartment. She had thought she had returned it back to Rick one day. It did not please me either when Rick’s book was found at Kelly’s because I had to see Rick for a few seconds. My stomach began to ache and I felt uncomfortable but facing Rick for a few seconds was a big and better thing for me to do. when Rick came over to pick up his book, he gave me a dirty look and said thank you to Kelly and turned to leave the apartment abruptly. At the same time, I was on the telephone talking to a friend of Kelly’s and mine so I did not have to even look at an ugly face looking ugly at me, lol. I had learned that afternoon what Rick’s real feelings were about me and they were feelings of hatred and vengeful actions he has been trying to do for days now. I am personally not sure if the book Rick wanted back was actually left behind on purpose when Kelly had given Rick the book back one afternoon and it was Rick’s rotten plan or Kelly forgot that she had it. She does not remember and if she did not tell me why she still had it because of my feelings were to be kept safe and secure. Rick proved to me that he is a jerk and nothing more than a mere boy needing to grow up. I still do not know what to think and that really stinks right now, LOL

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Tonight’s entry was very long compared to other entries I have written this week. I know I have been repeating myself a lot lately but I have been deeply hurt and needed to get rid of the hurt before it got worse even if it meant getting rid of Rick and getting my entire life back. I have felt good being single and not dating once again. As far as dating is concerned, I will not be dating for a long time. I am going to put my school and life ahead before dating again. I am, even though bouncing back and forth about the sour relationship gone away now, very happy and glad to have my life back. I know I keep repeating myself. Soon I wil be over Rick completely and I am will be glad. My emotions are still very raw and I have my feelings on check with a couple of people I care deeply about and they are now up north living. Where has my world gone to lately? It is bouncy right now, lol

It is almost midnight here in Wisconsin and I have been on line for over ten hours today. I have never disconnected from the internet since I have been home from church and resting. I think I will have to come back tomorrow and do some more writing and I do promise myself that it will not be about the relationship gone bad and no more dating thing. I am going to say good night and God bless.