A Moment of Reflection

I do not know long this entry is going to be so prepared for it being short or real long, ok? Here it goes…

Not much has happened since my last entry, but that’s okay, I guess. It is kind of a lazy day for me all day long, and now it is evening and bedtime is soon looming in mind. I am intending on attending church tomorrow no matter what it takes to get me up to get ready to go, and I am planning on getting up around 8:15 a.m. to get myself going and dressed for the morning and early afternoon. Anyway, I am excited about attending church since I have not attended in three weeks or so — actually not remembering when the last time I really attended, seriously. Was it a month ago? Who knows other than God. I am having a very fuzzy moment about this one question, seriously.

Well, a little bit ago I have been watching television and reading the book “Blue Dahlia” by Nora Roberts. I cannot put the book down, and I was having this serious thought in my mind wondering why I am having trouble with putting this story down when it reality, I do not have the same problem when reading the Bible. Does this mean I am a weak Christian or I have some conviction in my life? I have no idea, honestly, no idea whatsoever, just thoughts and wonders.

As I sit here and think even a little bit harder about things, I have been doing a lot of reflecting since December 21st and what I have been reflecting about is the idea of having my own space and having my own time all to myself without someone being here every night from 4 to 7 p.m. and the idea of having this particular someone back into my space like that again is not going to ever happen again. I am no longer friends with this particular someone anymore and my intentions of being friends with her is definitely a “no” from December 21st, 2007 on to today, tomorrow, and the nearest future. I have three weeks left of college and then I am completely done with my college endeavors, so after that big step in my life, I am going to work on the next step which is getting a job, get money established, and I am leaving the apartment complex behind with the memory of December 21st inside, and leaving some very painful memories behind from December 21, 2007 – present day behind. Does that mean I am running away from my problems like I feel my mom has done all of her life? I certainly hope not!! The drama in this building has become a part of me — not just because I helped created some of it…honestly, I did, and I am going to be very honest that I do admit that I enjoyed being a part of the drama at one point — one serious point. Not anymore, though. I have been staying out of the drama that has been going on here by keeping my nose very clean. I am yet not totally recovered from what happened to me — the so-called victim of serious bruising more so than the girl attacked me and I had to defend myself. What has conspired since then has made me realize that leaving this place I still live in is a must one day and leave the stuff that happened to me behind right here inside while I am one day out of the building for good in a new place…a place I can call my own once again. Living here has become not my own anymore. Seriously.

I have been a little spooked since Tuesday night’s dream about my first cat, Emilee, and the dream seemed so real that when I had awakened from the dream, I had to sit up and let me heart stop racing before I could get up and turn on a light to go see if Emilee was not on the bed where I was asleep, in the kitchen, or in the bathroom laying in her favorite spot in the bathtub. After finding Emilee not in my apartment, I checked on Bing who was sleeping on the floor by the bed watching me and probably thinking I was crazy. I had turned off the kitchen light and turned on the hallway light for the rest of the night, hopping back into bed staring at the ceiling for a couple of minutes and looking at the wall with Emilee’s tin box of ashes on her memorial spot which is a little shelf of her tin box of ashes, a couple of pictures, her last collar she ever wore, and one of her favorite toys, and a condolence card from the veterinarian who helped me put Emilee down that final day. Yes, Emilee is gone, and she has been gone since November 2006, so when this cat, which was Emilee, was huffing and hissing, and jumped down off the bed while I ran to take cover in the bathroom, and slammed the door, making Bing hit hard on the door and had slid from the hallway to the kitchen because of the force of my slamming the door was so great, and Emilee, still huffing and hissing, came right through the door like a ghost, when several minutes earlier I was touching her and feeling her but the texture of her body was different from how I remembered feeling her. Also, Bing’s behavior in the dream, was out of the ordinary with him huffing and hissing and trying to corner me into a corner right along with Emilee. The dream I had, was on Tuesday, 1/29/08, and I have been spooked by it ever since trying to analyze the dream and make sense of it. Do we have the ability to analyze all of our dreams? Probably not, but I am doing my best to analyze this one. Anyway, with this dream spooking me out a bit, I believe Bing knows and does not understand. The parts of the dream I can analyze clearly right now is the fact that Bing was in the dream, right along with Emilee, and that I knew that Emilee’s presence was not right in the dream, and I was already not feeling right when I felt Emilee while petting her, and the fact that she could go through a closed bathroom door like a ghostly figure, and that Bing’s behavior is not huffing or hissing but a kind nature that loves other people, animals of the canine and feline variety, and that Bing is very cuddly and lovable in all aspects of the stick where Emilee was not very friendly to others and did huff and hiss, and knew who I was to her. But what I doing my best at doing is wondering why I dreamt a dream like that in the first place. Has Emilee been strong on my mind lately? With that … I am leaving it at that at the moment.

Reflecting on more stuff that has been thought of, I feel that I have been a lot more thinking about my safety, my space, my time, and my place more lately than I have ever done before the attack on December 21, 2007. This attack that happened in my home compromised a lot of my space so now I am and have been careful of who is in it when I am in my own place with the door locked and I am secure in my own place. I have been taking calls less from some people but before I do not take any calls, I let people know that I am taking limited calls, and that my phone line is being used (online 56K modem being used more often so I do not have to take any phone calls and my callers will have a busy signal when they do call. Today is one of those days that I am using my DSL modem so I do not have my phone line tied up, anyway, my cell phone has my home phone forward to it anyway, and I am taking limited calls all weekend long, seriously. The girl who attacked me we have been civil and kind to each other and she has helped me out outside my apartment, and being civil with her is different from being friends with her in my book, and we she does come up here to talk to me, we talk in the hallway instead of her coming into my home sitting in my recliner or desk chair chatting with her, and with us talking out in the hallway, our voices echo in the hallway and it is a public place and not in my space, my home, my comfort zone. This girl is more unlikely to attack me again in a public place but if she does, I can defend myself and scream for help for other tenants to hear, and then any tenant can hear both of us. I was told that if I ever was attacked by anyone ever again it should be a public area instead of inside of my apartment for personal reasons. Yes, the experience was upsetting and very unforgettable, but forgiveness has taken place and its hold. So I have been doing a lot of serious thinking to better my safety, my health, and my space, and I have taken some very serious ground rules and acting on them without backing down and opening the door to lower my guard. Lowering my guard is not going to ever happen again. Anyway, enough of that, right? What happened in December is in the past, and I am going to do my best to drop it here now. I have other pressing things to worry about, especially the next three weeks of my studentship. Anyway, something else has been thought of the past few hours now.

Yesterday I had written a very pressing email to my mother who lives in Arizona and I have a feeling that what I have written, she will not be very supportive, and again, when has my own mother been supportive of anything I have set my dreams or goals high for? Not much support from her. My own father and his wife have been more supportive of my dreams and goals lately than ever before, and my father has been supportive practically all of my life anyway. My father, a fine man who loves me very much, may not always like some of the choices I make after I have acted upon those choices and got something negative out of the choice I made and the outcome was very distressing to me, but he always had taken the time to give me his opinion, whether I liked it or not, or needed it or not, but in the long run, my dad was always founded to be right. So I am a little distressed about my mother not ever being very supportive about my dreams and goals that could better my life away from the lower class I have felt I have been in since I have been on my own and out of my parent’s home – my dad and his wife who I love very much inside and out. Being on SSI or SS is welfare to me and I am planning on getting off welfare, a goal in my life I am looking at. That is one good reason why I am becoming an accountant in three weeks or so with an accounting degree.

I have so much to write about but today is not going to be the only day I have written about what I want to write about. I need to go for now and get back to school for a little bit before retiring to bed — hopefully before midnight tonight for obvious reasons I have to get up around 8 a.m. in the morning to get ready for and go to church. Good night for now everyone. TTYL!

About ksmiley

I feel I am back to journaling once again.
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2 Responses to A Moment of Reflection

  1. Girl, you have been through it. I stopped by to tell you how much I appreciated your comment and support, and see that you need the support as much as I do!

    It does sound as though you’re handling things well, though. I know trust is hard to find, once it’s been so horribly broken. You’ll learn who and when to trust again, though. Dare I say ”Trust me on this”?

    Blue Dahlia, which I loved, versus The Bible, which used to be a real page-turner for me, too:

    The Bible has less going for it in the way of description and plot, at least plot that you don’t already know, and the language in most versions is pretty archaic. Having said that, I will tell you that I basically convinced myself that I loved reading the Bible, and it worked extremely well. I just told myself, numerous times a day for days running, that I loved reading that book, and had a hard time putting it down, and presto! It was suddenly true. (It can be a darned good read!)



  2. Pragmatist says:

    Today is my lazy day. It’s getting on to 4 o’clock and I’m still in my jammies. Watched the kick-off for the Super Bowl game. The commercials are too much. I turned off the TV. I’ll check periodically for the score.


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