That Feeling of Dread, Anger, and Confusion
Last night I had a conversation with KM on the phone and one of the conversation pieces made my heart sink with dread that my world is, at the moment, feeling dread, confusion, and definitely anger. I am a private person more now than I have ever been in the past few years. Ever since I have moved from the 3rd floor to the 1st floor of the building I have lived in since March 1998, I do have to say that I have learned to be more private. Anyway, one of the conversation pieces was about the building, the onsite manager, the previous on-site managers, and the property manager. I became sick in my stomach and did not know what to say or do about it except let KM speak her mind and pretend that I what she was saying was sane. I love the property manager and his wife very much, I like the on-site manager very much, and I have nothing to do with previous on-site managers anymore. My world has been rocked more than enough times that this one conversation piece really rocked my boat even harder because of my fondness of the people excluding the previous onsite managers. I actually did not believe KM because I have not been a part of the ongoing issues that have been happening here for a long time. I love KM very much but my heart is losing respect for KM more and more as the days turn into weeks and I have heard some horror stories that have made me wonder about KM’s mental health being stable. After last month and my mental health was questioned by my own self, I was wondering if my world was less stable than it really is, but I just have a depression/anxiety disorder that needs to be looked after on a regular basis from now on and I do have an awesome family doctor now who has my best interest at heart. She and her nurses answer all my questions whenever I call in a reasonable amount of time. Anyway, getting back to that conversation I had with KM last night still bothers me and I need to talk to someone about it before it eats me alive but who should I go to about it? Should I even go to anyone about it at all and let it go or what? My heart aches terribly and I feel I need some answers but if I do go to anyone about this, I wonder how much of it will get back to KM and then I will be on her so-called “hit list” of people she will never speak to again. I wonder about her mental health now after last night and definitely wonder if she told me what she did to see what I will do about it in the nearest future. I am deeply hurt, definitely angry, and confused about things right now. I definitely do not want any more anxiety and people hating me in my world. I am angry, yes! Why? It is so because I allowed KM’s conversation piece get to me and bother me to the point that I have to write and share my thoughts, feelings, and health with total strangers and friends on http://www.deardiary.org today before it kills me. DANG!
The Anger I Feel!
No doubt about the anger I feel. I am very angry with myself because I allowed KM’s conversation get to me and question her mental health and my depression/anxiety disorder to the point of questioning my own sanity today. Even the question “why did KM share this with me?” last night and make me question the idea of what is really going on. I am finding myself in a world of privacy more and more, and wanting to leave this building and never come back all over again. The other night or last night I had the coolest dream I could have ever had and it was me owning my own home and I no longer had to deal with neighbors next door, above me, or around me except for the neighbors with homes all around me. KM’s conversation piece had driven my subconscious mind to show me that I owned my own home and no more apartment living and hearing the bickering and bitching of neighbor’s complaints in and out about the stupidest things. I am definitely looking into owning my own home someday so I can get out of apartment living for good and get away from idiotic people forever! Teamster Manor has become a dangerous place to live in my way of thinking. I cannot trust no one anymore except for the onsite manager and her husband, LG, and the property manager and his wife, and daughter. Geesh!! I do not talk to too many people anymore outside my inner circle now-a-days. I have a sad life at times!
The Confusion I Feel
Definitely confused here! I am sick and tired of hearing certain things about people especially the people I care about and are in my life for good reason. The only thing I am not confused about is KM’s mental state and I wish she never moved back here! I know I sound mean and feel I have an attitude that is not Christian at the moment about KM, but I do have to admit that I am upset with the situation she had shared with me last night. Yes, pissed off is more like it actually. I have written long diary entries many times before today but I believe this diary entry is going to be the LONGEST today!!! I need to write my feelings out before they eat me from the inside-out and kill me. The confusion I feel about yesterday’s conversation is happening in my world and mind right now is because I love the property manager and his wife very much and his daughter is a dear, close, special friend of mine I consider true friends. I do not care about what goes on at Teamster Manor as long as it does not involve me unless it actually does involve me. I am more private now and wonder if I should have any more contact with KM. DANG! I am confused because I do not believe anything of what KM shared with me. I know for a fact that she is upset about things with Teamster Manor but then again wonder why she moved back to Teamster Manor in December if she does not like the tenants who live here, the onsite/property manager, and the fact that no one likes her anymore as well. Yep, no one in the building likes her anymore. She should have stayed away for good and took what was happening in Sun Prairie and bit the bullet and stayed there! DANG! KM is a confusing woman. DANG! What the heck is going on?! DANG!! I am still ANGRY!!! Why did I have to hear the stuff KM said last night?! I am confused on what I should do at the moment so I will have to pray about it!
Hope No One Bothers Me Today
I hope no one bothers me today. I am not in the mood to be around people today whatsoever. The only person I want to see today is MM, my caseworker, and J, but I won’t see J until tomorrow morning at 1130 – 2 pm for our shopping and food preparation day, and MM has yet to call me. I am going to tell her about what happened last night in conversation with KM and see what I should do about it. MM is such a reasonable, understanding person, and her thoughts and opinions mean a lot to me. I am going to play games on facebook, read, watch TV. In fact I am, seriously, watching cartoons on Nickelodeon today and yes, have watched Sponge Bob Squarepants, Dora Explorer, Diego Go Diego, and nothing else. Bing has been a naughty cat this morning getting on the computer desk that is crowded of papers and other items that need to be taken care of before I am able to sit there and get on the computer again. I have to do it before Tuesday now as a promise to J. That is how my day has been going today. AAARRRGGG! What a life I live sometimes! DANG! Not having no one here today is such a good idea too. CKR did not come yesterday and I hope she does not come today either. I do not want to be bothered today period! AAAARRRRGGGG! DANG!
I think KM barked up the wrong tree last night and what has been shared with me will be shared soon as I can find answer through prayer and reflection — not too mention that reflecting about the conversation is really anything to reflect about but say it is a lesson to be learned in the long run. I have to get away from this conversation with KM before I get ill all over again. Later…
More later today