11/30/11

Dear Diary Now


I have to have more patience in this world of mine that’s for sure! I did wait until this morning to get online at Dear Diary this morning and it is allowing me to get on. A lot of people must have had the need to write last night that the bandwidth was at its maximum and not allowing me and many others on. I am able to get online today at Dear Diary – a good thing this end now. I was feeling a little upset last night for some reason and I was not understanding why on a few things in my own world last night – still somewhat today too. I am glad Dear Diary is allowing me on this morning. Thank you Dear Diary.


Good Morning??
I kind of woke up in a funk this morning but got myself going the best I could at 7 am this morning. I wanted to get up a little before DB arrived to help me with my shower this morning and was able to get going even though I wanted to lay down and watch more TV. I had to begin my day somehow with some time for myself before company arrived for an 1 ½ of the day. I have no idea what I plan on doing today except read, watch TV, be with Bing, and write my heart out in vent, thought and feeling, and play my IPod games ALL day long.
Changes Yet To Make


I know for a fact, a good one at that too, that changes need to be made in my world to make it less stressful and less frustrated for me. I have never felt so frustrated with one person before now and now I have experienced it and I hate it with a passion. I keep coming to this in my thoughts as if it rules my life right now and I need to take control of my life once again. I need to cut CSE out of my life for good and put my foot down and keep it down for good and give it a chance to work. I have never been hurt by one person as much as CSE has made me feel. I will never understand her and I just do not know why I am trying so hard to understand her and get into her world when she is the one who is got the brick wall up. She has become a person unknown to me and NMS that makes her a very scary person today – someone who should be avoided. Is she competent in taking care of herself or not? She acts like someone needs to make decisions for her. I am sick and tired of her acting the way she does – can not erase the past of her so-called former life when she was CKR. I cannot stand venting about her anymore so changes need to be made once again – before 2012. I need to cut her out of my life in order to stop the hurt and keep the frustration down. I do hate her – the person she has become – unknown to me. I do literally hate her personality and person, and her being. I know it’s unchristian of me. Sorry to have said such a thing. I am only human and I make mistakes in haste thought. The only thing is these haste thoughts have been popping in and out for the longest time now – her being late all the time! She is not going to be helping me anymore. She won’t be taking care of Bing with me, she will not be coming downstairs to my place anymore because she continues to act strange. I am on my own with help from my shower gals, my worker at IDS, and other friends I can trust totally. That is one change I am going to make and put my foot down for good from now on starting today. She came down the other day to deliver two cookies to me and a couple of other tenants was the last time I saw her. She will not be n coming down unannounced anymore – I will not answer the door anymore when she knocks. No more Carrie. I do not need someone like her in my world anymore.


Now


I have had my shower, dressed in comfies for the day, watching an episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent on my cable’s DVR box, Bing is giving himself a bath, my shower gal DB is here until 915 am and then the rest of the day is all mine and Bing’s. No major plans made – was wanting to go to the corner store but it is too cold to go out in my power chair this morning. No major snow yet but in the forecast Thursday – tomorrow at 20% chance – so snow may not come at that rate. I am sick and tired of my thoughts reverting back and forth on CSE now – driving me crazy big time. She won’t leave my forethought or even my back thought. I have been tired the past few days because of my forethought being on her over and over. I am sick and tired of it – can’t revert my thoughts to anything else – even comedy on TV channel 967’s METV! AARRGG! I need a break from this place, the people who live here, and a break from my so chaotic thoughts and world – how chaotic is my world? Not chaotic because I am not busy enough anymore since work is not available for me until next Spring now. I hate my thoughts right now since I am only thinking of CSE. I HATE HER THAT MUCH!


Later


I will be back later sometime.

Author: ksmiley

As a diarist and blogger, please bear with me as I continue to upgrade my blog as time moves forward. Thank you.

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