I Do Still Have A Heart

I Do Still Have A Heart

Okay…this is ridiculous, I know…but today is a high school colleague’s birthday and he is now 46 years old. This high school colleague, once a friend I could trust, cannot forget him for some reason. He is BW. I wish I forget him entirely but that is definitely something that cannot be done right now. I do feel bad for him, though. That is probably why I cannot forget him entirely. We are just not friends anymore like we once were in high school and a few years after that. Both of his parents died and that is why I feel bad for him. Every time I see him, which has been a while now thankfully, he always talks about his parents and that they are not here anymore…a fixation? Possible. I know I have some fixations as well and I keep them to myself for the most part…the privacy of my own home unless I talk about it to a very close friend. Speaking of close friends, I have spoken to my ex-boyfriend SLS about BW’s fixation on his parents’ death and how long they have been gone, and I have not really understood BW from the very beginning of our friendship. Yet, I feel bad for him to the extent of understanding that something is not right in his life and he needs to come to the realization about things in his life. BW is not the only person in my life I feel I have trouble with understanding. CSE is another person I have trouble understanding as well.

Once again I feel like a broken record or hashing up some past hurts that have a tendency to resurface from the depths of the mind. CSE has come into the forefront of my mind as well. I know I cannot help BW or CSE and the best thing for me to do is to stay away from the drama that occurs with those two people but I still have a heart of gold here that come with feelings. I have not seen BW since our 25th class reunion and CSE has not called for a while now. Since CSE is living with her ex-husband and his wife, I doubt I will hear from her unless she sneaks in a call from time to time. She cannot call using her cell phone number because I have blocked her number using Smart Limits that I still have as my AT&T service package. Smart Limits is not available to new customers anymore but those who still have Smart Limits still can have the service as long as they do not get rid of the service. I intend on keeping Smart Limits for as long as I can. I do not want HE, BW, and CSE calling me anymore. Actually, I do not think that BW has my cell phone number but it is safe to have his numbers blocked anyway. HE is yet another person I have decided not to have in my life. She cannot be understood very well either. Here I am wondering how HE is doing physically, emotionally, and medically. Medically? Yes, HE has epilepsy and that is something that cannot be played with or set aside. The last time I saw HE was at Dean Clinic while getting my glasses cleaned and straightened. I do not want anything to happen to her because of a epileptic seizure. I do not want anything bad to happen to CSE or BW either.

About ksmiley

I feel I am back to journaling once again.
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