Decision Made

Most of the time, or I should say, all the time I am usually offline at this time and relaxing but sometimes I have an urge to write or I have something to say or do before relaxing.  This is one of the hardest entries I have to write at this point because last night I had learned that NMS is not returning home from the hospital and is going into one of our nursing homes here in our small city into hospice care.  She will be wearing a purple band which means DNR (Do Not Resuscitate).  Okay, I have definitely heard it all.  I have known NMS since I have moved into the building in March of 1998 and I began calling her Mom two weeks after moving in because of another neighbor who was a good friend at the time.  I have been afraid of her at times especially when she did her best at letting me know that CKR (CSE) needs help and friends when she herself has pretty much alienated herself from her friends by acting strange – a strangeness that I could never explain myself to well.  Like I said before “I’ve seen it all.”  Now that I am getting older myself and around adults who are older than me in the apartment complex I live in, except for one person, I do have to admit that I have seen and heard a lot in the past 19 years among the neighbors/tenants who have lived here and have either moved or died because it was their time.  Now NMS’ time is coming but for how long?  The idea has been on my mind since I got a visit from JM from church who came and got some of NMS’ mail and some papers.  I found that a surprise tonight.  The fact that NMS is going to be going to a nursing home does not surprise me at this time in the game of life for her but being put in Hospice care?  That surprises me a little bit.  She has cancer and it has metastasized and she is in a lot of pain.  I can understand the purple band DNR now.  I have decided to let NMS go but she is going to leave a large void in my life when she is gone to the grave and I hope to see her in heaven when it is my time to go.  A few years ago I was hoping that both of us would see Jesus’ second coming together while we were both alive but that is not going to happen now.

I have also been thinking about my diary post I had typed/written yesterday – my thought about friends who will consider friendship on Facebook a political outcry if you do not comply to their beliefs politically.  I could not come up with the words a while ago when I first wrote the entry because I have been pretty unhappy and angry with all the political hatred going on.  I understand that we all have our opinions, concerns, and needs to be met but I am one person who does her best with going with the flow without worrying too much.  I have already isolated myself from the outside world to some extent anyway and still be social among other tenants from time to time but I do not get involved with a lot of games and parties anymore because of gossip and rumors, and the noise that comes from one group playing one game and another playing another.  It is just too much for these ears and body to go through.  I am comfortable socially online here and Facebook even though the political stuff is driving me crazy right now.  I do hope that it does die down now.  That is my hope and wish now.

I have decided to continue doing what I have been doing no matter what I hear, see, or do in my life.  I have to move on somehow and continue doing what I love most in my life.

About ksmiley

I feel I am back to journaling once again.
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