March 26, 2021 — Entry 2

Life –

I have been a busy girl these days. Despite the coronavirus out in the world right now, my life continues to move ahead. Sometimes, my life moves on ahead in my way of thinking whether I am ready or not. 

I live through my days the best I can on days I consider not so good because my body deals with aches and pains that drive me down for the count, or it seems to push me down. I was having a debate in my head with the want to cry. 

With the debate ending, I found a way to get up without failing – an idea where I did not think the worst of my dilemma PERIOD. My cerebral palsy (CP) has been getting worse since 2006. I don’t believe that it’s my fault, nor should I find blame for myself. I know I will have family members not understanding the decrease or increase effects of my condition, and I am fifty years old, soon to be fifty-one in July.

I have been dialyzing for two years as of April 24 but at the clinic on May 7. I had my kidney for thirty-one years before dialysis for the second time in my lifetime.

I remember when I learned of my first kidney disease at age seventeen. I was devastated because I was a teenager thinking that my life was over when I feel it was just beginning to become less shy. I was the girls’ basketball team manager, a junior in high school, wanting to be involved with school more than I have in my middle school and the first two years of high school. I already felt awkward and unpopular, but then those were only feelings. 

I was popular with the group of people I hung around with. I didn’t want to be involved in school more and put myself into better light with my schoolwork. My kidney disease and the transplant was not in my thoughts until it came in one swoop of devastating news, and I was in the hospital a lot before the transplant and a couple of times after the transplant. I kept track of how many weeks I was in the hospital, and I realized that a semester went by without a hitch. Three weeks here and three weeks there, and another three weeks somewhere have brought a semester – like a school semester. 

I fought a fight that led me to what is now thirty-three years later and has been dialyzing for almost two years now. 

My first dialyzing experience was peritoneal dialysis because my kidney disease was so far out that getting a fistula or graft at that time would take too long to mature. The time I am talking about is 1987, at the time I learned of my kidney disease. In 2021, I have been dialyzing for almost two years, and in 2016, I chose to be dialyzed by cleaning the blood, which is called Hemodialysis. My experience of being sick at age seventeen and dialyzing at-home – peritoneal dialysis –where a tube is put into the abdomen and fluid is put into your body and it will come out, cleansing the body of its toxins the diseased kidney cannot no longer filter out. I’ve had peritonitis twice and cellulitis once during my first experience of kidney disease.

With that shared, I am glad to be alive. I live on my own and I have experienced a lot since December 1989. I am here writing chapters of my life. I am an introvert. Here is the definition of an introvert I found on Google: Introvert – An introvert is often thought of as a quiet, reserved, and thoughtful individual. They don’t seek special attention or social engagements, as these events can leave introverts feeling exhausted and drained. … They aren’t one to miss a social gathering, and they thrive in the frenzy of a busy environment. Maybe, somewhat, I am an extrovert, but more of an introvert. I zone out a lot and prefer writing than talking, as seen here. See here: Introvert Information. This page describes me and many other people.

Please forgive me for running on a tangent here (today of all days). Sometimes I write chapters of my life, but writing is what I love to do on a daily/regular basis. That’s my way of expressing myself. I also have a lot to say.  Thank you for taking the time to read what I write. Thank you for taking the time to read what I write.

About ksmiley

I feel I am back to journaling once again.
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