At the moment, unfortunately, I am watching TV, Tubi, on my iPad because one of the cats got to the power to my TV’s surge protector. I’m not very happy about it because if I find out differently in the morning, my caregiver and myself, will not two unhappy people tomorrow. Yeah, because it is almost 10 PM this Sunday evening, I am a little downtrodden tonight as I am listening to Midsomer Murders on Tubi on my iPad tonight at 86% on battery power. Going to stop listening to the show for the night anyway. I need to find better time to write in my thoughts of the day before bed and dang it, I have to poo, and that’ll have to wait until morning now that I am in bed for the night.
With the TV off, the Tubi channel off on my iPad, I am able to write in my diary for the night, but it is not going to be like this every night after 10 PM…believe me! I cannot afford not having a good night sleep to begin dialysis week Monday morning at 11:45=AM when Debbie is going to be here at 7:30 AM to wash my hair and give me a bath. My thoughts are on the way to be written tonight before sleep.
I Have Been Thinking About Friendships & My Life In the Spiritual Sense Lately
Well, lately, I have been thinking about my friendships with several people these days as well as my spiritual walk with Jesus. Ummm…not in the best light right now. A bit dim unfortunately and sadly enough. Especially, spiritually is a bit dim. Because I do not go to church physically because I haven’t been practicing getting into a vehicle yet, and with my feelings of where my friendship lies with Julie M right now makes me want to cry right now because I do not see a healthy friendship between us right now. I see it having been toxic for quite some time now. It is because I have had her, Julie M, working for me for several months while Debbie was on medical leave due to cancer. I blame myself for allowing it to happen knowing that working with friends is NOT A GOOD IDEA, people! I’ve worked with my friend Hope in the past in a couple of workplaces and our friendship went down the tubes very fast within weeks. I had to leave one workplace because it put a damper on our friendship, and after her health and happiness went downhill, I became afraid of her, and wanted her to be emotionally happy, but could not be of any help because she did not want to be happy anymore. Her life had been rough on her and after her dad passed away, I could not be around her anymore. She never smiled or laughed anymore, and seeing her unhappy had frightened me badly. Now, my friendship with Julie M has been upsetting the apple cart to point I need to walk away from her, too. Even putting the friendship in hiatus is not helping me feel any better. I cannot explain it at the moment.
My relationships with Kelly W and Jennie S seem to be distant, too. I thought my moving to Garden Court, the place I called home practically twelve years ago now or a little more, has been in question these days as well. I don’t mind living at Garden Court, but they way management runs this place has made it very difficult to live and be happy here. Kelly W has never been to my place since I have been here and Jennie has been here maybe three times since I moved in the building, and there was six months I was not even living here because I was in the hospital and two different nursing homes because of Mercy Hospital and their shitty personnel putting me there twice when I said no and have good care with caregivers. I dealt with severe depression and anxiety for six months in 2022 and all of 2023 unfortunately. I have lost faith and hope in my primary doctors in the Mercy Health system and want to bitch and complain about Mercy’s care. My life has changed since I had Covid and that darn hematoma that my life did not feel was my life until about a month ago. I have been a sad individual for a very long time and I feel I just got my life back just so many days ago.
Jennie barely lives here now as she stays with her boyfriend these days. If I ever see her, it’s in passing in the mornings while waiting for my medical rides to dialysis once a week when she comes to do laundry and visit with her roommate for a while that one day a week. Why bother coming to and fro between two places? It’s a waste of time and paying rent at a place you see only four days a darn month. I find it kind of stupid and a wasted check that can be above $200 a month. Let your roommate live here by herself like she has been been for the past three years, Jennie. Why bother. You have disappointed your so-called friend by saying you will be here more and haven’t kept your side of the bargain. Why am I wasting my time and breath with a friend like you who barely comes, doesn’t text back right away or bothers answering the phone when someone calls. Your actions speak louder than what you do. I will be very happy leaving Garden Court when I get out of here.
When it comes to Kelly, she is very sensitive and self-centered. Self-centered? Yes, she is. It’s got be about her and her alone a lot. I rarely see her as she bounces from her place and her mother-in-laws apartment and they are across the hall from one another. I find that too easy and find it strange at times. Kelly’s husband has passed away three years ago from a health conditions beyond her and his control leaving her a widow after 25 years of happiness. Jimmy had Down syndrome and severe dementia at an early age and he died at the age of 50… Rest in peace Jimmy Wilson! I know you are greatly missed young man and friend. You left a wonderful wife and family behind. With Kelly, unfortunately, you have to be careful what you say and do with her, so my friendship with her has always been distant with her since we met in high school. With two very good high schools in our city, we ended up going to the same one while Jimmy went to the other and somehow after Kelly graduated from school in 1990, a year after me, Jimmy and Kelly because the city’s special couple in a newspaper journalist’s life for 25+ years in the Janesville Gazette. Bless their deserved hearts, too. Their special relationship deserved the public’s affections and praises because disabled people need to be in the spotlight, too, gosh darn it! Jimmy and Kelly were sensational people as a couple living in the damn working world among people who aren’t all disabled. I could go on and on and on about these two amazing people even though my friendship with Kelly is indeed very distant as well, and that will remain theft way for the rest of my life because it is fine where we sit as friends now. I see her once in a while and it works fine. We chat once in a while.
Now, Janessa is one story after another. I lost my ability to keep up with her. With her lies and I could not keep with her going back and forth regarding her boyfriend who is a blind man. She would break up with him and go back out with him. One she told me that he gave her a recreation drug to try, and she got sick. With that and her taking prescription drugs did not please me at all. Actually, I got pissed off about it. I haven’t talked to her much ever since and do want nothing to do with her period. Now, I see her from time to time and barely say hello to one another because she has left a bad taste in my mouth. Half the time she looks mad about something or is spaced out. I do be civil with her. We haven’t exchanged phone numbers in two and a half years and could care less if she was still here in the building, but I am glad she is not six feet u dear the ground deadliest thing in because of illness or accidental death. I wouldn’t wish her dead in a bad way ever.
With my former friends Greg Arnold and Cheryl Krepel Ryan/Carrie Spafford Ellsworth, are no longer friends of mine these days to be honest with you. I looked up Greg Arnold and he passed away from brittle diabetes because he didn’t take good care of himself, and Nellie Steele passed away in 2017 or 2019, I had never seen Greg around anymore and every day to every week I check the internet for people I haven’t seen in a while, Cheryl/Carrie is a story I do not want to get into because talking about her gets me upset. Some things about her does not settle well inside me, and I don’t want anything to do with her or her ex-husband Jamie. He’s a jerk who has been married four times to friends of my mine but one. His relationship with Cheryl/Carrie changed her mentally in an unhealthy way and I do not like the person she has become. She has changed into. Changing her name for the reason ha settled well with me, either because she did not like her given name and family name. Her mother has been dead for years and father committed suicide when she was a baby girl. She has been dead to me since Nellie Steele has died. Her strange attitude and behavior scared me away and SCARED ME! I will be civil to her. Now, her ex-Jamie? I will not give him any time of my day because he is rude and mean to me and has been mean to Carrie. I don’t want to have Jamie and Carrie back in my life because of our mental state of mind do not have the patience for one another anymore. Carrie scares me and her presence is haunting at times. If I see her, I will walk away from her without saying a word because I would sound scared in my tone, and blind and seeing impaired people can sense sounds well. In late 2001 and 2007, I have decided to have cataract surgery done on my eyes because when my vision took enough of not disguising black and blue in a wall hanging I had for the minute I moved into Burbank Plaza, the place was called Teamster Manor at the time I moved in in 1998, my hearing took up what I could not see in what I could hear. I could tell who had the ability to pinpoint the sound of footsteps on specific teachers during my loss of dark colors.
To be continued…
