A new ‘work’ week has begun. Dialysis started today and a patient got his dismissal papers today because his kidneys have turned around to be done with dialysis. CONGRATULATIONS to that patient. I met this gentleman last Friday, thinking he was a permanent patient too old to have a transplant at his age. Still, congratulations… Anyway, dialysis went smoothly UNTIL the last thirty minutes my BP went below 100/50 so the tech and nurse decide to have the machine clean my blood and stop the machine from taking out more fluid. My body, unfortunately, does not have fluid to take out of me. I do have to admit that this goal weight being at 84 kilograms is NOT being made exactly! I am reaching 86 to 85 kilograms at a dialysis cleaning, but it has been frustrating me a lot. I’m greatly disappointed about it to be very honest here with you. I wanna cry if I have any tears left after crying over the weekend because I’m getting frustrated with bits and pieces of my life have changed my mood a bit. I am just getting to accept my life the way it is for the past two years. It took a long time to get my head out of my ass So to speak!
With that said, I get my nails done twice a month now at a place just down the street on S Main St. You see, N Main St. becomes S Main St. after we cross E Milwaukee St. I live on N Main St in downtown Janesville, Wisconsin in a place Garden Court. This place has felt like home ten years ago or so, but today, my feelings of this place is definitely NOT home. It does not feel like a prison, either. It is not homey anymore, though, and I cannot come up with the right words right now, either. Maybe later…maybe not.
My life as a diarist has its perks and lows in my life. The other day, March 24th was definitely a low. I do believe that some of my friendships with certain people have been questionable. I do not know what to think and I do not know how to express my feelings to some of my friends. Should I even bother to say anything? For a couple of them, I am sure will not understand my feelings and will move on, and I may have only one friend who fully understand my feelings 100% without having to say one word of agreement. I believe would. That would be my friend Donna. Thanks Donna! Yes!!
Agree to Changed Friendships
I believe, unfortunately, that my friendship has changed when it comes to Kelly and Jennie. I believe that I, being friendly to Kelly and Jennie, our friendship is very distant. We never do anything together or plan to get together. We have our separate lives to live and we all have walked the same path or road together at one time but not anymore. I even feel my friendship with Julie M has changed because she worked for me and got burned out:
Julie M’s relationship has changed in recent weeks, and I cannot explain it right now. I may never find the answer. Not being able to express my feelings about friends … being poo poo’ed from being out and about it! When I figure it out, I will let you know. Another late night the night before dialysis treatment tomorrow morning.
With the fact of my disability/handicap aging a bit in the past two years, seeing myself in this light took some time to accept in my life. I am no longer bedridden these days, but I still will not change or become someone I do not want to be because other people saw me one way long ago and apparently I am now not the same person they once knew. I have never satisfied anyone about being my own self all my life at age 53 and all my life. It irritates me that people see me one way and if any part of me changes, my friends do not like me anymore. Not everyone accepts me for who I really am. People have to be prejudice against me. That is hurtful sometimes. I am I am not able to drive, ok? I don’t want to drive…period!! I will change myself when I’m ready—because I will not change for no one. Anyway, having a group of friends does not make you popular.
Why do I feel that friendship matters to me as much as it does? I really do not have an answer to that right now, either. Isn’t that scary? Nope, and that is how I feel personally and I do care. I am sensitive and wear my damn heart on my sleeve and I’m not okay with it, either. Do I make sense? I believe I do to be honest with you. Yeah, friends matter to me and feelings will not change for everyone … I believe!
