Kristi Karnopp's Diary & Blog

she is here

 A new day has come. Let us welcome Wednesday, November 29, 2023. I wonder if it does not want to welcome a new morning just yet? No, not quite yet, LOL! I want to go back to sleep, but DH will be here by 7:45 AM. That is fine, I suppose for today. I do not want to go anywhere, but today is another dialysis day and it is ‘hump day, Wednesday, the middle of the week. I have two sessions of treatment for the week today. Yay! Why can I not be.excited about that? I do not know why because I am not awake yet, jeez!

Now, I Get it!! I understand now!

A few months ago Dr. S, the female nephrologist at Mercy West clinic, mentioned something about the lights on your phones and tablets should be put down so we can relax after dinner by 7 PM. Your eyes need a break from stimulation of bright lighting of the day. At a sleep study, the sleep technician/nurse also said that the TV should be turned off before you sleep. Ever since I lived on my own, I never had difficulty falling asleep with thr TV on, bit I get it and I understand why we need to shut the TV off at night, but I get it. How I understand? Well, a little bit ago I had turned on a light to eat a snack of pickles. Thr light was very bright, and my tiredness disappeared immediately and I felt wide awake. See now I get it, I understand! Dang it. I am glad now that I watch Tubi and so, if I fall asleep, the app automatically goes to the Home screen, and the fish tank screen saver pops up, and the fishes are swimming about in the TV screen saver all night long. Thanks, Dr. S. Woohoo, I get it now! Let my eyes rest for goodness sakes. Ok, now, have a great night,people.

So, my appointment was at 11 AM, and J (female) said I was not on the schedule. What? JP put my appointment in her calendar. My nail gal forgot. Maybe, so. I allowed to forget. She still did my nails. What a morning. After appointment, we came back to my place, I got into bed, ate lunch of an angus burger sandwich and mac and cheese with a rice Kristy bar and fruit loop cereal bar for dessert today. JP decided to go grocery shopping for me and go get my medicine packs for December before returning to my place for a while and getting my supper and snacks for the evening before leaving to go home so she can get things done for the day. JP will be here again tomorrow to get me downstairs for dialysis at 11 AM to 2:45 PM. Weather has proven to be cold to and from appointment today.it was brrrr. 

Today was a little better than yesterday, too. Before leaving my apartment, waking up to get out has been somewhat difficult for me. Although awake, getting up and in my power chair was somewhat difficult. I wanted to sleep and now relaxing in bed again, I am awake until I take another Seroquel at bedtime. I was not as moody, but I was indeed quieter and soaking in my surroundings I have been in my sights for the pair three years minus four months or so last July through November 2022.

Neighbor Woes

JP was telling me not to ever say anything to SR because according to JP, SR is a two-faced, excuse my swearing once again, Jesus, bitch. JP wanted to talk to SR about her talking to other tenants about her attitude about JP’s presence and winning bingos at the bingo night. JP got an answer she did not expect, but yet again, a cocky answer that made JP really hate SR more. JP went to the office about what happened, and the response JP got was thst the management does not care about the tenants. SR’s behavior and attitude should have gotten her evicted a long time ago, but management has not done anything. Where in the hell is Diane? When she was bees for a while, things got done properly. JP cannot wait until I get out of here for good. This place has become a hellhole. It sure has become a bad place to live. Even the back inside door is not working properly because tenants do not follow orders of handling the doors. The rule is to allow one door to close before opening the second back door f door. Duh, people, it is not hard to follow directions these days. Now I am not sure about putting the blame on a tenant if the door is broken the individual who breaks the door, thru will be the tenants responsible. Sound ridiculous. I am not going to be the type of rude neighbor, but when a tenant or neighbor speaks ill of my friends and JP, then people will indeed be aware of words. I dislike people.

SR and I know each other from living at Burbank Plaza a long time ago. I lived there for several years before moving to Garden Court. I have seen and hears how SR acts as someone who needs help with big mouth that never shuts up for anyone. How she acts in front of authorities like the police see idiotic neighbors be real dumb once in a while. I would love to see the police take her away for being an idiot and slightly smile T the thought as she goes out the door for being an idiot. ‘Gotcha, thanks for being an idiot, people.’ Now telling a handicapped young lady being an idiot go get drunk and get lad, honey,’ tells me you are idio to be d eea bigger idiot and rude, and then wise up to confer that being yet a idiot. Do not mess with me as my temper will get me good at time being an idiotic people. Good night my dear neighbor. Good for the idiotic neighbor. As the might comes and goes. Do not fool me ever! Good night neighbor like an idiot as I need to b3 an idiot sometimes. I will happy to be gone from this place soon enough. Goodbye for a while and leave all my neighbors behind for good. Cannot wait. Hmmm, until I am gone from here, leave me alone, please. Thank you!

It is time to say good night right now.

Good Morning 

DH will be here within the hour to get me ready for my day. Yep, I’m up for the day now. Been watching Midsomer Murders on Tubi. The last episode a woman committed suicide but was able to confess her sins and wrong doings to DCI Barnaby. She did not want her niece to be convicted of the murder. The woman, telling her story to Barnaby was killing of three people. The woman passed away on her living room and the EMT’s took her out of the home on a stretcher and put her in an ambulance. What a horrible act this woman did for herself and her family. I have go now and rest a while before DH gets here.

I am very frustrated right now. DH needs to text JP to find out about today. The cable company is coming at 11AM this morning to look into something for JP. She thinks there is another place for the cable to be hooked up in the living room. I believe, honestly, that the spot she is looking at is an old phone jack. We will find out later unless JP forgot about the cable company is coming today.

Good Evening, I Think Anyway?

With evening coming upon us this late afternoon, evening among us tonight, I have to admit that I am in a mood this early afternoon. I want to be less busy this afternoon this afternoon’s-tired day. I am ready for bed at this afternoon this fine day. JP did make it by 10 AM as planned and the cable guy came, but was unable to do what JP thought he could do. In fact, the maintenance man D said that the cable company could put another line in the apartment anytime as they have done so in the past. That kind of pissed JP a little bit to the point she is going to talk to someone at Spectrum—maybe not and if she does, I will say something about it. DH came and JP showed her how to work the ice maker on my kitchen counter. She also helped DH adjust her hours on the GTI app online. I have been in a mood all day—happy, frustrated, crying, and not wanting JP not  have tomorrow off. I want her here tomorrow afternoon, not DH. I surely do not want JM here right now. Her friendship with me is on hold right now, and JP teasing me about it today did not please me. I am not in the teasing mood right now nor am I in the mood to be the product of someone teasing me because I hate being the product of being teased at. Kids at school were mean about it then and it has left a sour note and taste in my mouth for years. You may get a smile out of me sometimes, that is an occasion at best at time. I hate being teased about to this day.

Can My Parents Leave the Past Where it Belongs in the Past?

Apparently not. Every time they come for a visit, they talk about the past and with the visit on November 25^th turned to the time they reminded me why I got kicked out. Why did I get kicked out of the house? It was because I dropped my pills on the floor and my little sister KLK found pills on the floor, and she was 2 years old going on 3 years the time I moved out. It hurts me and I feel it is attacking mr to the point I do not want them in my life. My parents, once my AR parentswho are now my Milwaukee parents. Yep, they moved back to Wisconsin. Is it not emotional abuse, people? I think so. My Milwaukee parents have been abusing me emotionally for years. I have every right to have peace in my own home. My parents will be mean until they go to their graves. Emotional abuse sucks, people. It is not highly recommended in my book of life. Oh yeah, I forgot, I do not have one, remember? Nope, I do not have one. To me it is a controlled life, and I am not the one running my own life because it is being run by JP who believe my parents are getting old. Again, I have been emotionally abused by my dad for years and all of my life. Why? I have no idea why.

Oh, My Goodness Tomorrow is My Nail Appointment at 11 AM

JP texted me about my appointment for getting my nails a little while ago. It is dark outdoors, but quite 7 PM. My thought about my nail appointment is actually exactly like this:

‘Oh, shit, tomorrow is the 28^th already!’

Okay, I have my appointment tomorrow. Also, I am jumping the gun here. I am not talking about my swearing being the problem because I have been moody and in a funk because of my damn parents and their ‘let us remind Kristi of her past,’ kick before we leave. Absolutely uncalled for. My parents never fail to ruin a happy holiday dinner even before we even, please forgive me, Jesus, fucking eat our Thanksgiving dinner for our Thanksgiving get together. Damn it, Dad! So, I spaced that the 28^th was tomorrow. The days have been busy or a darned blur for being so tired with my new anxiety med Seroquel! Been having a hard time staying awake in the mornings and early evenings after taking the necessary dosage now twice a day. I literally hate being dopey and tired when I know I should be awake, but fighting sleep. What a trip.

Ummm, What Happened Today Before 3 PM?

So much has happened today to my dismay, and I am not satisfied with how my day went at all, except dialysis went fairly decently today with a few hiccups with my blood pressure, and machine. My day was just not my best day today whatsoever. It was horrible in my way of thinking that I can say that I was surprised that I was able to do anything right throughout my bad day PERIOD!            

So, what happened during my day? Well, a lot. First, the internet was being problematic at dialysis the entire time I was hooked up for 2 hours and 45 minutes. The need to talk to JP because I am frustrated and upset did not happen at all. Her day was too busy to help me through what was bothering me, and what my parents said and did on Saturday has been bothering me badly for two days to where I am hurting and wanting to divorce my parents and not want them in my life today and I my future. I do not want dad, SBK, or my mom in my life anymore, PERIOD, because they piss me off by bringing up my damn past when it needs to stay in the past. I am in a darned funk for days and hours after their shitting display of so-called love and concern for me. Kicking me out of the house because I dropped pills on the flood by accident-ASSHOLES! I did not do it on purpose nor did I want to harm my sister KLK. Then, before my parents left, they said that KLK will be here for our Christmas get together, when all these years she worked for Target, she never came with them. The idea of me dropping my pills on the floor has angered me even more for them bringing that up. A big ‘oh, shit has been found once again! I rarely swear, but once I get going, it ends sooner or later once i finally get past it, but this time, I am feeling like shit to this moment in my time. Please, Jesus, give me more strength. What I life I am l and need to got back to my Christian roots with Jesus.i am losing it today!

Getting out of the clinic and trying to call You Buy We Fly to let them, and my ride know I am downstairs waiting for Daniel to pick me up was coming, and not getting through because my phone would call out. With the internet being funky and now my phone will not call out. Trying to call YBWF sixteen times, I went back upstairs to the dialysis clinic to have them call YBWF to find out when they were coming. I turned off my phone and turned it back on while clinic was calling the ride company. After calling YBWF, I headed back downstairs to wait for D (male) who is my driver. What else could go wrong today? Practically and definitely one more thing.

I wanted to talk to JP about my so-called bad day and funky ass mood, but that did did not happen tonight whatsoever. Getting sleep tonight will be pretty difficult I imagine. Not being able to talk to someone about my day is so important, and I wanted to talk to JP, not DC. Dang it. What a BBBBBAAAAADDDDD day it was today. When it rains, it pours. There was no getting past my bad today once it began. Did I have anything good happy happen today? Yes, I saw my I (female) today while on my way to dialysis this morning.❤️

Although I talked to JM through text the other day, I have not said anything to JM about anything. I cannot text her ‘I love you’ like I once did months ago, why? She has become a person I cannot trust her fully right now. She has not, in the past four months I have not texted her, I did not get anything from her whatsoever. Why not hear from her? What a true friend JM had turned out to be. Irately. We have not practiced getting into her vehicle awith my walker since now I can walk. When I invited her her over one Saturday afternoon afternoon after church, she did not text to say she was not coming, I texted her that evening she will not be invited over for a while. I will not have her without DH or JP here because I do not want her here with me alone anymore, and having JP here too would not be a great idea because their friendship makes me cringe my dislike. I do not like buddy buddy friendship. My friendship with JM is not like their friendship anyway. I think their friendship makes feel sick to my stomach. Yes, I feel like I have been put out to pasture with the rejects when those two are in the same room. No, I am not jealous; I am just pushed aside. JP acts too bubbly around JM that the friendship seems fake. I also feel I have chosen JM because of her closeness to NMS before she died a few years ago, and that is for the wrong reason.

I am very frustrated right now. DH needs to text JP to find out about today. The cable company is coming at 11AM this morning to look into something for JP. She thinks there is another place for the cable to be hooked up in the living room. I believe, honestly, that the spot she is looking at is an old phone jack. We will find out later unless JP forgot about the cable company is coming today.

Good Morning 

DH will be here within the hour to get me ready for my day. Yep, I’m up for the day now. Been watching Midsomer Murders on Tubi. The last episode a woman committed suicide but was able to confess her sins and wrong doings to DCI Barnaby. She did not want her niece to be convicted of the murder. The woman, telling her story to Barnaby was killing of three people. The woman passed away on her living room and the EMT’s took her out of the home on a stretcher and put her in an ambulance. What a horrible act this woman did for herself and her family. I have go now and rest a while before DH gets here.  

Good Morning 

DH will be here within the hour to get me ready for my day. Yep, I’m up for the day now. Been watching Midsomer Murders on Tubi. The last episode a woman committed suicide but was able to confess her sins and wrong doings to DCI Barnaby. She did not want her niece to be convicted of the murder. The woman, telling her story to Barnaby was killing of three people. The woman passed away on her living room and the EMT’s took her out of the home on a stretcher and put her in an ambulance. What a horrible act this woman did for herself and her family. I have go now and rest a while before DH gets here.  

Hmmm, knowing for a very long-time knowing Papa did not hold any job for years has now, today, pisses me off. Even though my mother married in 1993 in the wild Rose.chapel in the woods in Wild Rose with me as her witness and LLL’s brother BP as his witness, and my brother and SIL, and two daughters BLK and CAK were at the wedding. The reception was at a nice restaurant before they went on their honeymoon. Mom and LLL lived in Janesville, Wisconsin in a nice home on heritage street at that time until 1999 when they moved back to NM. They moved back up from NM to Wisconsin because Grandma and Grandpa Fox were getting up in years and she needed to be around more. All was good for a few years from 1992 to 1999. It was nice and good to have mom back for a while. With Grandma Fox dead on October 1, 1997, Grandpa Fox at St. Elisabeth’s for a couple of years before mon had him moved to a nursing home in NM in 1999 where I began to visit for years to come until 2010 when Grandpa CVF was alive from 2000-2003. The last time I saw Grandpa Fox alive was in 2002. The 2003 year had me nod wanting to miss school, especially Allegra class. Was i selfish? No, nor at all as Grandpa CVF would be proud that I stuck with school because I was struggling a little bit in my classes that were not math and English related. I was trying to get my associate degree in accounting, but I was only in my regular classes yet. I took college seriously until I dropped out of my accounting classes because. I could nod get past Accounting I and another accounting class I needed to pass. I had difficulty until I found an online accounting program I decided to get online at University of Phoenix. I got all of my regular classes done on line first then took Accounting classes I needed online get my degree online. I took one class at a time, too, excited about learning once again. Never gave up until I got my classes, either. I got my degrees in 2008 and 2010 with UOPhx! Just like my mom who got her college degree later in life her lifetime, I was getting my college degree at age 28 and 30. What a whirlwind. I was doing my best to not follow mom’s steps in her college days. I was trying not up follow my mother in any way, but I was failing and doing exact what my mom had done in her life. Today? Not as much,