Personal Thoughts Beginning to Be Revealed

I have not really expressed my feelings at times to the point that other people here at DD would get to know me. I have decided, not because other people are open here and sharing there most innermost thoughts about themselves, to share myself to others under the circumstances that I don’t get too personal and it hurts others. This is the first time I have decided this and it is almost scary on my part as a writer. At the same time, writing my feelings and life down for the whole world to see, I can share one of my favorite things to do in life —- writing. I love to write on a regular basis.


The Break Up

I am learning, even to this day, that breaking up with someone you love dearly is hard to do. The words, “breaking up is hard to do” chant in my head as I sit here thinking of the break up between my boyfriend and I. To be very honest with you, my boyfriend and I had broken up several weeks ago, and I have been sitting around at home thinking of the day we had broke up – with mutual understanding but my now ex-boyfriend asked me if he could find someone else. At that time I did not think anything horrible about it, but weeks later he has asked me if I wanted to date him again and I asked him if he was sure and he told me he was thinking about it. But then he later said that he did not want to break up with his current girlfriend. By then I knew who the person he was seeing because I had heard the news from another close friend of mine. After my ex-boyfriend asked me if I wanted to date him again had come up, I had realized that what he did was kind of dumb and stupid on his part. Then it dawned on me that his asking me if he could find another girlfriend really was just as dumb and stupid as well. I thought, if my ex-boyfriend and I were to remain friends, how could we get past the faults we both can see in each other. I began to see the faults in this guy and I bet he could see the faults in my life as well. I have been thinking about that in the past few days and I had called a good friend of mine irritated with this man’s faults and I just could not get past the fact that we were broken up and the thought of being friends was almost impossible. Why did the break up all of a sudden pop up in my life? Well, as a friend, my ex-boyfriend was not acting like a friend and I did not get one call from him for almost a month. The other day we did talk but I could not come up with the courage that maybe being friends would be impossible because I was so hurt by his actions in the past several weeks since we had broken up and that his asking me to have permission to find someone else and later ask if I wanted to date him again really was stupid and dumb and I did not want to be a part of his pattern of dating a girl more than once. What a life I live now and then, huh? It seems so complicated and almost comical and goofy! If only I could get past this break up point with my life. I am one of those people who takes the time to get over a break up before dating another man again and here my ex-boyfriend acts differently. It almost makes me wonder if he had this other girl on the prospect list he had created and planned to break up with me for some time as I was ready to cool it between us myself. We had gone our separate ways since I had started school in the Spring and our time together was very limited because of my studies and that he was always busy with something. Also our weekends were very different and I wanted to see him on Saturdays and he was hardly ever home on Saturdays when I was doing church things on Saturdays and wished that he would be a part of those church things now and then but his reaction was practically was thoughtless on his part. So why in the world am I ever wasting my time on this guy? I have a life to live and it does not include my ex-boyfriend anymore and I definitely don’t want to be the talk of his former relationship with his new girlfriend. Do I sound horrible and uncaring and terribly hurt?


This is one of the things I am having troubles with in my own life and anyone else who is having troubles with their boyfriends or girlfriends, I can definitely say, “I relate”. What I had shared here was not at all easy to write because i just wrote my side of the story and wrote my thoughts without the thoughts of my now ex-boyfriend. I knoow that what I had written and tried to get across to other people I know and don’t know was not easy and I am not the only one dealing with such a fact of life.

I am also working, still, on my feelings about Memorial Day this past Monday, and the thoughts of my experience of September 11, 2001. I will get to that real soon…as I plan to begin writing about me so you all get to know me as of June 1, 2002.

About ksmiley

I feel I am back to journaling once again.
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