I’ve Been Thinking…

I had read an entry earlier that got me to thinking of so many things. I have no idea where this entry is going at the moment, but it is going to go somewhere anyway, lol. With all that has been going on here where I live, my emotions have been playing a major part of it, and having my period never really seems to help. My phone has been ringing off the hook since a little after 10 a.m., lol. My hormones are just raging and talking to my surrogate mother a while ago really proves to me that being a woman is not easy. I can be moody everyday – period or not… Anyway, I have been looking so forward to getting away from here for a few days and going to my mother’s for Christmas is the best getaway for now for seven days. I have not slept well for a few days and I think that has hindered my emotions some too. I need a knockout pill – a sleeping pill – to get me to sleep the sleep I need. I did not get to bed until after 3 a.m. this morning and had only seven hours of sleep. I need more sleep but I don’t dare because I will not sleep well tonight.

I am not feeling right today. Everything seems to be me, me, me, again! I am not thinking of others very well today and it is driving me crazy for real. I do not feel right. So much is going on in my head that I can not sort it out and it is driving me crazy this second, moment, hour. I have not felt right for the past three or so hours. I want to go to bed but won’t!!!

There is one thing — an ongoing thing really — hat is bothering my mind. The neighbor is still on my mind — the first thing that just won’t leave my mind yet. I hate complaining and I hate writing about it over and over again, but how in the world am I going to let it go if I do not get everything out in the open in words. Satan has attacked me real bad before so it won’t be the first or last time for Satan to attack. I just feel that this neighbor, a beautiful woman in body for someone who is in her 70s, but with problems that I have no control over but my own, has done her damage, and now her situation is being taken care of. She has frightened me to the point that leaving my apartment has been a chore and sneaky. I do not know, which is none of my business anyway, if this neighbor is going to be living here much longer, with all the troubles she has caused here among her neighbors other than just me. My heart just does not feel right there.

Another thing that is on my mind is my depression from time to time. It bothers me and it makes things harder from time to time for everyone in my life as well. I have gotten to the point in my life if things need to be avoided or turned away, it will be done. Depression in my family is not an easy thing to deal with or accept. I feel I am the only one who accepts that depression does exist, but I do know that it is not entirely true. See, some of my thoughts are not always clearminded and that is what drives family members of mine crazy.

The third thing that drives me bananas is this — not jealous or anything, ok. It is the success of other family members. I do not always feel as succesful as others in my family. I have tried everything and done everything that makes me happy, but unhappiness seems to find its way into my life and those successful moments in my life disappear. I hate that when that does happen, too. It is embarrassing and a pain to deal with. I feel that being successful or not bothers family members a lot and they do not know what to do with me.

Now that I have expressed some major thoughts in my life to the world, I think I will go for now and come back later. I just want to go for now anyway. I am so tired and wanting to cuddle with Emilee Cuddles for a bit. Sabbath will be here shortly anyway.

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As a diarist and blogger, please bear with me as I continue to upgrade my blog as time moves forward. Thank you.

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