Not Holding Back … Again!

March 9

7 AM

I have decided to get up at 7 am to begin my day so I have time for myself and Bing Crosby before KH gets here to help me with my shower between 1130 – 12 noon this afternoon. I have no plans to go anywhere today or the rest of this week since I had all my appoints on Monday and my cleaning day yesterday. I enjoy journaling and writing so I have decided to begin journaling early as well as watch TV, do some reading, and of course eating breakfast before my shower gal gets here. Today is going to be a “comfortable clothes day” for me all day and tomorrow, and back to shower in the morning and my grocery shopping and food preparation day where I will have to be dressed so I can go out into the public decently. So my day has started early.

I Am Very Observant

Situation #1

I am a woman who is very observant of her surroundings and very careful. I have been very observant about how CSE treats her computer because she is down here practically every day helping me with things. She is abusive to her computer because she says her computer is not acting properly. I have told her many times to stop beating the mouse of the table because eventually she will have a mouse that will not work properly or not at all if she continues beating the mouse against the table because her computer is acting up on her. This is what she does… she beats her mouse against the table, slams the computer shut hard, beats on the keyboard from time to time, and has this angry look on her face as she looks away from the computer muttering words under her breath, and continues to not listen to me in the process. Last night I told that I would like to take her computer for a couple of days to see if it acts up with me. She did not respond to the idea but her expression showed that she did not like the idea at all, and gave me an attitude that her computer is screwed up. I personally thought that her beating up on it could be the problem as to why her computer is acting up on. To be very honest here, I do believe that her getting the computer instead of paying 2 to 3 months of rent to the management is getting back on her as well. I have had my E-machine for a while now – a year this summer – and I have not had any problems with it whatsoever. Her computer has the same operating system as mine and she is having problems with it. I asked her a few weeks ago if it is possible there is a virus on her computer but she insisted there was not a virus on her computer because she has a very good anti-virus program on her computer she had bought and activated. She said so as if I did not know what I was saying or did not know what the heck I was talking about. When I had learned she bought the computer and did not pay her rent for 2 to 3 months, I thought she was stupid in doing such a foolish thing because the management and property management, as well as Teamsters could have had her evicted for not paying her rent because she bought a $500 computer instead. If I was the landlord, I would have had given an eviction notice immediately and take her to court to get the back rent she owed me. During the time this was going on, she lied to me a lot so I did not have any communication with her for several weeks because what she did was not healthy. Now, with her beating up on her computer is not healthy either and if her computer does break down and she does not have it anymore, she is not going to be allowed to use any of my computers at all. I will tell her if she asks to borrow a computer of mine I am going to say no and that she will have to go to the library to use their computers because she is not going to be allowed to beat up on my computers like she did on her computer that is broken because of it. I am going to be truth with my words on this and she is not going to be on my computers anymore at all. She can go beat up on one of the library’s computers and be reprimanded when she is caught at it. I have no problems with any one of my computers and she is not going to create any problems with mine. I only allow people on my computers who do not abuse them. CSE abuses her computer. I can not wait until CSE’s computer breaks down so she does not have it anymore and has to save up all her money to get it fixed or a brand new one. I also believe her computer has defective parts in it – unlike mine. I do not know much about Toshiba computers either and that is the brand she does have. I have an E-machine computer and I do not have any problems with it whatsoever, and I also have a Mac desktop and IMac laptop as well and have no problems with them either. I believe CSE does not deserve to have a computer because she is abusive to it. I personally wish that the management was able to take her computer away as payment for back rent but legally their hands were probably tied. CSE will not be allowed to beat up on her computer mouse or computer anymore. She will have to go into the community room to be on her computer from now or she will start listening to me. She will have to start listening to me again or I will walk away from her again until further notice.

Situation #2

I saw MP walking his dog when I looked out the window and saw him and hearing his dog’s collar jingle. I called out to MP a hello but he did not call out a hello back. He did seem to be in a hurry to get somewhere with his dog since it was dark outdoors and when he does not talk to anyone, that usually means he is mad about something and in his own world. The attitude he throws off to other tenants then is snobbish and mean. I did not really take his attitude last night to heart because he gets this way often and his mood does switch back and forth from one mood to another. At one time I thought that maybe he was manic depressive but after having my last visit to PA for Thanksgiving, I realized that MP does not fit the manic depressive profile like my brother’s wife does.

Situation #3

I had gotten a call this morning and had the telephone across the room on its base charging for my shower gal from NMS. She had left a short message stating, “I did it again.” Meaning that she dialed the wrong number and not meaning to call me. I personally thought, to be very honest here, her leaving such a message like that was not very nice at all. I thought it was rude. She has called me several times in the past two to three years and I have answered to have her say, “oh, I dialed the wrong number and meant to call CSE or GA, sorry about that. I personally think she needs to take my phone number off her speed dial list and stop calling me at all. When she calls me by accident and tells me who she has meant to call hurts my feelings. I can not even count how many times she has called me by accident because it has been too many. I no longer have any communication with GA and I talk and see CSE daily because she helps me. I feel NMS calls my number on purpose!! I rarely call her anymore because of her negative attitude that she has because of her health problems. I do know for a fact that she is always in and out of depression and will not take medication to help her feel better because she does not like the side effects. I take medication for depression and medication for anxiety myself and I know the side effects but have not quit taking medication because of it. I have seen several changes in NMS since her niece worked here as a manager, gotten dismissed/fired, and left Wisconsin in a certain mood towards me because I did not sign a petition for legality purposes as well as remembering what I was told a couple of years before if any tenant signed a petition. I was not going to take any chances of losing my apartment because I signed a petition when LS’s boss had reasons to firing her in the first place. NMS and her niece LS have been holding the idea of me not signing her petition in her behalf over my head all these years. NMS has decided to cut off ties with me because of it. Because of the petition and LS being let go, NMS has been complaining a lot to the tenant who lives above her for making so much noise and for the 3rd floor tenant for taking showers after 10 pm, causing the management and property management wishing that she would just move out of the building and live elsewhere like Garden Court or Riverview Heights. NMS has been nothing but trouble to the newest tenant because of the noise she is not making after 10 pm. Before I moved to the 1st floor from the 3rd floor, I had a tenant who came up to my apartment bitching and complaining about the noise in my apartment throughout the day and after hours and did not say anything until that day about it, and I have never made any noise after 10 pm at night and the noise I make during the day is every day, daily living noises. Now being on the 1st floor and having a tenant above me in 213, I do have to say that I have a very quiet neighbor and know when her cat is playing and running about, and I always know when the tenant is home eating supper, coming home or leaving, and walking from kitchen to living room but she does not make excessive noise during the day if she is home or any excessive noise after 10 pm.

Another Thing About NMS

The reason why I have not told NMS how I feel about her calling me and finding out she dialed the wrong number, the fact that she has been holding a grudge against me because her niece LS got fired from the manager job here is because of the fact that she will go to her family, to LS, and tell her untrue version of her story to them and then the family will come back to me stating that I have been nothing but a liar because LS has told me so that I have lied to her more than once when she worked here and would never believe a word out of my mouth to be true ever again. NMS has been a liar for more than a year now and I will not have nothing to do with liars. NMS professes to be a believer in God but her actions and words prove otherwise. So that is why I have not said anything to NMS how much she has hurt me and has made me feel for the past 5 years or so making me feel that she is holding a grudge against me. She has been, like KM, very mean to me as well, and her actions have proven to be the true NMS – someone who can not be trusted and as a human being, have to be careful with. I will talk to her from time to time, though but not about certain things anymore. In other words, like with KM, I will be civil to NMS if she is in the public areas of the building such as the lobby and community room. If we have any functions here, she never participates in them anymore or takes her food to her apartment and eats alone or with whoever is visiting her at the time — Christmas meal or an occasional pot luck or gathering of other tenants in the building. She never really participates anymore – so unlike her when I first met her in 1998. Something is wrong with NMS!!!! I feel it! I see it! I do not know what to think of her anymore so I am not communicating with her much anymore. I won’t even go to church with her anymore even though she has said the “bus leaves by 10 am to get to church” anymore, either. It is sad I know but she has, to me, dug her own hole and have decided to kick me out of her life otherwise. She is not a true friend like I first thought when I first met her. She has hurt me this badly! I have cried myself to sleep many times because of her but lately I have not wasted my tears on her – not anymore anyway.
Situation #4

I live next door to the stairwell that is between my apartment and the elevator. This place has thin walls and floors so I can hear someone, all the time and on a daily and regular basis, open the door to the stairwell and walk up the stairs. Some tenants, not sure who they are, walk up the stairs heavily it sounds like a herd of elephants and not one person, lol. The door closes with a loud click – not a bang exactly – but loud enough to tell me that someone has or is using the stairs instead of the elevator. I will drive me crazy when tenants allow the door to shut loudly. It is like the door is being forced shut because a tenant he or she is upset. Noise carries from one end of the building to the other very well due to the way the building was built I guess. We have 50 apartments in the building.

I Am Doing It!

This title is PERFECT for my journaling today because I am getting all my feelings out into the open that have been inside me for years to several days now. I am not holding back anything anymore. I have ALWAYS been very good at expressing my feelings through journaling all of my life anyway. I have gotten my first diary when I was 12 years old as a gift from a relative of my mom’s husband – his youngest sister D and have been writing in a diary or journal ever since. I do believe I got my first diary for my 12th birthday. I have been walked upon, verbally abused, and teased all of my life by my peers because to them I was different and they were feeling bad about themselves, bullied, and more importantly, been told shut up and not say anything or I would never see certain family members ever again, and every time I visited my brother and his family in PA, I would find out the day I get back home or days later what I did or said wrong as if I was nothing to them but someone to abuse emotionally. I know – it is very sad because I know what I did or did not do or did or did not say. It was just all drummed up stuff that his wife, mentally ill as she is, would tell him after I leave. She would be sweet to you in your face but she would talk nasty things about you behind your back the moment you are no longer present. She has always been a two-faced bitch in my eyes and now my parents in AR know exactly what type of person my brother’s wife is – a nasty piece of work and a liar. She is awful!!! So I have been sharing my feelings openly here for a while now not holding back and not caring who is spying on me online anymore. I know my brother and his wife have been spying on me for a long time now. That is how low my brother has stepped lately. It is very sad … indeed sad! I also believe it is very rude as well to be very honest. I know my brother and his wife – his wife actually and their three kids have facebook pages but they have me blocked so there is absolutely no communication whatsoever, their phone number changed so no phone calls from my parents in AR, my sister in KS, and no communication with me whatsoever either. I have decided to no longer hold back my true and honest feelings to the world anymore. Dear Diary is my place I can call home and escape to from time to time – everyday actually – and feel I am definitely a normal person with problems just like everyone else. I am a human being with feelings, thoughts, and emotions, too! I am a normal human being. Dear Diary is my world and I will share my world with the entire Dear Diary world forever!!! YAY!<p
I Will BeBack Tomorrow

I am signing off for the night and will be back sometime tomorrow. I have had my shower on Monday, appointments Monday afternoon, had cleaned my apartment yesterday with help from my caseworker MM, had my shower this afternoon when KH got here, and got into comfortable clothes for the rest of the day and tomorrow, and have plans to go grocery shopping and meal preparation on Friday, but not sure if I will see J on Friday yet or not. I will be back tomorrow.

Author: ksmiley

As a diarist and blogger, please bear with me as I continue to upgrade my blog as time moves forward. Thank you.

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