Frustrated – All I Can Do is Pray Now

Can Not Expect Anything from CSE Anymore

I do not know how many times I have gotten so frustrated with my friend CSE because I have lost count.  I had written a message to her on Facebook on January 1st and she never even look at what I found most important in the message.  It was how she wrote me an email.  The words that were used were words that a person with mental issues would use, and I was appalled and actually frightened of the email she sent me and the words she used, I would never use myself.  The words murdered murder were in the letter she sent me, and I would use those words in if I was concerned about our friendship.  Yes, I am CONCERNED about our friendship.  I am CONCERNED for CSE to be very honest here.  I can not have anything to do with her at this time and yet I have her on my Facebook list of friends.  I have saved our friendship for only that.  I wish not to have her in my life outside the building anymore anyway.  She has concerned me so much that I have had to find a new avenue to be happy without her.  Her world is not stable and mine will not be if I continue having a friendship outside the building with her.  I can not have any more breakdowns and emotional problems.  The last major breakdown I have had was in March 2012 and that was scary enough.  Having depression and an anxiety and panic disorder is absolutely no fun.  All I can do for her now is pray for her.  I have not lost hope in CSE but I have lost hope in our friendship.  Yes, she has every right to be concerned about our friendship.  There isn’t really one there anymore.  She has decided to fall away and become distant, and only read or hear what she wants to hear now-a-days.  The letter I wrote her was very important for her to read and understand but I guess I have wasted my thoughts to her about us.  I really can not help her anymore.  I have been totally drained from this whole situation.

To be very honest, I still wonder why I have been wasting my time with CSE on Facebook.  I should not even have to deal with her there, too.  I know she needs help but she is the ONLY one who can actually get the help she needs with her health issues.  I believe she will have to hit rock bottom before she gets help.  I am not even sure, honesty is the best policy, that her living arrangements is the best for her either.  I have a feeling that her friend has put her up with some of the things she says and does on Facebook.  CSE can live her own life without someone meddling in it with her and causing her to have more problems.  I can not even trust her friend right now either.  I think her friend took on more than she can chew in my way of thinking.  I know I took on more than I can chew with CSE myself.  My physical, emotional, and overall health can tell anyone that these days.  Dropping CSE from Facebook right now would not be a good idea.  She needs friends and family who care about her.  I may not be a “friend” to her at this time or wish to be a “friend” to her right now, but I still have a heart that cares for her. I am working on my patience and forgiveness aspects of my life right now and I do forgive what has gone on between me and CSE but I have a problem of forgetting.  My heart aches as well as CSE’s.


Author: ksmiley

As a diarist and blogger, please bear with me as I continue to upgrade my blog as time moves forward. Thank you.

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