Changes Happening

I am here today wanting to share a little about myself.  For the past three weeks, I have been busy looking for a new caregiver since DKF left.  I did find someone, and we met on Tuesday.  She is MK.  She comes every day except for Sunday.  I have made Sunday my day after being dialyzed three times a week on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, and having worship with my boyfriend and his Mom Saturday afternoon when I get done with treatment.  I want to have at least one day to myself these days.  For the past three weeks, I have been dealing with anxiety and thoughts.

Yes, I have been dealing with anxiety that I was pretty upset about on Tuesday.  I was having a time remembering what happened two years ago while I was in the hospital.  I was at a point where I felt like I was failing to find a caregiver to help me with bathing and dressing.  At the same time, I am happy that I do not have drama surrounding me anymore.  The only drama I have to worry about, if any, is the drama I create.  I am not a drama queen, thank goodness.  From now on, I will walk away from it.

Here I am wondering why I have a hard time remembering to ask Jesus to help me through a difficult time.  My face gets warm, my ears feel arm, I get warm like having a temperature, and my body doesn’t cooperate.  I go on in a tangent of thoughts that something is wrong.  I thought I had a UTI, but I don’t.  I went to get catheterized because I couldn’t urinate, and it came back after the culture saying no growing bacteria.  I had the symptoms minus the burning.  I have had silent UTIs in the past – a couple anyway.  The pressure down there was very uncomfortable.  My nephrologist Dr. A prescribed Amoxicillin to take one pill two times a day at 500 mg.  The pressure is not as bad as yesterday.  During that time, my anxiety made me think that the ER doctor would find something else wrong with me when the nurse said she was going to ultrasound the bladder to see how much urine was in the bladder.  The thought was ‘I have bladder cancer.” You can see that my anxiety can turn into scenarios that do not exist, and this is when I need to remember to turn to Jesus.  For those who understand what I am saying and asking, please pray with/for me.  Thank you.

I am not perfect, nor do I think I am.  I am flawed.  I am a sinner who wishes to listen to God’s words.  I am an observer, and sometimes, es I do not like what I see.  I am a person who wants to do things right when things do not.  Even though change is hard for me, I know change is good at times.  I have been getting ready to make a change in my life, a move.  This move is moving to another apartment complex and leave Burbank Plaza.  Even though I have made some changes in my routine here after DKF left, I want to get a new lease in life somewhere else where DKF has not made memories with me.  I was talking about moving when she was my caregiver, and I am making it happen.  DKF is not the reason why I am leaving Burbank.  I am going because the tenants here do not follow the rules of living here.  Yes, there are tenants at the other place who do not follow the rules, too, but I will keep to myself and associate with JS and KW – my two friends, and the management is good, and the place is lovely. 

Author: ksmiley

As a diarist and blogger, please bear with me as I continue to upgrade my blog as time moves forward. Thank you.

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