The Nagging

Have you ever had a thought or thoughts that nag at you and won’t leave you alone? I sure have, and I have thoughts that are still with me. I do not know if it is because I was hurt when JO said some not-so-nice things and said, ‘if you don’t understand I am sick, then we can’t be friends.’ or ‘you selfish.’ She tried to message me again after creating a new Facebook page or using an old account to say, ‘I’m sorry.’, ‘for my part,’ ‘I’m always apologizing. .’It doesn’t work for me anymore. I have dialysis three times a week/twelve times a month, and I do not leave my apartment unless I go to treatment or an appointment. I just started leaving my apartment to go downstairs to visit a dear friend and go down there once or twice a week. Otherwise, I do not leave the building because Covid is rampant. I wear my mask everywhere I go these days. Since 2019, my trust in people I do not know I am unsure about, and JO, a friend at one time but has chosen to dissolve the friendship, has crossed the line for not the first time acting like a child or a middle or high schooler. Even my caregiver knows JO from school, and JO’s behavior and attitude go her way because she thinks of herself and not others. Yes, JO gets sick easily, but I have dialysis to help the transplanted kidney I had for thirty-one years in 2019. I have to have dialysis to live and normally thrive in this big and sometimes confusing world. Yes, sometimes it may not be fair, but we have to move on with our lives where it’s comfortable. 

Please do not think my heart is cold or hardened to the point that I will not be nice to JO. I will be civil to her if and when I see her. I cannot trust her anymore. I believe she has been lying to me, and her making plans with me and not carrying them out was happening a lot. I do understand that she is sick a lot, but I’ve seen her out and about doing laundry. One day I saw her with a gentleman with a dog, who at first was thought to be CN, an old friend I would not be friends with because of his abuse of JO years ago, but the gentleman happens to be her new boyfriend. Maybe now those nagging thoughts can and will go away. 

Author: ksmiley

As a diarist and blogger, please bear with me as I continue to upgrade my blog as time moves forward. Thank you.

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