I am awake for a while watching Midsomer Murders on Tubi this morning. JP will be here by 10 AM while DH will be here at 7:30 AM for an hour before she goes to Bethel Baptist Church for Bible study and worship service. I guess MP, a friend of DH’s and my Garden Court neighbor on the third floor is going to church with DH today. Good for both of them.

Yesterday’s company at 11 AM and 3 PM was a lot of company. Too bad my parents were not here at 3 PM when my boyfriend and his mom came. They missed meeting him. Yep, I have a boyfriend who I love dearly, and they have not met him yet, and we have been together nine years now. I have NOTHING TO HIDE HERE. My parents have never met KB to this day.

I have been thinking of my mom and her abandoning her mother duties in 1982 and Dad getting custody of us kids at age 12 (me) and my brother GLK at age 16. It was not thought of as abandoning us because I was too young to understand it. At least I had dad and his wife as my parents at the time. No, I did not know that SBK was the woman he had an affair with that broke up mon and dad’s marriage in 1979 when dad left home as we kids watched dad walk down the stairs to the garage to leave in his blue truck. I had tears running down my cheeks and my brother was standing next to me by our bathroom and bedrooms. I was, not knowing the word yet at age 9, dumbfounded and confused by dad’s leaving, and not loving mon anymore. What a traumatic experience for a 9-year-old. Oh, my GOODNESS GRACIOUS, Jesus. What an experience one day can destroy happiness for a while and not be forgotten for years to come. Did I expect to remember this 44 years later—probably not because I do have a good memory.

Understanding now that mom threw away her mom duties today, I am glad I do not have any two legged children myself. I would really not want my mom to know know them and shed her love to the kids. With my brother having three kids now grown and out of the home, the kids do not know their Grandma, our mother. The last time mom saw and heard the kids was BLK, CAK and RK were small. RK was a baby. The kids do not know or remember my mother. GLK and mom stopped communicating when RK was a baby. Seeing a scene between Mom, Papa, and TAK was enough to know something bad was going to happen for my New Mexico parents who had a home in Janesville, Wisconsin at that time. My mother can put her foot in a big sinkhole at times. I do not feel sorry for my mom anymore. I am angrier with her today, and I do not know what to do about it. A mother who abandoned her duties as a parent and now does not have the money to come visit for a few days and has a husband who does not keep jobs for long or never retired from any of his jobs and hobbies. Yeah, I am pissed off, and unfortunately, I am mad at the wrong parent again. I need to be mad at my mom for abandoning me and her mother duties, and not at my dad, but I am kind of mad at him for not teaching me to have a backbone or thicker skin. I am very emotional and deal with anxiety and depression during the winter months we have from October to March when spring returns for another season of sun and warmth. I wonder what this winter will bring. I guess we will find out soon enough.

With time ticking by, I need to go for now. I will write more later. TTFN…