11/4

Posted on November 4, 2003 by ksmiley



I wanted to write in my journal yesterday but when I got home from school, I ended up taking a nap from 3:30 p.m. – 5:30 p.m., and I did not really have the energy to do anything really. I did not get on line until after 6 p.m., after mustering the energy to do so and get some homework done. I was having one of those evenings where I didn’t care if the computer was up and running or not. Anyway, I am here now and ready for my day, but it has been a slow start. I am at school waiting for class to begin. I have some homework to get caught up on since I missed three days of school last week. With it raining as much as it has been since Friday, it has been kind of gloomy and boring, and so gray and dark! It is something I am not used to as I get moody during this time. Even Rick seems to not fully understand this but then again he’s a man and men do not understand women when it comes to the moodiness of women. I hate men sometimes.

A New Look In Progress

A new, wintery look is in progress.

Taking A Moment

I really do not have anything to say right now. Just wanted to take a moment now to say good night and I will be back tomorrow. The next few weeks of school will be long, hard, and worthwhile. I have to go.

____________________



Reading Another Entry Has Sparked Something in My Mind Just Now!

I have my special diaries to read on a regular basis. Titles spark my interest and there I go and read a journal entry. Sometimes, which if not more than once a week or so, someone writes his or her thoughts for the whole world to see, and it sparks something in my very own mind. I was reading an entry, written by Monstergue – her November 5 entry, when I realized that I am sick and tired of people stepping all over me and I bow down to them to satisfy whatever hunger that someone has. I am sick and tired of being a weakling as far as emotions go. I am sick and tired of calling people because someone has said something that really hurts me because that one person may have some issues of their own to deal with and again want control. No, I am not talking about Rick even though I am dealing with his little insecurities quite often lately. I need to be stronger!

___________________



Monstergue,

Please, whatever you do, do not give up the fight just yet. Do not bow down to those relatives of yours to satisfy their whims. If you need to give up the fight later on, please understand that it is ok to give up then AFTER you looked at the pros and cons and weighed everything out.


Kristi / Ksmiley

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

11/2

Posted on November 3, 2003 by ksmiley

A Question Creeps Up in My Mind Tonight

Even though I have seen the movie some time back when it first aired, I watched the movie once again this afternoon. It was about the JonBenet Ramsey murder case. My heart thinks that a family member did kill the little six year old girl and my thinking goes towards Pasty Ramsey, the mother and or Jonbenet’s brother. I would, even though I am not investigating the issue, like to hear ideas of what other Dear Diary readers think who killed the little girl and why your thoughts are going in the direction they are going. This is not a poll or an investigation. i was just asking an honest question.

The Daylight Savings Time Thought

It has been 7 days since we turned back the clocks an hour and now it gets dark at an earlier time. I am not used to the time change by seeing the darkness by 5 p.m. even though I have seen time go backwards and forwards one hour as long as I can remember. The time change made Halloween night seem spooky and full of spooks going around the neighborhood saying trick and treat at doors receiving candy in cute bags. It is only 6:13 p.m. now and it feels like bedtime and after 10 p.m.. It is an awful and awkward feeling.

Heard From Family Today

It was a year ago this summer I saw my brother and his family after a four year quiet spell I did not quite understand. I did not get to see my brother and family this summer but I am going to for the Thanksgiving holiday this year. My sister-in-law, who I have known since I was in grade school and I consider a sister than anything else, called me this morning and we chatted a bit. I am so excited about going to PA for the holiday and I am all geared up emotionally and physically for this trip and visit. YEAH! I heard from my PA family today. I am one happy camper there.

Remembering R. Cummings

My heart, even though joyful over the upcoming holiday visit with my PA family, is still aching over the lost of a neighbor. I cried earlier today but I am not sure why the tears flowed down my cheeks. My heart aches for the family who has lost their loved one to death this past Friday, October 31, 2003.

Feeling of Emotional Upset

Tomorrow, Nellie’s sister will be laid to rest and the funeral will be tomorrow.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

11/1

Posted on November 1, 2003 by ksmiley

A New Font/A New Look

I personally think that the font I have chosen, BernhardFashion BT, gives my journal a personal touch today. I have given it a slightly different look as far as color of font and what font to use, but I felt I needed a change again. Nothing stays the same in this house for very long for some reason or other I can not quite explain. I like the style that BernhardFashion BT gives but I think it is somewhat hard to read at times, so if you have troubles reading it or you d0 not have that font on your computer, I have learned that not all fonts are noticed from one computer to the next for some reason. Right now I am waiting for my company to arrive to do Bible Study and then I will have the house to myself once again. I will write more later…PROMISE!

Before the Night Actually Leaves Me!

I just looked at the time and I have been on line 2 1/2 hours now. I should be in bed right now. I just got over the flu and I am feeling pretty good again. Earlier tonight, though, I felt some chills go up my spine every once in a while. I am going to sign off now and come back sometime tomorrow IF I have time to write anything. This weekend – the last four days have been awkward for me. I have to run now. Good night!

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

10/31

Posted on October 31, 2003 by ksmiley



In Loving Memory

R. Cummings

Nellie Mom’s sister died today around 7:15 a.m..

Halloween?

Although Halloween is not celebrated by me any longer, I do think there are some real cute costumes out there for the kids and grown ups who do Halloween. I wish that Halloween was not dressing up in a costume, going door to door, and getting candy from strangers and/or friends. I wish it did not exist and was a tradition. For the past month I have been ill with anxieties and the last couple of days I have dealt with some kind of flu bug — missing three days of school. I have been having nightmares and bad dreams regarding Halloween festivities and celebrations. It scares me to know that Halloween is a holiday for evil spirits and witchcraft and other spookies. I am so glad that I live in an security locked building where trick and treating is prohibited. I have not given out candy for the past several years for reasons that Halloween no longer interests me — it scares me. Halloween should not be celebrated but then again everyone is entitled to their opinions and decisions in life. i am only one person.

12 – 12:30 a.m.

Talk about Halloween being a bad night for pranks or weird things happening. I had a weird thing happen while asleep on the futon. My smoke detector malfuction twice, waking me up to a sound that seemed further away than in the hallway. I was half asleep and unsure of what was going on. When I jumped off the futon, I practically lost my balance staying on my weakened from the flu legs, and I went to the source of the wailing smoke detector, seeing no smoke or smelling of anything burning. I opened the bedroom door and did not see any smoke or smell any burning smells but I thought something was going on. I knew, in my heart, that Nellie Mom and her neice were at the hospital with Nellie’s sister, who died at 7:15 a.m. this morning, so I did not jump to hysterics or run for help. When I had awakened this morning, knowing that the office would not be open today, I called management in Milton and told them what happened last night, and within two hours, Jimmy, the maintenance man, came in with a new smoke detector, detached the malfunctioning one, and hooked the up the new one, and ever since then, I have been feeling a peace of quiet I was afraid was going to be disturbed throughout the rest of the night. All I had was a malfunctioning smoke detector that needed to be replaced and from what I understood by Jimmy, other detectors have malfunctioned as well. Here I thought that someone in the building was burning somethinig and the smoke got into my apartment, but there was no smoke smelled or seen. I also thought that a tenant, which we do have some real nasty ones, were playing a nasty prank on me, or the flu bug I have been having lately had really gone to my head and nothing was making any sense anymore. THE SMOKE DETECTOR HAD TO MALFUNCTION ON OCTOBER 31, 2003 – ON HALLOWEEN! EEEK!

My Boyfriend Rick

I really do not know what is Rick’s problem these days but I have been seeing a quality of him I have never seen before. I hate it when true colors come out later in a relationship which makes a relationship rocky. One of Rick’s problems is being with me 24/7. Even yesterday, not feeling well this entire week, he came over to help clean my house, and he had an attitude that was scary and so I did not say anything much. In fact, I did not have the energy to say much or argue. I am wondering if he is controlling and trying to run my life more than I once figured some time ago. I know having Rick over here all the time will cause our relationship to falter and I think that is exactly what is happening. I believe that our relationship is going downhill and I need to move on. I do not want abuse in my home or on me whatsoever. I will NOT allow Rick or any man control me to their full extent. I thought I was seeing the “not good side” of him. I am afraid of him now than I ever was when I first met him.

_____



I am going to write more later!

I do not usually write in my personal journal duriing Friday sundown to Saturday sundown but I did promise I woulld be back later in so many words.

_____

KIDS!

Four kids were caught throwing rocks in the apartment yard under my window. While four kids were throwing rocks anywhere possible. KIDS and their pranks that can be harmful and nasty. Even the paperboy did not deliver his papers the way they were supposed to be delivered but at least I got mine, LOL

The Flu!

I have been sick before…but this sick in a long time. YUCK!

One Last Entry For The Night

It is time, according to Emilee Cuddles, for me to go to bed. LOL!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

10/29

Posted on October 29, 2003 by ksmiley





How Can People Be So Cruel?

I have done nothing to anyone to deserve the kind of cruelty I have been receiving lately. Someone told me something that tugged at my heart strings to the point the tears flowed down my cheeks in the privacy my own home and I felt angry and hurt. I wanted to confront the person about her cruelty but then I considered the source and let the confrontation not exist. Even two days later, my heart still aches at such cruelty and nonsense. I am somewhat laughing about it now considering the source of the words and why they even came into play but the way the words were said and who heard them other than the person who said it, myself, and two people I do not know.

Get this! I am even having difficulties with the delivery of the papper! The paperboy, a young kid, seems to have an attitude that makes a whole room smell like rotten garbage. It seems that this kid has something against me and he is just causing so much trouble doing his delivery of papers.

I have no idea why people can be so cruel when I do not do anything to deserve such treatment or unkindness. I do have a right to complain and fume about what is bothersome just like everyone else.



_____

I Have Been Thinking

While sitting here at home, having time to myself without Rick around, I am seeing what kind of person he has turned out to be. I see the real Rick now. He is not abusive but he is surely possessive and I think he is controling. I will not take any controlling man into my life without a fight it seems. I love Rick, but he does not have to dominate my life which I am beginning to see. I have asked him, even though it was with some hrashness in voice, not to call me after 8 a.m. in the morning because I am just ab0ut ready to walk out the door to the bus stop. He CALLED ME this morning at 8:11 a.m. when I was getting ready to leave. He calls my home phone and my cell phone and I have askekd him to only call twice a day. He calls me at awkward times and that is bothersome! I have been thinking and seeing what kind of person Rick can be and he NEEDS TO GROW UP. He is insecure in many areas in his life and he IS TWO YEARS older than ME?! I have been wondering, a lot lately, if this relationship is going to last, and I am not sure of it right now.



_____

Need A Break

What is going on with Rick?



_____

I Did NOT get the paper tonight!

The paperboy did not get the paper tonight.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

10/26/03

Posted on October 26, 2003 by ksmiley

I thought, before Rick even came over, I would write in my journal quickly. Had a bath and washed my hair. It felt good to soak until the water became lukewarm. It is chilly outdoors but not cold cold yet. I live on the third floor and so the heat rises. In fact, ifi I have my windows shut, I have to turn the air conditioner on to get cool in here. Emilee has been seen very little today but when she wants, she does let me know that she is fine. What a very independent cat she is. As a matter of fact, she just made her presence known in front of me by the computer here, lol. Rick will be here shortly and I have my reservations about him being here today – even today. I got a call from my Nellie Mom a little bit ago regarding her nephew who is in the hospital having a spinal tap done because there is a possibility he has mengitis. OUCH! I can tell you…this weekend is definitely goofy and strange. I called my friend KAW and woke her up! I hate that when I do that. I tried to tell her about the little boy…Nellie Mom’s nephew and the possibility of him having spinal mengitis. Rick will be here shortly…yet I do not know what time, lol. I did say 2 p.m., but he might be late. LOL I am going to sign off for the time being and get back to writiing later.

6:33 p.m.

I am back to writing in my journal now. Rick left for home to take a nap before work about 5:30 p.m.. He was FALLING ASLEEP ON MY FUTON! I made him go home to take a nap so he would be fresh for another work day. Anyway, I was ready for company to go for the night. I did not see Emilee very much today and she has been hiding a lot, lol I will be getting back to writing later…

8:23 p.m.

I am having one of those nights…company is gone, the lights are off and my computer is up and running, and the tv is on behind me. I am tired but I cannot sleep right now. If I do, I will not sleep through the night. Rick is home … never called me to let me know he got home safely. I wonder if he is sulking because I sent him home to take a nap before he went to work in the morning. I wonder if I made him mad. hmmm?

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

10/25/03

Posted on October 25, 2003 by ksmiley

I am having one of those days where I will answer the phone to specific people, I do not want any company at all today, and I am bored to death. Imagine that! This morning Rick calls me at 9 a.m. bothered by getting a lot of phone callsthat were not identifiable. Calling me at 9 a.m., even when he was not asked to, really made my blood boil. I was grumpy and very happy. I wanted to be left alone until after 11 a.m.. Because I needed him, he had his phone turned off so he could dodge the phone calls and he wanted to come over here. When he finally called, in return to my three calls, I felt it was too late for him to coome over even though it was only 2 p.m. in the afternoon. By then, I did not want anyone coming over or calling I did not want to talk to. Even when the phone rang, a few minutes ago, I turned it off when I realized it was Rick who was calling me. I did not want to talk to him right then. I am bored and grumpy today.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

October 24, 2003

Posted on October 24, 2003 by ksmiley



It has been one of those days today. I did not go to class at 11 a.m. As a matter of fact, I stayed home from school today. My period was very heavy and the weather outdoors is cold and wet and rainy. I withdrew from accounting 1 Wednesday afternoon and will retake the class next Fall. Tonight I will be helping out at the Fall Carnival at school/BTC with my friend Jess. She will be here to pick me up in a few minutes and I am ready to go pretty much right now. I do not think I will be on anymore tonight but I will be on tomorrow. Good night and God Bless!

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

October 22, 2003

Posted on October 22, 2003 by ksmiley

I had to make a big decision today. I withdrew from my accounting 1 class today and will retake the class next Fall.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

October 21, 2003

Posted on October 21, 2003 by ksmiley

I have to go to bed now. I have a test tomorrow. Good night everyone.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment