A Poem My “Surrogate” Mom Shared With Me

Posted on March 2, 2003 by ksmiley

Grandpa Clarence

No farewell words were spoken,

No time to say good-bye.

You were gone before we knew it

And only God knows why.

Our hears still ache with sadness,

And secret tears still flow.

What it meant to lose you,

No one will ever know.

Deep in our thoughts you will always stay,

Loved and remembered every day.

The poemshared here was in the paper today and Nellie Mom shared it with me with a note saying:

Kris, this was in todays paper, and I thought it said what you have been trying to say, so am sending it on. LLM

The words in the poem is exactly what I tried to express the other day but could not come out.

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Sunday, March 2,2003 – 2

Posted on March 2, 2003 by ksmiley



I am still bothered about that e-mail from my friend’s husband that happened on Monday. My brain is beginning to feel that my friend’s husband does not want me in his wife’s life at all. I do not think that is totally fair and unruly. A trust issue is not there and I am not feeling so comfortable now. I have other problems that need my attention right now.

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Sunday, Mar 2, 2003 – 1

Posted on March 2, 2003 by ksmiley



This is the first entry of the day and I am not sure if I am going to write anymore today at this time and rate. I am feeling moody again today. I went for a walk with my Friend REB last night about 8 p.m. and sleep has been somewhat difficult to find last night so I am going to drank some nighty night timme tea tonight before going to bed. It seemed to help the other night. As for right now, it is going on 11:30 a.m. here on Sunday, and it is sunny outdoors but chilly. It is a little colder than it was last night when I went for a walk with REB just around the block. Theh walk was great, the weather was fantastic. Where did our winter go? We have had very little snow thisi winter which is something anyway I could do without having agreemennt with other people of Wisconsin. Winter is yucky but has been bearable this season. Not much is going on right now really. I am listening and watching television cartoons on the Cartoon Channel. Yesterday did not seem likea Sabbath to me when it should have been! How bad is that? Not good anyway!!!

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My Thoughts at the Moment

Posted on March 1, 2003 by ksmiley



I am shifting from mood to mood right now. Emilee just came by me to check on me and then went to the back of the recliner to lay down. It has been very quiet part of the day. I had a neighbor who had a grandchild visiting and he was crying a lot in the hallway. I do not know why this child was crying but I have a good idea he did not get his way about something. Earlier today I visited a friend of mine with my friend Mark and I had mixed feelings about the visit. I am glad I did go see her though. I do not know when I will see my friend again but I do know that it will be a while until I see her again unless another friend decides to go see my friend. Otherwise I have been in my apartment in my pajamms all afternoon long resting and I did take a short cat nap about 3 p.m.. I have not been sleeping very well. This is not a good life. I am still having difficulty with my Grandpa Clarence being gone. My sleeping pattern has been off since Feb 15 and I am getting very tired of this offness of life. It takes time I know but I want it to end soon – VERY SOON!

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The Last Day of February!

Posted on February 28, 2003 by ksmiley



I can not believe that it is the last day of February already. Somewhat, to be honest here, the month has been both fast and slow. At the beginning of this week I did not wear my watch because time moved at a pace I could not understand. Looking at any time piece – a clock and watch – practically drove me crazy. Time was not always on my side this week and pretty much since my Grandpa Clarence passed away. I took, the slowness of time, a part of my grieving experience of losing Grandpa Clarence as well as a nuisance and a hinderance. There was one time I wished I had my watch on when I was Oral Communications since most of the classrooms no longer have a clock. As far as February goes, I am glad that is now February 28th.

I can not believe that it will be two weeks tomorrow since my Grandpa Clarence passed away. Time and speed has been somewhat on muy side here. Thankfully. I am still feeling the pressures of this month being both good and bad and everything else that goes along with it. In fact, thinking of my Monday appointment with my dietitian, I got mixed up with my appointment with my counselor at 12 noon. Looking at the time being 10:55 a.m., I have to leave here (school) in a few minutes to catch my ride to the appointment. Time is confusing sometimes.

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Memories Galore!

Posted on February 27, 2003 by ksmiley



Whenever I have a chance I write in my journal I have made of my Grandpa Clarence. It is not a lot at the moment but I have a total of 46 memories so far of what I remember of my grandfather- grandma uincluded of course. As I was sitting and relaxing in the tub I was remembering one of those memories. My Grandpa Clarence used to call me “peanuts” from the “peanuts” gang that Charles Shultz created. I hated it with a passion that he would call me that nickname but it did grow on me after all these years. I wonder why, today, whuy I did not like being called “peanuts”. I wish tbat Grandpa Clarence would call me that one last time. I do miss that as well as missing my Grandpa Clarence.

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Tea

Posted on February 27, 2003 by ksmiley



I had asked Nellie Mom about nighty night time tea or something just as soothing. She had given me two bags with four tea bags of relaxing tea last night and I drank a cup. Within an hour my body was relaxing and soon my eyes were getting droopy and tired. I went to bed at 10 p.m. when the Disney cartoon Teacher’s Pet – a silly show – came on. I had fallen asleep and awakened to the light flooding my bedroom telling me it was morning at 6:30 a.m. I had awakened about 45 minutes before my alarm sounded and I felt refreshed. I am a little tired of being tired and so my sleeping pattern needs to be put back in order.

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The Feeling of Pressure

Posted on February 26, 2003 by ksmiley



My emotions have been bottled up long enough and now I am beginning to feel the pressure build up inside me. It is not a good feeling. One second I am laughing, the next I am wanting to cry, then I feel angry. I do not want a specific person at the memorial and I hope he does not show up. I am beginning to feel the pressure. Honestly, this has been a r0ugh eleven days – counting the days after Grandpa Clarence died. It will be two weeks this coming Saturday! WOW!

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My Condolences to the Sinclair Family

Posted on February 26, 2003 by ksmiley



I would like to pass my condolences to C and J Sinclair for their loss of C’s Mother Monday evening. My heart goes out to them in prayer and understanding of their loss. Losing my Grandpa Clarence on the 15th of February I have noticed that death has been surrounding a lot of people and not just around me. Death is both sad and happy – if I make sense. When someone has been sick or ill for any length of time and death is close at hand, it is nice to know that the person who was sick is no longer in pain or suffering. May God give comfort and peace to the Sinclair’s and friends at this time.

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Am I Feeling Better Now?

Posted on February 25, 2003 by ksmiley



After writing the first entry of the day I realized that I needed to get out of my apartment for a while- finding myself away from home for about five hours. I had gotten together with a friend this afternoon and went to get a few things I needed and wantned as belated Christmnas presents from my Arkansas parents. I had gotten a camera and an electric can opener with my Christmas money from my dad. I also, with my own money, got some personal itens since I have my period, now. YUCK! I also got a large posterboard to begin making a collage of Grandpa Clarence pictures for the memorial service on March 31st. I just did not feel so good, though. It felt weird being out and about.

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