Another Night of No Sleep – Missing School Again Today



Last night I felt that my right to grieve the loss of my Grandpa Clarence was taken away from me. I thought that I had been given the not ok to miss my Grandpa Ckarence because of someone writing me an e-mail in reply to what I had written to a friend. I had gotten a reply directly from the person I had e-mailed this morning but last night I had gotten a reply from her husband because he had read her e-mail and thought that everything was about me. I had gotten very upset even considering the source is not a good source. I missed school again today because I did not get any due to thinking and dreaming about Grandpa Clarence, and the e-mail had triggered some feelings that were all negative. The pain, the loss, the numbness is back all over again!

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Good Night



Good night!

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I Do Have Admit: My Day Was…



Being at school today was not as bad as it was like last week. I did not feel like I was walking in a fog like last week. I know I am still in the healing process of losing Grandpa Clarence. Time, however, has been nothing to me these past nine days. It has been slowed down to the point that I did fee I was just going through the motions of my life Every time I looked at the time it seems to not move. I did not wear my watch today because it would have been a disaster…a pain the bottom. I did feel strange and somewhat naked without my watch but I survived just fine. I did wish I had my watch on my wrist in Oral Communications because they have taken many clocks out of the classrooms. Even then the time seemed to be slow moving. It was definitely a manic Monday, LOL

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The Beginning of Healing



We have yet to have the memorial and burial for my Grandpa Clarence but I have been noticing that I am at the very beginning of the healing process of losing my grandpa. Yesterday afternoon about 1 p.m., I went witn Nellie Mom and a couple of other friends to a tenants funeral service and dinner. Seeing Joe’s body in the casket at first frightened me but when I viewed his face I saw a peace on his face that confirmed he was not in any pain. I thought briefly about my grandpa and the fact that he was in pain and suffering when he was alive and he was no longer in pain or even suffering. With Grandpa Clarence’s past few years of life, he did not know anyone anymore and his life was in limbo after that for five years. Losing Grandpa Clarence has been tough and I have yet not had a good cry, that good cry may come at the end at the memorial and burial services. I have been thinking about it without trying to dwell on it, that death is not the final stage of life. If people believe in God and His Word, there is yet a resurrection of the dead when the 2nd Coming of Jesus happens. I have that hope of seeing my Grandpa Clarence again as we go home with Jesus. I still miss my Grandpa Clarence very much as I remember the good times with him when he was alive. Even when he was beginning to become ill with Alzheimer’s Disease (severe dementia) and it progressed quickly to his death, I have fond memories of visiting him and I am so glad that I had conquered and mastered the fear of seeing him in such a sick-like state. I do not know if I would have forgiven myself if I never saw Grandpa again during the last three years of his life. I feel somewhat guilty of not going to see him in New Mexico for the Thanksgiving holiday but I did not feel real comfortable missing three days worth of classes last semester since I was doing so well. Anyway, I am at the very beginning of the healing process. My heart still aches and feels a void and that will never go away but memories do live on forever to the day I die or begin to forget things because of severe dementia. I will not give up!!!!

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My Thought at the Moment



I am going to do some studying and then go to a funeral service with my adoptive mom this afternoon. It has been a very busy weekend. That is a good thing having this weekend be busy. I can get my mind off some things that bother me andyet go through the healing of losing Grandpa Clarence.

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I Do Not Mean To



This past week I have been dealing with a lot of things but my world seems to drift back to my grandpa Clarence. I do not mean to constantly say I haven’t had a good cry yet all the time. I feel that it is getting old and driving me bananas now. I want that good cry to happen soon and get it over with but I do not want to force it upon me for no reason at all. U can not speed up the process of healing that’s for sure but I want that good cry to happen soon and now, I am feeling somewhat drained.

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My Saturday Evening Thoughts



When I had gotten home from school I felt a little exhausted emotional and it was hitting me physically. I was not even sure I was going to go to church this morning at the hour of 9 p.m.. I felt totally exhausted. I did get to church – Sabbath School and worship services, and then I went to a friend’s house for lunch and then we went to Fort Atkinson to visit another church member who was in the nursing home. I had a good day as I got my mind off my grandpa’s passing away a week ago today. I have been home since 3:50 p.m. hopinmg that my friend Carol may have called but when she didn;t, I called her instead. She did not answer the phone both times I’ve called but she did call me back and she did not sound so good so I kmew our plans to get together would be postponed for another afternoon which did not bother me any since I had a back up plan in mind. I was glad to get away from my apartment for the day even though I was missing my cat Emilee today. In fact, when I asked her (Emilee) if it would be okay if I got out fora while and went to church, I think she was mot 100% happy with my leaving her behind bit she did give me permission to go, LOL Now that I am home, this hour of late, going on 9 p.m., my world is closing down for the night. I am still feeling more tired than I did before my grandpa’s death a week ago today, but I am feeling somewhat better. My friend Carol told me that I sounded better than I did a couple of days ago. AND she knows exactly how I feel at this time. A little numb, upset, exhausted, and still holding my head above water with my school work and classes M – F. It is unbelievable that Grandpa Fox has been gone a whole week already. WOW! I feel I have been through a war these past few days.

I do have to admit that I have had been remembering my grandpa the way he was before the Alzheimer’s disease and I have done a lot of smiling through tears as I feel the loss of my grandpa. Healing is NOT easy but it is doable and can be done. I do feel hurt yet and my heart still beats irregularly to the thoughts of my granddaddy’s death even though he has been mentally gone for five years before his physical death. What I find somewhat strange to this day is I havee yet not cried the good cry yet and it might never come after all by the time Grandpa’s memorial comes rolling around.

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Tired



I know it is not odd to be tired after going through what I have been going through since I learned of Grandpa Fox’s death. I do have to admit that I am getting tired of this being tired but it is taking a slight toll on me. I am still hapopy, though. Thinking about my grandpa is a good thing. I would love to remember my grandpa before his illness of Alzheimer’s Disease than with the disease itself. I know it is to take time to grieve and mourn a loss but i am tired of being tired.

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Thinking oof Grandpa Fox / The Good Memories



The memories of my grandfather is not flooding in so quickly that I can not handle them but they are coming and going as I see pictures that are sent to me via e-mail from my mom’s husband. I have a couple of BIG boxes in my bedroom filled with pictures I would like to go through in the next few weeks before March 31, 2003 as we will have a memorial service for him here in my hometown and then take his ashes to be buried next to my grandma – his wife – who died in 1997 of October. As the memories come in, I yet do not cry. I smile instead. Will I have the “big” cry yet? I do not know but we shall see.

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Grandpa Clarence’s Obituary



Picture is included with obituary, but may or will not show up here.

Fox, Clarence V.

July 25, 1912 – February 15, 2003

(Published Tuesday, February 18, 2003 11:17:09 AM CST)

CARLSBAD, NM/JANESVILLE & REDGRANITE , WI–Clarence V. Fox, age 90, of Westridge, Carlsbad, NM, passed away Sat., Feb. 15, 2003, at Landsun Health Service Center. He was born on July 25, 1912, to Charles and Cecilia Fox in Redgranite, WI. He graduated high school and attended County Normal and earned a teaching degree. He then went to the University of Wisconsin where he earned a B.A., M.A. and worked on a Ph.D. in education. He married Myra Irene Jorgensen on May 28, 1938, in Waushara County, WI, and they had one daughter. Mr. Fox taught high school and coached football and basketball from 1930 to 1960. He then became a social services officer-administrator until 1970. He retired in 1977. He enjoyed fishing and spending time at the family cabin in Wisconsin. He was a member of the Knights of Columbus, Kiwanis and N.E.A. He was also a member of St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Janesville, WI. He had been a resident of Carlsbad since 1999.

Surviving are a daughter, Mary Margaret Fox and husband, Lon Lawrence of Carlsbad, NM; a brother, Julian Fox of Wisconsin; 5 sisters: Jenny Kingstad of Wisconsin, Mary Ulezelski of Wisconsin, Annette Pila of Wisconsin, Virginia Cloughley of Wisconsin, and Cecilia Buelow of Wisconsin; 2 grandchildren; and 3 great-grandchildren. He was preceded in death by his wife, Mary Irene Fox in 1997; 2 brothers; 6 sisters; and a granddaughter.

Memorial and graveside services will be held at a later date in Janesville and Redgranite, WI. DENTON-FUNCHESS FUNERAL HOME, 1001 N. Canal St., Carlsbad, NM, (505) 885-6363, is in charge of arrangements.

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