Fast! I had gotten back from my brother’s on the 30th and the following Saturday my mom was going to be in town and then three days later my dad is here visiting family. Time just seems so…I can not say
Well, anyway, I have to run. More when I get home on my own computer.
I have been seeing family for the past three weeks as if this summer was planned. I had gone to see my family in PA, my mom and stepdad had come to visit for a couple of days in Wisconsin and were staying with a couple of friends of theirs. My dad and his family had come from out of state to visit family in IL and WI and that is where I am right now. I am using ny Aunt’s computer to get on line for a while but I am noticing the darkness forming in the sky that spells out R A I N and possibly a storm. It has been, FINALLY, cool and comfortable. Right now my Aunt is having a coffee time with her Mom, Grandma, and other relatives. I had gotten back from my another Aunt’s place because my Aunt had to work. I will be going home Friday morning.
This evening for dinner, my mom and stepfather and their friends are going to pick me up and we are going to a restaurant named “Diamond Dave’s” a barbeque dinner place. Oh how exciting it sounds to be spending some time with my mom this evening even though friends will be along with us! As of now and a few days ago, I am not going to have high expectations of my mom ever again because I ALWAYS get DISAPPOINTED and HURTING inside very badly. I need to live my life the way I see fit and not worry about what other people think even though my parents, both sets, mean well as far as my weight and getting a decent job. I have relatives up north about 200 miles away but my immediate family live in other states and we are definitely distant as far as states are concerned. I am thirty-two years old now and I need to be happy for me and I do have to take care of myself. I just know I will need a lot of encouragement and a few reminders now and then that my family is the way they are and I HAVE TO accept that even though it can and will be very hard for a while. Do I ever have to really pray hard and rely on my personal Savior and Lord in regards to my mom and my stepfather now. I have a long road to walk on – a recovery that is neccessary for sure.
I do have to admit that I did have a lot of anticipation yesterday regarding my mom and stepfather calling me when they got into town. It was about 7 p.m. when I had gotten a buzz at my door letting me know that someone was here. I answered the buzz and it was my mom staying inbetween the doors answering my hello. Having her come over personally instead of calling me was better and definitely a surprise but yet my stomach was tied up in knots because of many things regarding our relationship as Mother/Daughter. Our relationship is definitely a little different from what I see with my friends and their Moms. Oh well, my mom is different and everyone is different. If we were the same, we would be bored.
Because my mom stopped by for a visit with my stepfather and their friends who they are staying with, my night ended up being a better night. The stomach cramps ended and the headache disappeared. The anxiousness also disappeared. I had a better night! WHEW!
It is time for me to go for the night. I wish all of a you a good night’s rest and sleep. Good night and God Bless you all!
Are you able to have DSL in your area? Where I am today, we are able to have DSL in our area. It was this past Monday I got my DSL up and running and believe me, the speed is VERY fast – lightning fast actually. It sure does beat the dial up modem I had been using since I hooked up to the internet years ago. I can not believe the speed of DSL and I am practically disgusted with the dial up modem being so slow getting to pages or places I really want to go to. I am hooked up to DSL with my telephone company and it works fabulous and to my liking. I would, if it is in your area, recomend it. If it is not compatible with your computer, your telephone company or place of DSL will let you know. After you get hooked up to the internet like I did, you will NEVER want to go back to a dial up modem again. Now, if you have troubles with your DSL for some reason as a faalt of the Internet or e-mail service, a dial up modem is nice to have for a back up and I do recommend that you keep your dial up modem in your computer. I still have my 56K modem in my computer. I just now have two modems – one faster than the other and my 56K modem is inactive as we speak.
I know I have written a lot today but does that really matter? Nope. I have seen a few people write an entry more than once or twice here. It gives it a good reading now and then no matter what kind of mood you are in.
Today has NOT been the day I expected or anticipated. I have a headache going on in my head right now and I am getting ready for bed in a short while. Today has been very different comparing the last two weekends before this one. Oh well…that’s life.
My day is ending. Still very quiet. No phone calls all day long except for one and I did have one visitor. In fact my visitor and my only one phone call was the same person. Oh my goodness, my visitor was unexpected yes, so my attitude towards the call was rather very short and I could not even pay attention to the conversation at all really. How dumb of me! Here I waited patiently for my mom to call but no such call even came forth. About 5 p.m., three hours ago, my stomach got kind of sick and a headache is beginning to come on from feeling sick to my stomach. The feeling sick to my stomach comes from the fact that I anticipated my mom’s call all day and THAT DID NOT EVEN COME. How embarrassing of me to even anticipate as well as have high expectations of my own Mother. If my mom does ever call while she is in town, who knows what my reaction will be. I surely do not feel real good right now. Most of the time, when I feel so lost and wanting my mom in my life more than she has, I always get a sickening feeling in my stomach and a headache comes into play. My day, when I could have done something more important, was definitely wasted and this day can not be played over again. I HATE MYSELF sometimes. Oh well…I know I am not the only young woman who does not have a Mother in my life the way I see best. Forget the tough love bit…it will not go in one ear and process at all believe me. I have been around the block before regarding that whole tough love stuff even though I am only in my thirties today. Oh man…what on earth am I going to do now? Live my life with and without my mother and forget the high expectations and anticipation of my mother I guess.
What can I say about today? At this hour of 3:44 p.m.? Well, not a whole lot really. I have been lazying all day long and I literally fell asleep in my recliner in the living room. I have been waiting for my mom to call me all day and I have a feeling she will not today but maybe tomorrow if she is in town as she said she was going to be over a week ago. Here again I am anticipating something to happen and time is just going by slowly and everythiing seems to be going slow motion. My ears are open to sounds that are just amazingly loud today. People have driven in and out of the Teamster Manor Apartment parking lot like it was a hotel or something. I’ve literally heard voices that were outside and they seemed to be indoors right in my apartment! I don’t like days like this at all. Anticipation is just as bad as having high expectations of something or someone in your life.
My day is yet not over with and here I am bored too death. On a Saturday I don’t usually have the television on but it is one this Saturday. Reading a book is definitely not in my wants today. It is NOT at all quiet around here today and I am all alone here with my cat sleeping in her “house” pet carrier lazying in the heat/warmth of outdoors. What a terrible day this seems to be today. Anticipation is just as bad as high expectations of something or someone.
I have a very uncomfortable feeling that my mom will not call me while she is town. I had gotten an e-mail while I was away in PA visiting my brother, from her saying that she was going to be in town the 6th of July because a relative of hers or my stepfather’s was dying of cancer and they wanted to see him one moore time before he died. Well, I had responded to the great news of her appearing in town this weekend along with a note that said “could we spend time alone without one of her friend’s always tagging along.” The following day, in response to my e-mail, I had gotten an e-mail from my mom saying that she too wanted to spend time alone with her friends. Ooooh that really tugged at the heart. Right now seeing her is a wanted thing but then again if I don’t see her, I can go on with my life. I have a father I will be seeing in three days anyway for a couple of days. Anyway, I had talked to my Aunt from up north of here about 200 miles about my feelings about the upcoming weekend plans and my plans being up north with my day and she told me that my mom has enough conscience to pick up the phone and call me. I hope she does.
Ever since the terrorist attack happened on 9-11, so much has happened as far as little attacks on people on the ground. In LA, three people were killed at an EL AL terminal because of someone firing a gun and having a knife. Oh my goodness, when is it going to end? Never?? The littlest things done now on the ground since the attack on America has become possible terrorist attacks or any act of terrorism. I have seen a lot before the attack and today after the attack on America, I am seeing more and more on a daily basis. In fact, some time ago this summer, our city had something happen and was put on the news. What people do to get a little attention – causing possible big problems!! I am not taking things so lightly anymore regarding my personal life or the lives of the people who can and will make a difference in our world. What people do for attention today?? It makes me scream and want to pull my hair out!
