I Wish I Could & More…

Posted on April 17, 2003 by ksmiley



Move and get away from here where I live but money is an issue and my place is my home whether or not I like to live in the “neighborhood” I live in. The world is cruel sometimes and I do not always think that things are fair but they happen for a reason under God’s knowledge and love of His people. Even though the past two weeks have been nothing but a h*** hole, I am still a tenant in this building and I have a right to live here as well. Who cares about the other people who live here? I do and I am sorry that some of the tenants have followed the trouble makers here. I won’t follow the trouble makers. I have my own life to live as well as school classes to attend. Life goes on and time does heal. I no longer live at TM but at **** Burbank Ave. Apt 308. I will be ok and that is a promise, even though I might have to make some changes in my life to make it more comfortable for me to live here. I have this dream, which will never die, that I will get a job that will get me away from here into my own house. That dream WILL NEVER die and no one is going to take that away from me NEVER NEVER. I wash my hands from this place at this time.

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That Downward Spiral

Posted on April 17, 2003 by ksmiley



I can care less about the trouble makers I have met throughout the years. If they want to lie and deceive people, I know that God knows all even though the wool has been pulled over many eyes, but NEVER will the wool be pulled over God’s eyes. He knows, sees, and hears all. What ever happens to the trouble makers in this world, justice will be done right by God even if and when the justice system of this world fails. I am definitely venting still – past the wanting to cry stage but of anger that has been fueled in my mind and body. I have the d*** right to vent anytime I want. No one is going to harass or bother me after yesterday’s knowledge the manager resigning from her position at the end of the month. I will come and go from my place as I have always except for the fact I will not talk to the tenants in long engaged conversations from yesterday forward. I am indeed happy for the manager as she is going to be seventy years old in May and her health is in need of repair and in need of constant prayer on a regular basis. REB’s health as well of course. I can manage well on my own even though the manager who is leaving the end of May. It is probably for the best anyway. I can get through anything in time and prayer. I am just angry at the people who seek trouble for people – friends or not. I am a kind person and that’ll never change of course, but I do need to change my choice of friends from this day forward. Still in prayer regarding Nana and our relationship, I have to tread on careful waters from now on. I still have mixed feelings about some things in this mind of mine though. I does seem scary of course, but the scary part will too pass. Life is definitely a bowl of ripe cherries all the time…that’s for sure! Boy, IS MY HEART feeling heavy right now and definitely beating strangely. I do not want to even leave my apartment at all this weekend but I do have an obligation to do while a neighbor is gone for the weekend. I am looking in on Oreo the cat again. That’ll help. I just do not want to see anyone anywhere while in the halls or downstairs in the lobby mail room. This place has eyes, ears, a nose, and it breathes an evil breath. Satan is definitely here everyday. I feel sorry for the tenants, too because…can’t really find the right words right now…???? Again, more later…

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This is a Definite Venting Session NOW!

Posted on April 17, 2003 by ksmiley



OK…!!! This is definitely a venting session now. I do not know if I am upset to where I want to cry or scream out what is on my mind. Living where I am living still is a great big hole of hell right now. I had gotten home from school yesterday and found a notice on the board by the manager office saying that the onsite manager has resigned and her last day is April 30th. She and REB are moving from this place the end of May and now I am not sure how to feel. I know I was shocked to read a note and a little disgusted at the happy tones of the manager’s voice saying she had two weeks left and she is out of here and moving away from this hell hole. I am happy for her indeed but I am having mixed feelings about this whole place I am living at. The tenants, thankfully not all, seem coldhearted and nasty. I am vowing, this time it is going to stick, not to speak to any of the tenants here and go on from coming and going and staying in my apartment. After the manager leaves, along with REB, I will have only one friend left in this place to do things with. That’ll be RH. I am still praying about the friendship with Nana Lea. I am still feeling uncomfortable talking to her about things, especially the things I have been able to talk to her about before. I am feeling this is the lowest I have gone in such a long time that I spoke to my doctor (priimary) yesterday to let her know what is going on and so I will be seeing her Monday at 3 p.m.. I feel that, ever since Grandpa Clarence died, the memorial, and the burial, things have been going down a fast spiral. More later…

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No Time to Write Today

Posted on April 16, 2003 by ksmiley



I really wish that I had the time to write today but a storm is heading our way shortly and I do not dare be on my computer when it does come. My feelings for today is sad and depressed. I do not know what to think at this time on a few things. I do not want to dwell on it even though my anxiety is kind of off right now. Later…

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One More Entry

Posted on April 15, 2003 by ksmiley



I know I said that I was signing off for the night a while ago, butjust about an hour ago, I had something I needed to say before going to bed. It is not a lot of course, but it is something that needs to be released from mind. I am literally exhausted of being tired because of emotional drain from something that is either because I am myself being attacked by someone’s unkind and nasty words or if someone, a friend mainly, is talked to by someone in an unkind or nasty way. No one can get along anymore because of mistrust or something far worse than that. For the past several days have been pretty mixed up even with emotions flaring, As a student in school, what is keeping me going is my classes and socialization. I think I am just rambling!!!! Phooey!

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Today Definitely Was Not So Great But…

Posted on April 15, 2003 by ksmiley



I am still here..and that is the important thing, right? Tomorow brings another day of school so I will be gone for a couple of hours anyway. Then again it is another time to sit at home with the door locked, checking the phone every time the phone rings, and doing what I do when I laze at home whether it is pajamas or dressed. I need to go for now. This is good bye for this day and good night everyone! Bye

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monstergue

Posted on April 15, 2003 by ksmiley



I am definitely trying at this trying time, that’s for sure. I am really disgusted with some of the tenants here and I do not associate with all of them here. There are few tenants here I did not know lived here because they do mind their own business here. I know I have told people many times that I will only leave here and come back without talking to the nos-its who do live here as there is always going to be a nos-it or two or three. I am vowing to come and go from this place and not at all associate with the tenants in here except for a few but as the christian I am to portray, I can not do that. I just will not engage with some of them any longer. Yes, it has gotten pretty bad here for my friend here and because I AM his friend, the tenants causing havoc for my friend are snubbing me. I do not want to portray that kind of person even though I have. I will say hello to tenants from now on BUT WILL NOT engage in conversation with the tenants any longer. I have even put a friendship in the Lord’s hands already and that was a tough one to think about as I was hotheaded about what that tenant said about my friend. I will only engage in conversation with the outside management and the manager, my male friend, RH, and friends outside the building. I am going to work on not being a snubber here. If I have to get up to go to school, go to school and back, and lock myself up in my apartment with just me and Emilee, it will be done. My associaton with people here is going to go down to only three people here and three outsude this building if NEED BE!! I know you are right in regards to it blowing over but in the meantime it is taking my friend’s strength and survival right out of him.

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What Is It Like To Live in Constant Anxiety??

Posted on April 15, 2003 by ksmiley



It seems that the building I live in breathes! There are tenants who are not trouble makers and then there are those trouble makers. What is worse is that those trouble makers know exactly who they are. I am feeling that this building breathes. I feel like big brother is watching me. The walls are so thin here that I can hear the next door neighbor snore at night when it is deadly quiet around here. I have a phone that is 2.4 Ghz and yet I am not sure if any conversation can be picked up on a scanner and there are people in here who do have scanners. Living here has been nothing but hell this past week where I go to school every morning except most Tuesdays and Thursdays so I can get away from this place. All I have been hearing is verbal attacks against another tenant who happens to be my friend. I even have to put my friendship with Nana Lea in the Lord’s hands because she too has filed complaints agaunst my friend last week or so. Today, having more thought about this past week to yesterday, has been nothing but an emotional turmoil against my friend. The lies from other tenants have been flying furiously around here like a spreading fire and all it is an emotional and verbal attack here and there. I feel that big brother is watching and listening to everything that is going on in this place. I would move but where would I go? I love it here other than the <i.sh** that has been going on these past couple of months. Ok, I swore here. That side of me IS COMING out to play. I feel like sh** emotionally right now and having my period DOES NOT help me none whatsoever. I even called my counseling place today to see when I can see the doctor to be put on something to help me emotionally and mentally. I will not see him until the 30th of April. I have my period now and it is real troublesome today. I hate them even though I am glad I get them each month. I wonder how bad it is going to get for me this month as far as my monthly since it started today. YUCK! and double YUCK! I get so emotional at times during my monthly’s that’s for sure!

I remember one time when one of the tenants, who is a male tenant, b****** about the fact that I write about the tenants in my entries. I DO NOT use names so the innocent and not innocent are protected by law. I have freedom of speech both in private and public matters. This tenant said that I was broadcasting everything that goes on here where I live all over the internet and really I am venting and I do not broadcast all over the internet at all. This place, Dear Diary, is a place to write your feelings and share your thoughts with other diarists who feel the same way I do part of the time. That tenant is nothing but a trouble maker – one of them – here and he is one of the tenants who is verbally going against my good friend saying that he (the tenant) was attacked by my friend and that NEVER happened. Everyone here is just vengeful and malicious here. I feel sorry for the tenants who do not have a happy life. They have to make other people miserable as well. I am beginning to feel this place is pure evil and it breathes, has eyes and a mouth, and definitely a nose! It is horrible…BAD! I have been crying a lot lately because this past week has been nothing but a hellhole. I want to move away and get my own house. I am not happy right now.

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Good Night

Posted on April 14, 2003 by ksmiley

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I have to say good night.

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Posted on April 14, 2003 by ksmiley



I really do not have a whole lot of time to write at the moment as I have a tenant/manger meeting to attend again today. We had a tenant/manager meeting last Monday, but we are having another one this week in twenty minutes. I got home from school about 11:30 a.m. and rested for a few minutes not sure if and when I was going to be online to write again. I had written in my school journal twice today already, but I had to write in my personal journal here before I forgot. I am feeling a little bit annoyed right this minute because of the meeting haopening today. The reason I am annoyed at the moment is because tenants here do not want to get along. That is why I am really praying about the relationship I have with Nana Lea right now. Last week’s meeting, Nana really made me feel a lot annoyed by what she said as if she could give a care to the tenant’s feelings. I am still upset about the words she said but she was NEVER sexually harrassed. Tenants do not WANT to get along with others in here and keep their mouths shut where they do not belong. We already have the community room closed until further notice and now the gossippers cojgregate outside in the front where people come and go and noses do not belong. It is rediculous even more so… I do not like the idea of being going and out the front door when the nos-its are out thehre still minding other tenant business. Living here has become a disaster lately!!

I have to go to the meeting now. Bye for now…

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