Kristi Karnopp's Diary & Blog

I had awakened, not thinking anything of it until I had caught my rent check still sitting here at my computer desk. I had forgotten to give the rent check to the onsite manager on the day I was going to possibly absent but I did plan on being home in time after my doctor’s appointment but I wasn’t. I thought, “oh God!. I am going to be evicted for having past due rent!” With panic going all through me I had called the onsite manager almost in tears and definite panic in my voice…waking her up from a restless sleep due to her back feeling so bad out kind of out of whack. I felt totally embarrassed and somewhat scared…more scared than embarrassed. It bothered me that I had the rent check still sitting here because I am NEVER behind on my bills or payments of something that is a need. So here I am, making arrangements in a frantic state, to get to the place I needed to get my rent check to and also get to my counseling appointment at one o’clock this afternoon. I was hoping that my rent payment would still be accepted because the thought of being evicted put fear in my heart.

I had gotten to the place where I would hand in my rent check and everything was fine. I did not have to pay a late fee for handing my check a day late, even. In fact, I had learned that I was okay and it was a first time for me since I paid my rent on time all the years I have been living where I live today. Thank goodness my anxiety has deleted and I am back to normal there. Even though it was a first time for me to hand in my rent check a day late, I will NOT allow it to happen again. I am going to be more responsible and if I know what my day plans are, the onsite manager is going to get the rent check before hand. Honestly, the month of May to this point has been hectic and very stressing to some degree.

I have taken aback with the Attack on America on 9-11-01. I also have to admit that I have been keeping up with the news of the war going on. But please, not thinking that I don’t care – I do care – I am getting kind of sick and tired about the war and the killings, and the suicide bombings. I know that the world is getting bad and it is not going to get better very fast or not at all but all I have been hearing is the progress and plans of making peace in the world. Doesn’t anyone know that peace will not be found in everyone? It is not going to happen. This evil, hatred, and happenings going on all the time. We are Americans here looking at our freedoms getting taken away slowly because of what has happened and before long we will not have any freedoms left. We have to believe what is in our hearts no matter how bad it gets even though I am getting sick and tired of hearing about this and that regarding the 9-11 Attack on America. My brain is getting overloaded with political things that now I am becoming very political wanting freedom and now I want to fight for the rights in many things that are related to the disabled and handicapped people because I am handicapped myself. I have never taken a great liking in the news and news programs until now! Something has changed in my life because what has changed around me has affected me. I do have to admit that a lot of feelings are just a one person’s opinion – my opinion only.

Okay, you wonder why I wrote such a title as ‘Sometimes I am glad…’ right? Well, I have a friend who has a Mail Station and so she can not get on line like I can. What I am about to write might be difficult for her to swallow anyway. Well, we need prayer for our friend G who is a diabetic and his diabetes is out of control. Sometimes I wonder if G relies on LLM and just allows himself to go downhill with his diabetes having many down times where LLM has to bail him out with food to get him back to reality. Sometimes I wonder if LLM can see what is going on in G that she is denying a few things as far as G is concerned. Okay, I’ve said it to the public world of the internet and I can get upset everytime G goes down into a state. I don’t want to lose him, either but I wonder if LLM is overdoing herself when her health is in question herself. That bothers me a bit that she can not find time for herself because G is always coming and going to her place and LLM NEEDS privacy too. She works hard during the day that she needs to take a break from the people around her constantly asking questions about this or that. LLM needs a break – a BIG ONE without G with her – not just a day trip out of town, either.

———-

Well, I have to go for now but I plan to be back if the weather allows it and I have anymore to say for the day. The weather has been rainy and stormy for the past two days and even today the sun is yet not shining – yet an overcast of grayness that shows MORE RAIN…Yuck! Oh well, we do need some rain. What is the summer going to hold for us? That is one question right now. I have to run and take a shower now. I have a dental appointment this morning. Bye for now.

———-

Dearest Alaina,

I hope you don’t mind me writing you a note here at Dear Diary. I had read your personal comment and it was a beautiful comment you had written. Every time you take the time to leave a comment. I seem to find a smile on my face as I feel those lips of mine curl upward toward a smile. I am glad to know you through your entries as well when you have a journal entry.

I do find a place here from day to day, Alaina, and I don’t regret it one minute that i am here writing my personal thoughts for the whole world to see. Sometimes I wonder who all sees what I write and I wonder how many people care, lol. We knoow that people do care and they are just hard to find sometiimes.

I find myself seeing how difficult it can be to not dwell on things in life. I am such a caring person and I can be soft hearted at times, and I can definitely take so much from someone before I crack. What I person I can be, huh? LOL

Again, thank you for taking the time to read my journals here at Dear Diary. It really means a lot to me to hear from you and others.

Kristi/Ksmiley

Today being a Sunday, with the weather being unpredictable and uncertain, it is gloomy outdoors and now it is dark as night because it is night – 8:45 p.m.. All day long I felt tired and sleepy and I fell asleep three times just laying on my futon – my new piece of furniture to replace the awkward couch I have had for five years. Well – there was a special reason to write in today’s entry before my day escaped me entirely and I missed a day of journaling – so here it goes…

———-

I have not been dwelling on my entry I had written yesterday but I do have to admit that I took the time to see the comments – if any – but I remember the test I had taken a few days ago. I did get a comment, from a DD friend who understands what I go through from day to day, and she agrees with me that I am what I am. Read June 1, 2002 entry at Dear Diary to see what I mean, okay? What this person commented was most appreciated and very well taken as an understanding and not taken at all to the point of tears. I find Alaina not at all like a person who would cut down another person as I read her entries when she writes.

I am one person who cares about people, whether or not I know them or not, or know them at all. What is a life if you don’t have a caring heart and understanding? It would be a fairly sour life I think but then again that is my opinion and not always does one opinion matter, right? SMILE… What ever goes on in my life, whether or not I share my thoughts from day to day, my life is going to be lived the way I feel comfortable.

———-

I would like to thank everyone who takes the time to read my entries – boring or not – and commenting. I am very grateful for this place – a special place I feel I belong for a change. I surely don’t feel like an outsider here at Dear Diary. It is a place I can find some peace, whether or not my family agrees with my findings and thoughts. I know I am NOT alone here with feelings and I know that I am only a human being with feelings, too. I can not believe that I have been here and met some real nice people via the internet and at Dear Diary. Thanks so much for making my place here at Dear Diary an enjoyable. Thanks everyone!

You dwell excessively on past memories, particularly the bad ones. You blame yourself for your faults, and fear being a bad person. You can be delusional and paranoid, yet hide these things from others and bury your feelings deep, where you can revive them to dwell on them later. You need to stop dwelling on the past, and look to the future.

Your song is: War Inside my Head


Which degree of inner turbulence are you?


This quiz was made by Dionae

I have been thinking of independence in different forms these few weeks because i was in a class called Business Law at the nearby college called Blackhawk Technical College at BTC and I have been into wanting to find out some history about our world, our country, our United States. We are fighting a war right now in other countries because of the Attack on America that happened on 9-11-01, almost a year ago now, and the class Business Law intrigued me quite a bit to the point that I have a tendacy to reread what I have learned in the class now and then even after the class is over and done for good. I am still waiting on my grades on my classes!

I thought, to touch up today’s entry about my thoughts and feelings of 9-11-01, I would add these links for a brief history lesson for those who are interested in getting a little knowledge of the Declaration of Independence and so on.

A Look at History

Declaration of Independence written in 1776.
A picture of the Declaration of Independence


Drafting Documents

I will write more later….

May 28, 2002

Yesterday was Memorial Day observed in the United States. Many places were either closed or open only for a short time because of the day being observed. As I sat down to get on the internet and read some other people’s thoughts of Memorial Day, a couple of people I only know through their writings had written their thoughts down. I thought that was fantastic that someone willing wrote their thoughts down. I was deeply touched. As well as being deeply touched, my mind kept going back to the 9-11 attack on America last 2001. Yet not 9-11-02 everyone is still deeply moved about what has happened almost a year ago. I kept remembering of my reaction the 9-11 attack on America at first. I was so busy with myself needing to get somewhere that morning – an appointment – and I had briefly turned on my television to see what was going on at the moment. As I flipped through the channels I kept seeing news regarding two planes crashing into the World Trade Center in New York City. I thought, at first truly, that it was just another accident that happened not an attack made by people who hated our country so much. I had turned the television off and went to my needed appointment not knowing the severity of what just happened to a lot of people on the planes and in the WTC. I had gotten to my appointment seeing that people had been doing their business as usual and I had gone back to talk to my appointment about starting school the following semester which started in January.

It was after my appointment I was waiting for my ride to arrive to do some errands, when I had heard a radio blaring in the distance about the Attack on America. Apparently it was a very bad situation if the news was airing the attack on television and the radio. I had heard two men speaking to each other over the loud radio but I did not get the just of the conversation because I don’t like to nose my business in other people’s business if it can be helped. Then my ride had finally arrived and I had gotten in the car and she too had the radio on listening to the news. I had asked her about it because I was confused and unsure of what really happened and then she told me that the World Trade Center was hit by two planes. Remembering what I had seen on television, I had only seen one plane crash into the WTC…not two. I had realized that it was big news and someone was behind it wanting people in our country to be killed, even the innocent people who had no idea of what was going to happen to them.

I kept thinking why would people want to be killers of the innocent and why are people so hateful of some things like freedom. My heart just rang out that day as well as fear struck my mind. “Did I want to fly to New Mexico to see my family in November two months away?” Fear had struck my mind in such away that kept going back and forth with my thoughts of flying. I did not know if I wanted to fly again after such a horrible attack on America had occurred, and I knew that I was not the only person thinking so. As I kept going back and forth about ever flying again, I had shared my thoughts with my family and friends, and then realized that traveling to see family in PA, AR, and NM required a short ride by air unless I want to take the bus which takes days and not a few hours away from home. I had vowed that I would get my act together and get with the program. I knew that I was not the only one who was afraid of flying after the terror took place, but I had to show the terrorists that I was not afraid of what they did. Those terrorists would not destroy my family by tearing us apart.

May 29, 2002

It was yesterday, now Tuesday, May 28, 2002, I come back to writing my thoughts about 9-11-01 and yet there are some very strong feelings as I relive that Tuesday, September 11, 2001. Yesterday, not getting back to writing my thoughts and finishing my thoughts will resume tomorrow May 30, 2002. Please excuse my thoughts being put on hold.

May 30, 2002

Today, May 30, 2002, four days later after Memorial Day and another day closer to the year anniversary of the attack on America, I have found my thoughts not anything different and can not be added anymore. Most of my thoughts have been added already and more will be added another day.

I have updated my thoughts from Memorial Day to the 9-11 attack on America, and I added it a day early on May 31. As of June 1, I plan to express myself so you can get to know me through my words, which you have been given a head start of my life today, and tomorrow.

I have not really expressed my feelings at times to the point that other people here at DD would get to know me. I have decided, not because other people are open here and sharing there most innermost thoughts about themselves, to share myself to others under the circumstances that I don’t get too personal and it hurts others. This is the first time I have decided this and it is almost scary on my part as a writer. At the same time, writing my feelings and life down for the whole world to see, I can share one of my favorite things to do in life —- writing. I love to write on a regular basis.

———-

The Break Up

I am learning, even to this day, that breaking up with someone you love dearly is hard to do. The words, “breaking up is hard to do” chant in my head as I sit here thinking of the break up between my boyfriend and I. To be very honest with you, my boyfriend and I had broken up several weeks ago, and I have been sitting around at home thinking of the day we had broke up – with mutual understanding but my now ex-boyfriend asked me if he could find someone else. At that time I did not think anything horrible about it, but weeks later he has asked me if I wanted to date him again and I asked him if he was sure and he told me he was thinking about it. But then he later said that he did not want to break up with his current girlfriend. By then I knew who the person he was seeing because I had heard the news from another close friend of mine. After my ex-boyfriend asked me if I wanted to date him again had come up, I had realized that what he did was kind of dumb and stupid on his part. Then it dawned on me that his asking me if he could find another girlfriend really was just as dumb and stupid as well. I thought, if my ex-boyfriend and I were to remain friends, how could we get past the faults we both can see in each other. I began to see the faults in this guy and I bet he could see the faults in my life as well. I have been thinking about that in the past few days and I had called a good friend of mine irritated with this man’s faults and I just could not get past the fact that we were broken up and the thought of being friends was almost impossible. Why did the break up all of a sudden pop up in my life? Well, as a friend, my ex-boyfriend was not acting like a friend and I did not get one call from him for almost a month. The other day we did talk but I could not come up with the courage that maybe being friends would be impossible because I was so hurt by his actions in the past several weeks since we had broken up and that his asking me to have permission to find someone else and later ask if I wanted to date him again really was stupid and dumb and I did not want to be a part of his pattern of dating a girl more than once. What a life I live now and then, huh? It seems so complicated and almost comical and goofy! If only I could get past this break up point with my life. I am one of those people who takes the time to get over a break up before dating another man again and here my ex-boyfriend acts differently. It almost makes me wonder if he had this other girl on the prospect list he had created and planned to break up with me for some time as I was ready to cool it between us myself. We had gone our separate ways since I had started school in the Spring and our time together was very limited because of my studies and that he was always busy with something. Also our weekends were very different and I wanted to see him on Saturdays and he was hardly ever home on Saturdays when I was doing church things on Saturdays and wished that he would be a part of those church things now and then but his reaction was practically was thoughtless on his part. So why in the world am I ever wasting my time on this guy? I have a life to live and it does not include my ex-boyfriend anymore and I definitely don’t want to be the talk of his former relationship with his new girlfriend. Do I sound horrible and uncaring and terribly hurt?

———-

This is one of the things I am having troubles with in my own life and anyone else who is having troubles with their boyfriends or girlfriends, I can definitely say, “I relate”. What I had shared here was not at all easy to write because i just wrote my side of the story and wrote my thoughts without the thoughts of my now ex-boyfriend. I knoow that what I had written and tried to get across to other people I know and don’t know was not easy and I am not the only one dealing with such a fact of life.

I am also working, still, on my feelings about Memorial Day this past Monday, and the thoughts of my experience of September 11, 2001. I will get to that real soon…as I plan to begin writing about me so you all get to know me as of June 1, 2002.